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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

regrets

17 replies

wantanewname · 07/11/2011 22:13

When I was about 16 I had a friendship with a boy who was really, really keen on me. I liked him because he was intelligent and nice but didn't fancy him and was keener on 'bad boys' and eventually went off with the local thug. That set a pattern and I have had many relationships with unsuitable men since (and one long 10 year relationship which just didn't work out). I am now in my 40's with an 8 year old DD.

I recently bumped into him again after about 25 years and we went out with some old, old friends and got on really well. It turns out we work near each other. He is now a solicitor and has 3 grown up children and is divorced. Since then we've been for lunch a few times. Although the chemistry is not really there for me in that I don't fancy him like mad, I don't I ever will fancy someone who isn't 'wrong' and that I need to grow up and I can see he is still kind, lovely and intelligent.

But I don't know if he is interested in me anymore or how to make it clear that I might be. I sent him a text suggesting an evening drink and he said yes and I replied and since then haven't heard back from him ( a few days ago). His phone coverage is very bad so possibly not received it but on the other hand he's not pursuing it himself. Not sure what to do as I don't want to chase him if he's not interested and when I see that he is still a nice, kind and gentle person I have regrets about the choices I've made.

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wantanewname · 07/11/2011 22:16

am thinking of phoning him but hate to be the pursuer!!

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buzzswellington · 07/11/2011 22:20

No no no - what you're talking about here is a man who would do. I think it's a bad idea to try to get involved with someone you're not attracted to, just because you think you should or cos he's a decent guy. You need to get your radar sorted, maybe, but fgs don't try and force it with someone - it won't work. You'll just end up cheating on him or something, if you did get together.

wantanewname · 07/11/2011 22:21

I don't think you're right. I think I've spent many years realising slowly that I'm wrong - not about him but about the types I've been attracted to.

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wantanewname · 07/11/2011 22:26

anyway I want to give it a go now but he isn't exactly knocking on my door!

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FetchezLaVache · 07/11/2011 22:31

No no, Buzz is quite right! There is a nice, mature responsible, non-asshole male out there who will make your heart beat faster. If the chemistry isn't there with this man, it isn't there- don't try to force it, as she said.

wantanewname · 07/11/2011 22:35

yes but the problem is people have been saying this to me for years and I don't meet him, I'm getting on and I'm not meeting this 'nice, mature responsible, non-asshole male' and honestly in my position wouldn't you do the same?!

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buzzswellington · 07/11/2011 22:43

I hope not. I don't think any man is better than no man. Sorry, that's coming out really harsh.

If you think you characteristically pick assholes, have you done any work on yourself to readjust your radar?

FetchezLaVache · 07/11/2011 22:47

I tried to, when I was about 30 and worried about never having children. I attempted to have a relationship with an extremely suitable (vv good job, nice house, own teeth, etc) man I just didn't fancy. It lasted about a week or two, until the realisation came that I simply couldn't bring myself to get personal with him . So I do understand the temptation!

wantanewname · 07/11/2011 22:48

I don't deliberately pick assholes, there's just a particular physical type I'm attracted to (and maybe a particular confidence/arrogance). But he's not like that and I can see all sorts of other characteristics that he has (always did have but I chose to ignore).

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wantanewname · 07/11/2011 22:50

Fetchzlavache - I have gone further than that in that I have slept with men I didn't fancy who seemed suitable and it wasn't good. I am hoping (if he is interested - though he hasn't shown he is so far) that that wouldn't be the case.

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noseinbook · 07/11/2011 23:37

IME, which seems to differ from others, as one gets to know and like someone, fancying them can follow. It doesn't necessarily come first. So I wouldn't rule it out.

wantanewname · 07/11/2011 23:39

thank you noseinbook - I finally have that opinion too. But my question was he doesn't really seem interested and I'm not sure what to do?

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MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 07/11/2011 23:42

Don't DO anything....you already have. You texted him...he replied...now you have to wait. If he's not that bothered he wont reply...if he is he will. If you chase him you will set a precedent for the relationship in the future.

wantanewname · 07/11/2011 23:45

thing is he seems to have bad phone coverage where he lives. I sent him a text once before which he claimed never to have received (unless he made that up which I don't have any reason to think).

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MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 07/11/2011 23:47

If he wants a drink with you he will find SOME way to contact you...a man always will if he's interested. Don't chase him.

BertieBotts · 07/11/2011 23:49

Just be friends with him and see if something develops? If it does, then great. If it doesn't, then at least you're adjusting your radar to include men who are decent.

Agree don't force it if you're not attracted to him. Apart from anything else, it's not very fair on him, is it?

FetchezLaVache · 08/11/2011 08:09

YY to be friends with him- he's bound to have some hot lawyer mates!

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