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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When are two people just too different...... I'm scared we may be....

8 replies

WhatIsIncompatiable · 06/11/2011 21:31

I have name changed since I have lurked and occasionally posted and I don't want to be recognised by DP who knows the names..... I'll try to post the facts

  1. He is scottish, socialist, sort of religious union rep in a job for life effectively
  1. I am an English, Conservative, agnostic, freelancer who thinks unions just protect the incompetent (don't like it, go find a new one - and yes I'm currently unemployed due to market but my savings are covering that for the foreseeable future because I negotiated better wages which a unionised pay scale would not have let me do)
  1. He's 15 year older than me with children (hence the reason I lurk here to try to avoid being the horrid step mom)
  1. I'm in my thirties so I'm not a teenage bimbette - I'm a wonderful aunt to my friends children - one of whom has now made me god mom to her teen kids who I adore - but I'm too selfish for the very young all encompassing phase - and I know that so won't go there
  1. He's house proud to the point of OCD - I'm a bit of a slob (normally due to long hours but also because I love to study sciences - I'd rather stick my nose in a book than clean- but I don't mind being given a reasonable list of things to be done and I can and will do them - I just would not cotton on that they need to be done unless told - once told I realise - oh yeah
  1. We both have had shit relationships in the past and are well past them - neither of us are on the rebound - we are getting married next year
  1. From the day we met we just clicked - we just do and having been through hell and back a couple of times each it just feels right but neither of us can explain why - but I can't help thinking that long term the differences may make major issues (although since he's had the snip and I don't want children but I'll be an auntie type step mom to his kids as I am to my friends kids then I don't think some of the issues that may arise would occur but I don't know)

He's been married twice - and obviously divorced - I've been in two long term relationships that most friends regarded as marriage - although never married as such - mainly cos of them not wanting to.....

Just wondering if anyone thinks this is doomed from the start. I am a naturally look for the worst person and this is the first time I've ever gone on gut instinct.

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 06/11/2011 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WhatIsIncompatiable · 06/11/2011 22:18

yes - and we both agree - its just right - we both feel that - like two jigsaw pieces that should be together - its not new or recent - but its just right

But then my logical head kicks in like tonight and thinks - somewhere down the road - but then I'd hate to be with someone like me!

OP posts:
anothermum92 · 06/11/2011 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

confidence · 06/11/2011 22:43

What do you have in common?

I think relationships can certainly survive major differences of opinion, but unfortunately the old saw about "politics and religion" cuts both ways. In a marriage, if you don't have at least a vaguely similar outlook on those two, it can create a lot of problems. DW and I are both staunch atheists and centre-left liberals, and I think the basic values flowing from those positions give us a base of commonality even though many of out interests and personality traits are diammetrically opposite.

Having said that, I think the problems often come to the fore mostly when bringing up children, because people argue about how to bring them up (whether to take them to church, etc.) If you're not going to have children together, that shouldn't be an issue.

WhatIsIncompatiable · 06/11/2011 22:49

First time I've ever thought about the M word - and yes I want to for the first time - we are prob going to get wed at time X on date Y next year - our two year anniversary of meeting

Specific cos we know when and why we met but can't disclose etc

He lives with me now - hence the OCD issue comes to fore - he cleaned after work - I got home and next day there were clothes piles everywhere waiting to sort - which WERE on my to do list but hadn't been done..............

Kids - I've never wanted them - I'm praying for the menopause - I'm just not a kid person when they need me all the time - possibly cos Im an only child and 20 years younger than any of my cousins and moved up 2 years in school - I don't do small kids - his are 14 and 12 and we get on very well - my other nieces anmd nephews are 15-25 and I do believe they - and more importantly - their parents - love my auntying

I just couldn't imagine two people so different being together - I think its bridal nerves setting in early due to my planning and scientific nature

OP posts:
WhatIsIncompatiable · 06/11/2011 22:54

Hm - we met sort of cos of his job - and I am involved in a sort of way - can't say too much without identifying to people who know us

We always say - other than someone who does his job or works in the industry I'm the best not XYZ person he could be with - cos I get it and understand it

In common - just about everything superficial - movies, theme parks, sitting watching shit TV cos everything is shit lol

OP posts:
izzywhizzyspecanpie · 07/11/2011 01:08

It's not unusual for two people of diverse political and relgious persuasions to feel an affinity for each other b,ut whether their attraction to each other will stand the test of time very much depends on their level of maturity and capacity for tolerance.

If you reach an impasse when debating your ideals, you need to share the ability to agree to to differ rather than continually trying to chip away at the other's beliefs and mores.

I come from 'mixed' parentage. Both lawyers. Democrat public defender mentality pop meets Republican hang'em high prosecutor mom. WASP meets Catholic. Damn Yankee meets Southern belle.

Political, religious and legal debates at the family dinner table have always been, and continue to be, lively to say to least but certain rules apply namely, the crockery and the cultlery stay on the the table and, though voices can become loud-ish, no shouting or overtly personal insults (unless of the extremely droll or humourous variety) are allowed.

It comes down to live and let live. If you're convinced you can live with him without wanting to change him, and if he feels the same way about you, I don't see any reason why you should be in with less chance of a happy and long-lasting than any other couple with the proviso that should you become disenchanted with each other, any fundamental differences may bite you on the bum with a vengeance and rapidly become intolerable.

As for his OCD and your slobbishness bookishness, a dishwasher and a cleaner should easily resolve any differences of opinion on that score.

Have I told you what you want to hear? Shall I buy a hat? Grin

Ungratefulchild · 07/11/2011 02:11

You actually sound like you are really compatible to me. just go for it, it feels right. xxx

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