Am I a crap mum?

[justbloodyuseless]

OK, apoogies for a thread about a thread, I've just been reading the thread about choosing whether or not to have children, and it struck me how many people say 'Oh, you never regret having kids', 'They're the best thing that ever happened to me', 'None of the bad things matter because you love them so much'.

So why don't I feel like that? I do love them, I think. But maybe not in the way that others seem to? I don't often feel overwhelmed by how much they mean to me. DD2 sometimes but with DD1 it's more that I know that I must love her, because that's what mums do, and it's great seeing her face light up when she sees me, and it's fun playing her and watching her learn. But if I'm brutally honest, I don't often feel it.

And although they were both wanted and planned, I do sometimes wonder whether it was the best choice. And I wonder what my life would be like without them. A few weeks after DD2 was born, I wrote out a huge post like this one, I was in absolute tears because I honestly wanted to just run away and leave them, leave my whole life and just not be a mum any more. Then my PC didn't work so the post didn't work so I cried for a bit and then thought 'Well I suppose I'd better get on with life'. And things got a lot better and I was happier and I mostly put it down to the stress of dealing with a newborn and toddler.

But then I see people's comments about how wonderful parenthood is and I think I must be missing something, I must be a really cold-hearted bitch, and how long will it be before it starts affecting my DDs? Just recently I've been losing my patience with DD1 and started shouting and get angry which is not something I usually do and I hate myself for it.

My DH woulkd be horrified to hear me talk like this, he loves both the DDs so much. I have said a couple of things to him, hinting that perhaps I don't love them like I should but he doesn't really think I'm serious. And I honestly don't know if I'm abnormal or just a normal mum over-analysing and over-thinking everything.

If you were truly a crap mum you wouldn't care about this at all. It would never occur to you that you might not love your DDs enough. Looking after someone's every need isn't easy and takes a huge commitment. You've been doing that for your DDs for years and I suspect you've been doing it very well. That is a huge expression of love, one they will only appreciate when they are older.

What was your own childhood like? Do you worry a lot about your DDs coming to harm or dying? Is something holding you back from truly connecting with them and letting yourself feel the love you are already expressing for them through your actions?

Can I ask how old your children are? I had a lot of ambivalent feelings when I had three under five. Probably a combination of stress, fatigue and what I now realize is the fact that I'm not really a baby/toddler person; just found it too overwhelming. Mine are 10, 7 and 5 now and I can say I really do feel so much better about everything and much more joyful about parenting. When they are very small they really do take over your whole life and it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel... it does get better :)

...forgot to say also: is there a chance you could be depressed? Sorting that out really does help you put your rose-tinted glasses back on. Exercise and fresh-air can do wonders for your outlook and anti-depressants can be really helpful even if you don't think you're depressed.

I bet you're not a crap mum, and I bet you're not the only one who feels like this.

I love my DS, but I'd never say parenthood is wonderful, I don't gush about him, he's not the love of my life like some people's children seem to be for them. I love him dearly, put him first, keep his safe and happy and secure, give him affection and attention, but parenthood isn't the best thing ever for me, there's more to life. I don;t agonise over every decision made about him, don;t think about him all the time.

I don;t tihnk I'm missing something though, I just think not all people are the ones who get head over heals in love with their offspiring and gush about them all the time. I bet you're not abnormal either, just more like me.

As DS gets older, I am liking him more and more, like an aquaintance who becomes a good friend and then who becomes a really really close friend over the years. The more he grows, the more I get to know of him and his true personality as it comes through as he grows older, and the more I like and love about him as an individual, rahter than just because I have to lvoe him becuase he is my son. Does that make sense? You might find the same with your DDs, the older they get the more your bond will grow.

It's one of the biggest myths out there that parenthood is all good, all the time. Some people take to it, for others it's much harder work, it can be demanding and monotonous. I agree that if you really were crap, you wouldn't be querying it.

Anything you felt in the intial aftermath of having them is likely to be postnatal blues, perfectly valid to think 'what have I done??!!'.

Please don't think you're rubbish, maybe you just need a bit more support and some you time. Lots of people on here will relate - you'll feel much better.

Are you at home all the time while your DH is at work and gets the fun stuff? If that is the case, you're bound to have different perspectives on it all.

In addition to all those comments about how wonderful parenting is, there are just as many (if not more) about how tough it is.

My ds is still tiny so I don't have much experience but I think some people do enjoy it more than others. My sister absolutely loved having babies and couldn?t believe it when I told her I wasn?t enjoying the newborn stage. I didn?t have PND, I just didn?t enjoy that much. It was bloody hard work!

As others have said, your concern shows that you are not a crap mum.

Thanks everyone for responding, and for your reassurance, it does make me feel a lot better. To answer your questions, they are 3.3 and 5 months. DD1 is at nursery 2 and a half days, but the rest of the time I have them both. I'm on maternity leave, so it is all a bit intense sometimes. Thinking about it, I struggle most when I have to deal with both of them, when DD1 is being stroppy and DD2 starts screaming, that's when I start feeling like I just want out! Which I suppose is not a particularly unreasonable response. I feel much closer to them when I manage to sit down and have one-to-one time.

I don't think I am depressed, although I have sometimes wondered if I had mild PND after DD1 was born, on the outside I was coping really well and doing everything 'right' but emotionally I did struggle. I found the sleep deprivation really hard. I've had a few bad nights sleep recently with DD2 so I think that may be clouding my judgement.

CailinDana It's interesting what you said about worrying about the DDs coming to harm. I don't with DD1, but through my pregnancy with DD2 I was much more aware of how common miscarriage and stillbirth are and I sort of held back on getting excited about her in case something should happen. Now I still do worry a bit about SIDS, so I think it's possible that subconsciously I'm not entirely convinced that she's here to stay.

Who is to say what the right or wrong way to love a child is...what defines that? I agree that if you were really a crap mum... You would not be worrying about this. You are obviously not a crap mum. We all feel like that from time to time...being a parent is hard work....
Have you spoken to a HV..doctor...any one in RL that can be I reassurance/support.
You are not alone here.

You're not a crap mum or "bloody useless" the toddler / baby combination is exhausting - bet DH would feel less loving if he was SAHD. Try and get more of the one on one time that you know makes you feel more motherly. Nobody is perfect mother whatever you may think, love just grows slower sometimes. When DS played up at 3 and DP was at work I would regularly say right that's it we're off to bed - just being snuggly would calm everything down and make me more tolerant / loving. As he's grown into his own person our relationship is very loving (he's 10 now) and he is just so easy. (crosses fingers that teenange years are still a way off!)

I think you might be being a bit hard on yourself and possibly expecting too much of yourself. I have a ds a year older than your dd1 and a 3 month old and feel similar to you but I am wondering if I have a touch of PND and plan to speak to GP this week. Could this be the case with you? Maybe see GP too?You are dealing with so much, the" threenager" stage and starting from scratch again with a new dc. Its a slog and its hard to see the woods for the trees at this stage. But PND can worsen things somewhat. Be kind to yourself and try to simplify/ ease up on things at home for a while. Agree with previous poster who said live grows slowly sometimes, esp when you are coping with two small ones.

love grows slowly..scuse the typos!

have to agree with all thats been written, love does take time to grow and i would suspect youre not aware of just how much you already love them. youre tired - you would be since you had a baby just a short while ago! go easy on yourself, maybe you feel like YOU have disappeared in the midst of toddler/ baby/ no sleep/ sheer tiredness and so it goes on and on ... i certainly dont think your feelings are unusual so dont beat yourself up ... just look at those mother and baby magazines ... the images ... we know thats not real life ... life just isnt so perfect ... keep enjoying those one on one times and perhaps find a way to increase them or do them often. it will all fall into place for you just be strong, patient and kind to yourself in the process