How long does it take to stop loving him?

[NotQuiteSureAnymore]

Name-changed as I would like to go back to posting about mundane, boring things tomorrow without this hanging over my usual username.

How long does it take to fall out of love with someone?
Or will you love them forever?

Been separated from ex-DP for a year now, we have a 3 year old. Usual drug story - he was clearly addicted, I gave him chance after chance, drove him to rehab and pleaded that he just go inside more times than I care to remember. He did all the things I asked with a smile and an "I'll do it for you and DD" but it never lasted. Eventually he was arrested for selling and I left.

It's been a long couple of years and I'm just now getting my energy back. DD doesn't see her dad at all but keeps asking where he is and why he's not coming to live with us/coming for xmas/her birthday/school play.

After every thing he put us through though, a part of me still wishes he'd walk through the door tomorrow, a changed man, and everything would be great again. I know this is never gonna happen. I just wish I could move on and realize what an ass he was and all my love for him would disappear. Hasn't happened yet.

for long and rambling post, getting a little carried away. Does it ever happen? Do you ever just fall out of love with someone?

Mmm, not an easy one, this.

In some respects I think it's much easier to fall out of love with someone when you're in a relationship with them.

There can be a moment when the rosy specs fall off and the object of your idolatry is revealed as being a possessor the proverbial clay feet. This can be the defining moment in any subsequent decision to ditch them and move on and, when this happens, there is a tendency not to look back.

However, if you're still in love with the object of your desire but you've had to move on to preserve your sanity/finances/whatever, it can be much harder to release or dissipate the love you feel for them and resolve those feelings of 'if only' that are particularly haunting you at the moment.

Of course, if you meet a man who is worthy of your love and invest your attention and affection in him, you'll find that your bittersweet memories of the junkie who put his love for drugs above you and his dd will become considerably less sweet, and you'll wonder why on earth you ever thought you loved him.

From a personal point of view I cut my teeth, so to speak, on my pop's collection of classic rock. Use youtube to listen to Crosby Still & Nash's 'Love The One You're With'. This song particularly resonates for me so 'If you can't be with the one you love, honey, Love the one you're with' - the 'do do do do do do do' is optional

I also recommend you listen to J J Cale's Gypsy Man. You'll need to change 'man' to 'woman' which means that the lyrics won't always rhyme but that's not a big deal when you've got a goodies such as 'chains like love don't tie me down, I just spread my love around' coupled with A-mazing guitar work.

Sticking with a musical theme to ease the pangs of unrequited love, for the more philsophical minded among us there's ending of the Beatles' final album 'Let It Be' which has it that 'And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make'.

What goes around comes around and I reckon that, as you've racked up more than a few Karmic brownie points, someone something good will be coming your way in the not too distant future and focusing on what can be will erase many of your memories of what could have been.

Many may disagree with this but my advice would be to try snd get out and have some nice dates and social life. The key thing here is the person you are in love with is not even real - the drug free person you fantasise about does not exist. Sitting at home waiting to fall out of love with someone you no longer see is going to be a long wait - izzywizzy is right in that respect that is is harder to fall out of love with someone who is absent.

There is nothing wrong with trying to remake your life around this rather than waiting for it to pass so you can carry on. It may be only when you meet someone else that you will get past this.

This really resonates with me too, I need to fall out of love and really struggling today - long week at work ahead :(. But, these posts are inspiring thank you.

I've been there OP, not with the drugs but with the affection and love aimed at someone who was never going to come back into my life. Personally, I think you can love the idea of someone forever, but that idea won't be who they really are. That person's out there somewhere in the world, living and working and doing everything else one does, while the person you're in love with is rooted in your memories and the image of them you keep going with your thoughts. You can nurse that image for years and years with fantasies and hopes, but that love isn't aimed at who they are now, just the idea of who they used to be. You have to let go of that idea and it's very hard to do so and takes time and conscious effort.

A friend told me something helpful when my ex went off when I was pregnant- when someone has treated you like that, you aren't really in love with them, but with who you thought they were (or could be). I think it helps if you can seperate that out and see that though it's not nice to find you were wrong, the person isn't who you thought and you don't love who they've turned into. It does take a while, but keep reminding yourself why he is so crap and not worthy of you or dd.

This thread is really helpful to read, thank you OP and responders :) A lot of what has been said is really resonating with me and I may have to print it out and keep reading it.

OP...my children's Father was a drug user, it was a volatile relationship and over the years the behaviour I tolerated chipped away any love I had left for him. In the end, when the drugs had spiralled out of control and I could take no more and he left, I felt nothing but indifference. However, I still missed him when he wasn't there, because I think (as for most of the relationship) that I loved what I thought it could be,wanted it to be, and fooled myself into thinking it would change.

It can take a long time to heal, a year is no time at all. I still sometimes look at my ex (6 years on) and think of how it could have been. A very sad tale.

x

For me, it was a gradual process - made longer by still having contact with him. I went away for a while and saw things more clearly and it probably took me 1 - 2 years to say that I didn't love him any longer - and mean it! As everyone says, time is a good healer.