controlling relationship

[lizzie83]

Hi i am at a complete loss. I have been with my partner for 13 years and we have a 3 year old son together but it's just not working. He blames me for everything that goes wrong - if our son's breaks anything, not having enough money, the way the house looks. I have recently decorated most of the house on my own and thought this would please him instead i just got told how useless i was and that he wished i hadn't bothered. I do work myself but only part time and so don't earn half as much as him and get criticised for that alot but feel this is right for me so I get to spend time with our son - maybe I'm wrong. He has also been violent I don't consider myself a batttered wife but I also know it's not right. I just don't know how to leave - I have no money and the thought of splitting up our son's family breaks my heart. I just feel like such a terrible person and don'y know what I am doing wrong. Any Ideas??

I assume you're not married? Are you living in rented accomodation? Is your name on the tenancy agreement, or do you have a joint mortgage?

We have a joint mortgage but want not money or claim to the house as It was money from his grandmother's inheritance that paid for the deposit and as he has always worked full time he has always paid the mortgage - it is his house, however he also won't take my name off the mortgage as he has just started up his own business so although he can afford it on paper he wouldn't be able to take it on himself. Very confusing I know maybe I am being naive but I just want a reasonable break up.

It sounds as if you and DS will live a healthier life without him. I hear what you're saying about your son's family but, to be honest, this is a family that will teach him to be constantly afraid, never feeling good enough and to expect violence. Not good for a trusting child, really, nor for you.

As your name is on the mortgage, you'll be liable for any debt if it falls into arrears. If you bought 13 years ago there might be enough value in the property to cover the full amount of the loan, which wouldn't be so bad. I think you need to ring Womens Aid and get their take on your situation. They should laso be able to recommend a solicitor with experience of domestic abuse.

I think you'll start to feel better when you've found out your facts. You've been brave to post! Well done - the next step is to get clarity on your position. Good luck :)

You're best advised to have a chat with Women's Aid. The national helpline freephone number is 0808 2000 247 or 808 2000 247 from a mobile (calls will be charged at your network providers usual rate).

Because this number gets oversubscribed at times, google 'women's aid' followed by your town or county for details of local WA resources in your area.

I dislike the term 'battered women' because women are not fish but if he's been violent to you, he has committed assault and battery against you.

You may not think of yourself or what he has done to you in those terms but, nevertheless, you are a victim of domestic violence and abuse and he is an appalling role model for your ds.

Women's Aid will help you get out of this abusive relationship and restart your life elsewhere if necessary.

Do you have any friends/family that you could stay with temporarily? If not, Women's Aid will help you leave your abusive partner in the middle of the night if ncessary.

You and your son will be so much better off living without this controlling and violent man. Please do call Women's Aid as the others have suggested.

And the only way he's been able to work full time to pay the mortgage is because you have been providing him with childcare for his son, remember.

agree with post.

His GM left him money. You have this man's child her great-grandson. She would expect her GS to put a roof over his son's head. The house/money is not about punishing your X, it's about making ends meet, about living somewhere.

You need legal advice, and you DO need to get out of that relationship. he's hit you, he will hit you again, whenever the need arises.

Eventually your son may either experience violence at the hands of his father, or he will grow up to be just like him. You could end up in a situation where you give birth to your own abuser.

You can get a charge on the house so that if he sells, a proportion will have to be paid to you/his son. If he wants to raise the money to buy you out of the house, why shouldn't he?

You need to live, you can't stay with him.

Get legal advice, talk to the CAB, talk to your HV, your GP, and woman's aid.

"I know maybe I am being naive but I just want a reasonable break up."

He's abusive. Abusers don't do reasonable.

Be ready for this.

We on MN have much experience in this, if you need any hand holding, advice, keep posting?