How long can my husband wait?

[dontwantsex]

Hi
Namechanged for obvious reasons, but fairly long time mner.

I have had a low sex drive for the past 5 years or so. I used to be different, loved sex and enjoyed it regularly. I don't know what changed, but it did, and I got to the point where I never wanted sex, but would have it and enjoy it a lot, probably around once a month. I didn't particularly want it, but enjoyed it when we did iyswim.
DD1 is 3.5, we didn't have sex at all during pregnancy, and probably started again when she was 3 months old-ish, going back to around once a month, but still enjoying it when we did. However, I was very aware of the changes since giving birth, in my tone down below, and a propensity to do fanny farts. Didn't really feel particularly sexy.
DD2 is 4 months old. Again, we didn't have sex at all during pregnancy, and haven't done since. I had a great, natural home birth, but did sustain a 2nd degree tear and stitches, which I didn't with dd1. Since her birth I have also developed a fairly large cyst just inside my vagina, which I am fairly horrified about. I have seen a consultant and they will operate, but want to wait a few months as I am still quite early post-natal and breastfeeding regularly. I have a follow up appointment in January when they will decide whether an op is necessary, and plan to do so if it is. They did say that if I find sex painful then I should go back earlier. So obviously they believe that I should be able to continue a normal sex life with my husband while waiting for the op.

However, the thought of having sex fills me with horror and dread. I really want to be the sexy, energetic and passionate woman I used to be, but I can't bring myself to even think about it. My husband accepts my low sex drive ( I think) but he's obviously not happy about it and wants the old me back.

So, I don't really know what I'm asking, but I just wanted to write this down.
Has anyone suffered a loss of sex drive and got it back? How? Can I expect my husband to wait until after my op (I don't know how long it will take after my appt in January, but he has already gone without for a year)? How can I get my head past the changes in my body and my bits from delivering 2 children, and persuade myself that I'm not hideous down below? I just feel repulsed by it, and that my husband will feel the same way.

Talk to him about it!

Tell him every thing you have put on here.

Let him know how much you still love him and care for him but due to kiddies and circumstances beyond your control right now things are not what they used to be.

Tell him that you want to be the sexy, energetic and passionate woman I used to be

It is not surprising that you feel this way. Lets be honest they are not the most attractive areas of our bodies before they are abused by child birth and tearing/stitches!!!

If you H is a decent loving person then I am sure he will understand and go out of his way to let you know that you are still the sexy, passionate woman he fell in love with.

If the consultants have not said no sex then why not try? Perhaps a glass of wine and letting him know to stop if you are distressed you may surprise yourself?

Aw - don't feel like that! You husband sounds lovely. I've had 4 kids and with the first I had a HOOOOGE episiotomy - and I felt the same! However, fanny farts included, we got back there - slowly but surely...........and went on to have a very good sex life (and three more children)

Just explain to him how you feel and them take it gently - sort of it it was a new relationship and you start by snogging, and then hands wander, and, like a date, you can move his hands away...........until you feel comfortable with the next move.

Do you see what I mean?

Just take it slowly - but you need to talk about it first - I'm assuming you still fancy him?

talk to your husband about your worries and how about delaying intercourse till youre ready - try mutual massage/ kissing/ oral/ gentle intimacy without penetration - ask your husband to go slow, tell him you absolutely need love and support right now x

Er, have you actually looked to see how bad it is? With a mirror? I know there are some very strange people on here who claim to be nauseous at even the thought of seeing a vulva, but actually seeing for yourself the extent of the damage can help you to feel more reassured that it will be ok. I have huge scarring from episiotomies, and some muscle/nerve damage, but actually it doesn't look as bad as it feels, and I think it's partly a mental thing because you feel out of control of that part of your body iyswim. But feel free to ignore me as a mad revolting hippy if you like.