Im in a right fucking mess................

[whatthehellhappened]

Ok, i live with DP, my dd (by an ex) and i am 9 weeks preganant with a planned first baby for us. We live together, but i have a tiny house rented out to a friend. I cant afford the mortgage on it.

I have a dsd (12) who lives with us half the time.

I am very sick and very tired with this pregnancy. It makes me short tempered, and yes a bit moany.

Me and DP ended up having a discussion this morning over the state of the house, and the fact i am tired, and that im not getting any help, and ended up in a row with me telling him, "fine me, dd, and the baby will move out and you can all live in your own shit"

Dp not spoken to me all day, and while i was out decided to do gardening instead of any of the million things (washing to put away, washing up two days old he hasnt done etc etc)

I tried to speak to him tonight, and it ended up in another row, with him telling me he thinks i should move out. He then went off and calmly told dsd that i would be leaving, without discussing the logistics of it with me, or even telling me he was going to tell her.

I heard him, and an absolutely horrendous row has followed, with awful things said on both sides. I told dsd i was pregnant, as he didnt want me to mention it, but i felt that if he wanted to be full and frank, then lets also tell the things that dont show him in a good light (i suspect he knows it wouldnt sit well with anyone him forcing my hand to leave whilst im expecting).

Im not proud of telling dsd, and he is now totally furious with me. Dsd thinks he's done it to teach me a lesson, and he did say to me "perhaps you will think more carefully about what you say next time".

Im horrified at how this has turned out. My dd is 5, her dad neither sees nor maintains her, and Dp has been her dad for the last few years, i have a baby on the way, a small job, which will not pay my mortgage at the moment, let alone when Mat pay kicks in (am self employed) and im in a total and utter fuck up.

If he is saying it to teach me a lesson, then it raises some serious questions about a man who would do that to the partner he loves, is meant to be marrying next year, and who is pregnant with their child.

If it isnt to teach me a lesson, then what the fuck do i do? I wont be able to pay the mortgage, manage two children, work, pay the bills etc.

When i met Dp he was divorcing, and i have supported and supported and lent him money to help him, yet the minute a bit of slack maybe needs to be cut for me its all too much.

He apparently wants peace, which im not giving him. WHen i asked about the baby he just shrugged and said "what about it?"

I was a bitch, i hold my hands up that it was not one sided, but my god, who does that to their partner, then does as he is doing now, which is sitting downstairs watching telly, eating his tea and laughing at the telly!!

Im in a total fucking mess. I either need to eat humble pie and undo this, or i need to actually go. Neither of them seems too attractive right now.

OK, breathe!
You're in the middle of a row, and things have been said in the heat of the moment. Do nothing at the moment. Keep your distance, don't force any issues, wait until the steam clears and have a calm clear conversation in a day or two.

Sorry you're struggling. Im not an expert at all...but didn't want u to go un-answered. Do you want to be with him? Do you usually have a happy / loving relationship?? You don't say much about how you feel about him. Apart from anger over this recent row.

But i went so OTT, i told his daughter about the baby, which we'd been saving as a surprise, and it was a shit thing of me to do.

The whole thing is horrendous, and we have both said awful things we cant unsay.

I cant believe how we got from the dog shedding its fucking hair over the fucking floor, to this, his dd saw it, my 5 year old was there. He said i showed my true colours, and maybe i did, but possibly he's shown his??

I think you need to go. Not tonight, not in a rush, but yes, I'm with you in the level of gobsmackness about who would say such things to teach you a lesson. You might get the trust and respect back, but it will be a long old slog - you need to decide whether it's worth it. Because that's what he's done - he's broken the trust and respect. I'm sorry.

You poor thing, how crap to have to deal with this right now, when you must be knackered. Don't entirely blame pregnancy hormones, he should be doing his share of work and he shouldn't be 'teaching you a lesson'. Is he normally the autocratic type.
I would be tempted to pack yours and DD's bags and take off somewhere for a couple of days to give him the peace he's so desperate for and see if that jolts him into apologising for his deeply unpleasant behaviour. If he doesn't, well you know what kind of man he is.
Whatever happens, you will manage. Better than you think right now.

We are normally reasonably happy, barring the usual stresses and strains of homelife/skids/ex wife etc.

He was made up about the baby, yet he has just gone like that. He can shut off and be very hard and cold sometimes, but then i can go off like a fishwife and say too much, so we're neither of us innocent.

Don't beat yourself up too much re telling the DSD. You shouldn't have done it, but I can absolutely see why you did.

I'd leave it for this evening, give yourselves a chance to both calm down, then tomorrow have a talk while the children are at school.

It sounds like you need to initially address the catalyst, which is the house being a mess, and agree what each of you is going to do to straighten it out and keep on top of it.

Once that's been sorted, then talk about the other stuff. I think that you should both apologise for what's been said and then try to put it behind you.

It doesn't sound serious enough to split up over, people say silly things when they're angry.

I would advise you both to sleep on it tonight. You have been able to tell us that some of the things you said were out of order and you shouldn't have said them. This is all you need to say to him.

The dsd seems to have been involved in all this which is not at all acceptable imo.

I would suggest that when you are both calm you sit down and have a talk about what you both want out of your relationship. You really need to be able to talk about your differences in a mature way and leave the chldren out of it, but I am sure you don't need me to tell you that.

It sounds tough.

But you told him you would move out. He took you up on it. Says fine, leave. He basically called you on an empty threat. And says it will teach you to be careful what you say in future. In a way I agree with him. You lowered the discussion to this level, and he caught you in an ultimatum you were not about to follow through.

He might ask "how can she threaten to take the baby and move out? Over a messy house? Why not have an adult conversation about it?"

Being messy is one thing, abusive quite another. Only you know what he is really like.

Don't really know what you should do, but as someone who was used as a pawn in parental arguments as a child, can you please both as a first priority go and apologise to dsd and tell her that you should not have involved her and that she does not need to worry or feel any responsibility about your adult arguments. TBH I think he was worse than you with confusing her by saying you were leaving just like that, whereas she would have found out about the pregnancy in the end anyway (but it's not a nice way for her to hear about it). Poor girl will probably feel incredibly confused and panicked!

I have apologised. I did quite quickly after.

I never use her in rows, and i feel crap. However, she wouldnt have been involved had he not decided to tell her i was leaving. If that was to be the case i had envisaged telling her together calmly at a later date, when the dust was settling.

Although its horrible for her, my main priorities are my dd, the one on the way and me, as dsd will survive without me quite easily i imagine. I know she wanted me to get pregnant, so its not a nasty shock, im just not proud of myself for blurting it out.

Am tempted to try to talk to DP but i think it'll just be even worse if i do.

hope things have calmed down now

You are using the pregnancy as an illness, im pregnant i cant do this, im pregnant you do that. you are not ill, if he works outside the house and you work in it why cant you do housework? Ive never let my house slide to a shit hole when pregnant, even when I worked full time for 14 years when I had two kids my house was never a mess.

stop using the pregnancy as a weapon. you still have to pull your weight.

whatthehellhappened... well 'what the hell happened' is that he's showing his true colours.

He told his DD that you were moving out before you had discussed it properly, presumably your 5yo heard that too - nice one. He then said 'what about it' when you said about the baby... He can shut off and be hard & cold.

He's not the sort of bloke I'd be with.

You, DD & the baby will find a way of coping. Go to the CAB tomorrow and find out what help you are entitled to. Get them to help you work out if you are better in a private rental or moving back into your own place.

Is there anyone you and DD can stay with for a couple of weeks while you sort this out?

Thanks for the replies.

Ive been at work all day, so only just read them.

Things much calmer today after a nights sleep. DP claims he was being reactive to the things i was saying. I obviously dont remember it that way, andthere are aspects of this that have got my alarm bells ringing.

However, in the here and now i dont want to make a knee jerk reaction, so i will sit on this and see. I have a small amount of money put away, which i am going to continue to add to. That way, i feel i have some power if i need to, to make some options.

I have apologised to dsd again for what happened.

One another note, Fabbychic, i do work, i have a hard, manual, outside job. I work for myself, and i do not work in an office.

I have, since moving here, pretty much run this house single handedly. I do all the cooking, shopping, washing and cleaning, whilst caring for a dsd half the time.

I dont think feeling incredibly ill and asking my DP to help me out is "not pulling my weight". I suffered extremely bad SPD first time around, and had to continue working until i eventually had my dd prematurely. I can already feel the twinges of it starting again, so i assume you would expect me to continue to work (manual work) and do everything here, whilst my dp sits and watches me?

Some people are lucky in pregnancy, and some arent. Im not a bloomer, simple as that.

To everyone else, thankyou for replying. I havent brushed this under the carpet. I am un nerved and not happy with what went on, but at the moment i have no where to go, and am not sure if that would be what would be best for me or the children x

I'm sorry your having a shit time but wow your poor dsd she is 12 FFS that is alot to take on board and when you to have made up and forgotten about the argument she will probably still be reeling. You both need to grow up and stop trying to get a child to take sides.

As someone who has suffered MS in all of my pregnancies he needs to let things slide for a couple of weeks, it's not forever.

I would seriously consider delaying a wedding until you see how the land lies after this. At that point all your assets are shared. At least now you have some money put aside and a house that you've rented out.

I'm glad you aren't going to brush this under the carpet. Only you can make the decision about what's best for your children, but we are here if you want to talk about it any more OK.

Have you told him you are leaving before? When I was with my stbxh in the early days and newly pregnant, I used to threaten to leave a lot. You said it and he called you out on it. Probably because he felt you were throwing that at him to gain control of the situation rather than the fact you really feel things are bad enough to leave as shown by you not following it through. If he was to give in based on you threatening to leave, that's not a healthy way to sort out problems and for all he knows, everytime you feel things aren't going your way, you could threaten it again and again. Do you see what I am getting at?

You both need to sit down and address the issues going on. Not play games with each other to gain control which is how it seems to me. Also neither of you should be involving his dd. Even though he involved her first, you didn't have to then involve her again on your part. Smacks of tit for tat.