Someone else's relationship - Ever okay to interfere?

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Ok, I have a slightly odd situation and would like some advice. It's a LONG story but I'm going to try to keep it short but include key points.

My best mate was in a relationship with another good friend. I knew them as individuals before they got together. They broke up 2 months ago and best mate went suspiciously quickly into a new relationship but denies she cheated. When they broke up she told me the reason was that her OH had raped her. At the time I was unsure, because he totally does not seem 'the type' but I supported her fully and encouraged her to go to the police but she refused not wanting to 'make a fuss' and dais she wanted to stay friends with her ex and I should do the same.

I stayed in contact with the guy and he was gutted by the break up. I really doubted that he had done it but continued to support my friend as if he had. Hoever, I've barely seen her in the two months because she is with new guy and no longer has time for me (that sounds bitter, I am a bit but we have all done it so I understand)

We met for coffee on sat and she told me a load of stuff which I know to be lies, a couple of things I called her on and she tried to laugh it off. This got me thinking and talking to DH about the situation. During her relationship with her ex she was twice accused of cheating on him (on one occassion breaking up a marriage) and we all believed her that she didn't. I now know that at least one of these is true. She also accused another good friend of 'forcing himself' on her. This guy is happily married but we all believed her and 'lost touch' with him. I now believe, from things she has said, that this was also totally untrue.

So, here's the big question. Do I tell her ex that she told me he raped her? I don't believe it is true, but appreciate I could be wrong. It seems like nothing she has ever told me is true (including daft things like what school she went to). I kind of feel like this guy has a right to know what is being said as i presume she is telling other people and it's a massively horrible thing to be accused of. Please don't flame me, I'm completely open to opinions and confused about what to do

The thing is, you don't know she's lying. There is no 'type'. Lovely-seeming blokes can be abusers.

And even if she does lie about some things, you don't know she lies about everything - hell, a rape might be behind the strange behaviour.

If I were you, I'd stay out of it. It won't really benefit him to know she says this about him - he can't stop her saying it. And if he did do it, you'd be siding with a rapist.

Thanks buzz. That's why I put the 'type' in inverted because I know it's a stupid thing to say but I can't help thinking it, I'm just trying not to let that thought effect my actions, which I did not do in any way until these doubts crept in.

I hate the idea that she could be destroying his life (through destroying his reputation) if this is not true and hate the fact that he could have destroyed hers if it is true.

Has she said to anyone else he raped her, or just you? If she hasn't pressed charges then maybe best not say anything. But if she is spreading a rumour which is untrue.... it is tricky

Apropo of nothing, a friend of mine has claimed to have been raped on 3 different occasions, by her ex husband, by a friend and a boyfriend. it always made me uncomfortable as I did not know what to think. I didn't want to dismiss her claims, but there was this question in my head "how does this keep happening to you?" I have been raped by a man I knew. I didn't press charges because there were no witnesses and I really did think I wouldn't be believed. But I certainly did not discuss it with anyone, I felt too embarrased and ashamed and he knew people I knew. I am saying it here as no one knows me. It was 14 years ago and my now husband doesn't even know.

"I didn't want to dismiss her claims, but there was this question in my head "how does this keep happening to you?" "

please please please dont ever use multiple accusations of rape as a reason to doubt someone.

rape affects different people in different ways. and many women find themselves repeating the same behaviours in relationships that lead them to become involved with the same 'type' of man who will rape. sometimes it can be like a "this time is will get it right" thing as many women blame themselves for being raped, thinking it was something they could have prevented and so are unconscioulsy drawn to the same type of man in an attempt to 'get it right', and that is how it happens again, because as we all know it isn't anything to do with what the women does and all to do with certain men being rapists.

OP stay out of it. as far as you know this isn't affecting his life and you do not know it is a lie.

She told my 12 and 16 year old nieces when I was babysitting (kinda) and we all met for coffee. I was not there at the time (was buying coffee) and was fuming when I found out. I presume if she is telling practical strangers (and kids at that) then she is telling others, but it is a presumption. I'm meeting a mutual friend tomorrow so may find out more then.

Did you tell your friend that you don't believe her that she was raped and the reasons why you don't believe her?

Weird and a bit gross that she told your nieces about it - wtf?

Why would she say she wanted to stay friends with her ex if he had raped her?

No. I would not even have considered that. I have been nothing but supportive and have not mentioned to anyone other than DH that I have doubts. I have not seen her since I worked out she was lying on many other issues.

I hope I'm not coming across as some kind of uncaring bitch, Should she come to me and need help I will be there completely but I will also not completely abandon him while I know she has lied to me about so many other things.

I know people are right, I should stay out of it and I think that's what I'll do. It's just so difficult but I think its a case of i'll never be sure on this one and without certainly I need to presume it's true

Yeah, stay friends with your rapist? Tell young girls about it? Is she fully functioning in the brain department in general, or always a bit sort of odd? I don't know how to put that really any better, but do you get my meaning

lola lots of women stay friends/stay in a relationship/stay married/stay in teh same house as their rapist. it comes out of a fear of not being believed if they did speak out and rock the boat. i wonder where they get that idea tehy wont be believed eh? some of these responses are sickening.

She is not in the same house with him. She is not a child hood victim of rape. she is no longer involved with him. She does not have to see him. I had to see my rapist on a frequent basis. I could not look him in the eye never mind speak to him.
Sickening responses? Fuck off

sorry about the swearing.

that was how you dealt with your rape. other people aren't you and wont feel the same way about it as you did. you have no idea who this woman is or why she may feel the need to maintain a sense of normality as far as this man is concerned.

I agree with ThoughtCriminal that if you think the woman is spreading a lie, it might be best to question her more about what has actually happened (not aggressively but push a bit more for detail and question her if appropriate) rather than telling him straight off. I don't know - it's a tricky one.

It is tempting not to get involved, but it is quite a serious and horrible situation.

She did give me some detail at the time Crazy, which I' not going to go into but at the time it did not sound convincing. The guy really seemed to adore and worship her their entire relationship and she did not treat him well at all, but I appreciate that anyone can be a rapist and nobody knows what has happened behind closed doors etc. She also said it had happened more than once