On the brink......sleazy affair & 18months later

[Spirit72]

To summarise, married with 3rd old & 3mth old when I found out he was having an affair with a colleague. I kicked him out then woke up the next day distraught, panicked & wanted him back. For two months he messed me about, finally moved back home then that same night she text him & it was clear he was still seeing her. Cue final straw, tell him to leave & instructed solicitors the next day. Month down the line he brokedown at the extent of his loss but I held my head up, bit my tongue to stop my lip wobbling & divorced him.

Fast forward 7yrs, married with 3rd child........2yrs ago I discovered he had a separate email address, logged in & found out he was emailing girls, intimate mail & photo exchanges. Asked him to leave fir a few days, did some thinking & decided to make a go of it. Fast forward 18mths, he's gardening, blackberry flashes, unusually I pick it up & read an email......all there in black and white, clearly having an affair. Made him leave, world collapsed & friends & family offer massive support. After a month of deliberation I let him home, he says he's sorry, been an idiot etc. (in the meantime I've paid a visit to the 'gran' he was sha*ging - boy he wasn't choosy!). I also posted a copy of the email to her husband - he deserved to know and actually turned up at my husbands work to sort him out but didn't (sadly!)

The ramifications of his affair were awful, my parents never spoke to him for a year (they live 5mins away & we're very close to them). They do speak to him now but I know it's only for my sake. My brother had never set foot in our house since but I respect his decision, he's my brother & he hates seeing me hurting.

Today....18mths later I still have an overpowering feeling of anger to him. I don't feel like he is remorseful, sorry or that he gets it that having been cheated on once he could then go on and do the worst thing possible to me. Our daughter is 5, how could he do that to her when he's seen my children from 1st marriage sob for their Dad?

I only work part time, he has a great salary so I would struggle but I'd do it if I had to alone. I'm torturing myself inside, it's like he's not been made to pay for what he's done.

I can't talk to him as he gets aggressive & thinks that the box is closed, move on. Sometimes I just want him to ask me how I am, how I'm feeling, if I'm ok..........but he doesn't, even if I tell him this he gets cross. I do love him but I'm not sure that's enough anymore.

If you asked my children or friends what I want every year for Christmas they'd say 'peace in my heart' - is it achievable?

I read all these threads and can relate to so many but I just feel so destroyed by his actions and lack of remorse in the aftermath.

Sorry, just trying to understand whether you're talking about two different men/relationships there.

So he's not monogamous, he's aggressive, but has a good salary. Why are you with him? He's not gonna change.

I'd be more concerned with the aggression tbh.

I think it's two relationships. I had this happen to me. My husband was unfaithful with someone older than his own mother when I was a pretty and attractive 25 year old with two small children. Spent nearly six years on my own. Had another relationship that lasted almost 12 years and he did the same. I think you've done well to stay with him but it is clear that this matter is far from resolved in your heart and maybe you will only get that peace, when you decided whether you actualy want him any longer. Best wishes to you. It's a shitty thing to have done to you once but twice and you start to blame yourself - but you mustn't!

Get rid of the fucker

Like you had to get rid of the last one

Your dc will still benefit from his "good salary" as their father, but he is a shite partner

I am really sorry that lightening has struck twice for you, but that is what it is. Some men are cheating liars. You have been unfortunate. That is no reason to stick around for more of the same though.

Thanks for your perspective on this - yes two different husbands. Once bitten twice shy but twice bitten, Jesus I'm unlucky!

Anyfu**er I was hoping you'd comment, I love your responses to posts on here, you remind me if myself in a way (I must hunt back for your story).

I would get so much satisfaction and self respect from leaving him, I know that. Revenge is a dish best served cold etc.......I did talk to him after posting this yesterday. As usual he says I don't trust him, I agree, let's face it why would I? But apparently that's my 'problem' not his?! He honestly believes that he can do no more as it's all in my head now, he thinks I should be able to draw a line.

Without blowing my own trumpet, when we met he wasn't the best looking guy, not a great job & divorced after 'drifting apart'. Not many friends and very controlling parents. We moved in together, I supported him massively through his career transition, putting my own career in law on hold to have a baby as he wanted one (I love her dearly). Through me he know has a great social life, solid family unit and all the trappings that go with it.

He is so immature, disrespectful and bloody lucky to have been given this chance. If I'd been such a tw*t I'd embrace it with both hands.

Am I flogging a dead horse for the sake of a solid family unit for our daughter or are the majority if men the same?

PS I'm 40 this month and having read a recent article by Melanie Sykes about how she divorced by her 40th it's played on my mind a lot.

I'm having surgery before Xmas so can't do anything in the immediate but it's on my mind daily.

Not all men are like this

Not all men are cocklodgers, will sit back and let you do all the work on the relationship, and then start manipulating you to stay within it when they realise you are starting to think "what's in this for me ?"

you seem to have a lot of insight into the imbalance in your relationship...and that you are being controlled by him, sometimes in an passive-aggressive manner and other times he shows his controlling teeth, doesn't he ?

this book may be interesting reading for you

You are flogging a dead horse.

This is now the second incident of infidelity (and that's only the stuff you've found out about) and it's clear that your partner thinks you will put up with anything. Not all men are like this, you have been very unlucky and I'd advise you to trust your instincts and value yourself more highly.

Cocklodger - I love that phrase!!

If I'm being totally honest and I can be with you stars on here - there is no person more that I would hate to cross than me and I think he knows it now. Plus I have legal entitlement to all the equity in our house so am able to start again ok whilst he has nothing but his salary.

If I do it, it will be very calmly, calculated and on my terms.

I think one of my best memories was driving to his work unannounced, picking him up then getting him to direct me to his Grannies loveshack. She appears in leggins and a fleece, I of course am there in my best 'nobody fu*ks with me outfit and killer knee length boots on!'. Gave her a severe Scorpio's tongue lashing in front of her neighbours, presented her with a photo of his daughter (her step daughter?), all his dirty underwear and a condom for future use. I then sped off and left him standing there, miles from work with his underpants in his hand..........oh that's when I came home, printred off their evidence emails and sent them special delivery to her husband who returned home from a week away at work to the postman asking for his signature on the Saturday morning.

You know girls I actually in a way wait for when he does it again so I have closure. A good friend says that if I was going to leave him I would have done it at the time............maybe that revenge dish is suitably cold now?!

What I don't get when you clearly don't like him is how you can still sleep with him (assuming you do)

That must be awful.

It's no big romance I can assure you.

It's not that I don't like him - it's that I am still so angry at him for what he did. If I didn't like/love him i would have long gone. What is missing is the lack of remorse.........I wanted him to be sorry and show it, I just wanted to feel like it was the worse mistake he'd ever made and regretted but I don't feel it.