What is a big issue in a relationship?

[BertieBotts]

(This may go off topic because I don't know what it is I really want to talk about)

I posted a stupid thread in chat yesterday because DP was pissing me off with his cooking of foods that I hate the smell of. And I got really upset the other day (I was premenstrual) because he said the thought of me potentially breastfeeding DS up to XYZ age made him feel uncomfortable. So I talked to him last night about the food thing and it somehow ended up in a conversation about how the house is a tip all of the time - which is the fault of both of us, since we both basically do nothing. But possibly me making the most mess because I don't even clean up after myself/DS.

But it's just things like this - food smells and cleaning and stuff - I've completely lost track of whether these are minor issues that we can get over. My rational brain says they are, since we have a good relationship and can talk and discuss things, and do generally want to make life easier for the other even if we've slipped into not doing it - but when it comes to practical solutions/compromises it's not so much that I can't think of them but that I'm consumed with this terror that there might be no solution at all, and what if I've really fucked up here by letting him move in so soon and we aren't really compatible at all because there's just stuff that really bugs each of us and we end up splitting up, and if I've done that to DS then I just hate myself for it.

This isn't rational is it??

When people move in that's when u find out if you are compatible or not. Perhaps you aren't.

If you have only just moved in together then you will be learning about each other all the time. This is why it makes sense to get to know someone properly (and I dont just mean a few weeks while you are both loved up and wearing rose tinted specs) before starting a family together.

Erm yes thanks for that, it was slightly more than a few weeks.

My mum used to say that it was the little things that got between people, stuff that happens every day. You have usually sorted out compatibility re the big issues earlier on, things like politics, religion, how you handle money etc. So I suppose it boils down to the fact that it's not a question of whether the issues are big or not, but how much they are coming between you.

I was talking in general Bertie, not aiming it at you. I have no idea how long you have been living together.

Cleaning and cooking smells are really not big issues though. I have been married ten years and we still bicker about both of those!

its completely normal - housework is no.1 bug bear for many households

Thanks Reality :) And interesting IDon't.

Far too early to panic, Bertie!

When two adults move in together there is bound to be a bit of a clash between their different habits and expectations. There's bound to be a bit of negotiation etc in the settling-in period. Smelly foods and untidiness don't have to be big issues if you tackle them together, with a bit of mutual consideration etc. For example if he loves his smelly foods you may agree to him having them on certain days; if an untidy bathroom drives him crazy, you may agree that that's one thing you will make sure is always done while the other rooms are as-and-when. My mother used to make a daily tick-list of tasks which included tidying one room, vacuuming one floor, weeding one flowerbed etc. This might work for you. But the key is discussion, negotiation, managing expectations of yourselves and each other. It takes a bit of work but as long as you're both willing, it's the foundation of a great future together. And as DS grows, his part in running the household - putting his toys away by x time for example! - can be factored in.

Hope you guys work it out, because if anyone deserves a happy future, it's you.

Bertie: you strike me as someone very insightful and mature when it comes to relationships. I often admire your posts on here and was surprised when I clicked on your profile that you are only 23.

Perhaps you are over thinking about minor issues. There are always some readjustments needed when you move in with someone. From what you've posted, your issues sound like small relationship issues that can be solved, not a major sign that you are incompatible.

We were loves young dream living together which we did almost form day one.The roles were clearly defined as we both worked shifts and it was my house and my child.Since we had dd its changes,im on mat leave,hes the main earner and we both have an equal say in the raising/car of our baby.
As a control freak this has tested us as a couple,as have night wakings and the hard work of a baby.

When we get into bed tho i love to cuddle up to him and my tummy still flips when he rings texts or comes home.He sends me soppy texts and we nearly always reflect on our squabbles whilst pissing ourselves at the ludicrousness of them.

In short we have bickers but they are forgotten quickly and we adore each other.
If rows dragged on for days and the respect and love werent there then that would be serious for me.

I like ledkr's post .

I do think whether you can laugh about the petty rows afterwards is an important one. If you can never bring it up again without it being deadly serious and starting it all over, then that wouldn't seem good to me.

You have only been together a year haven't you? I'm sure I've seen other posts about you or by you recently.

A year is usually when the real person starts to come through. It is very soon to be living with someone, before this side comes out.

It maybe something or nothing or it maybe the glaze is coming off and you aren't compatible. Only you will know that.

This is all encouraging to hear! We have been living together for 3 months, and there's been a lot going on in that time as well - his mum has been ill, I've been ill, contact related stuff with DS' dad, DP got a new job, I was worried about going back to uni, and then money stuff, and I suppose still adjusting to spending time together etc. We spend quite a lot of time on our respective computers and sometimes watch TV together, but the time we talk tends to be in the early mornings when he gets back from work, and I suppose I've felt we've been "connecting" less because of just doing stuff side by side whereas he feels this is the same (or more) than we were doing before.

We don't really argue when we discuss stuff, and I always feel listened to. I'm just really cautious about bringing issues etc over from previous relationships and while I'm confident sometimes about which things to bring up, sometimes I worry that it will just make me look neurotic or stupid. And then sometimes when we do discuss stuff it feels sorted at the time but then I realise later it wasn't, or there's some follow up which we intend to do, like the other day we decided to go over our finances together, and it never happened, because when I suggested we do it now, he said "Oh I cross referenced your estimate from the other day and it matched up to my estimate so we don't really need to now." And that makes me feel a bit frustrated or almost panicky, because it's not what I imagined was meant by going over it together.

My friend drew me a wonderful diagram from a marriage class she did before marrying her husband - it was proper men think X way/women think Y way kind of bollocks, but she did hit on something where me and DP do have two very different thinking styles. He is very logical and tends to think about a problem, come up with various solutions quietly to himself and then present the problem and his best solution to me all at once, at which point we discuss it, maybe tinker with the solution, and then, for him, it's completely sorted. But for me, when he comes at me with this problem and solution all at once it's quite overwhelming and I'm discussing it as though it's a preliminary thought process. So I then go off and think about it, and want to discuss it again. And he gets confused because we've already discussed this and he thought it was sorted. But I tell him to humour me and we discuss it and (usually) come to the same conclusion. And again he thinks it's sorted. And then I go off and think about it some more and decide we need to talk about it again just one last time, and by this point I can tell he's getting a bit frustrated that we're discussing the same thing again.

I'm rambling now. Sorry!

Yes we've been together a year. But were good friends for months before that, and semi-close friends since school. We lost touch for a few years. It was weird because I didn't expect to suddenly see him in a romantic way. But all in all this is the most open relationship I've ever had in terms of discussion. I think that's why it's weird for me We laugh about things afterwards, always, and when we discuss stuff we do genuinely mean what we say but it seems life and old habits take over from those good intentions. Especially mine, if I'm honest.

Yes I have been thinking a kind of "date night" idea would be good. Where we concentrate on each other and not other things and if we're really tired then at least just watching some TV or something without distractions of dinner.

We are going out for a meal next week which I'm really looking forward to :) Will be our third ever actual, out of the house date

'how the house is a tip all of the time - which is the fault of both of us, since we both basically do nothing. But possibly me making the most mess because I don't even clean up after myself/DS.'

Sounds like our house!

None of these things are major. We have been married for 15 years and together for 24 yet the above is an issue we still have. He aggravates me, I aggravate him.... we will do things that annoy each other and then we make up and we always love each other. We disagree loads but we don't scream and shout at each other and we do love each other so you get through it and the little things are soon forgotten about.

But as someone else said - that's what living together is about and some people can and some can't and now is the time to tell the difference. Only you can decide what is a big issue and what is not. The messy house thing is not a major issue for hubby and as it is clean, just untidy, he is okay with it. But perhaps if he was OCD that would not be the same. So we are all different and therefore our issues are different so what is a big deal for one is not necessarily so for another.

My mother used to make a daily tick-list of tasks which included tidying one room, vacuuming one floor, weeding one flowerbed etc.

That's a great idea, Annie, I'm going to try it, thanks.

Bertie - it somehow ended up in a conversation about how the house is a tip all of the time

I think you just need to be wary of the conversation going off on a tangent like this. It's an easy way to deflect having to deal with the original issue. If you want to talk about a particular issue (say food smells) and your DP comes back with, well the house is a state, you could say, ok we'll talk about that next if you like, but right now I want to talk about the food smells (or whatever). This is what me & DH do. It stops the 'blame game', keeps us focussed on the issue and hopefully we can reach a compromise.

I think it was me who ended up steering it TBH.

We've had a nice morning today. Stressful because we're now skint, but we went shopping and approached getting stuff cheap together, and then went for a coffee as our "one treat" of the month. (Meal was a groupon thing I paid for months ago). Then I got a bit upset because I'm going to have to get a job but don't want DS in full time childcare just yet :( So we talked about that a bit as well and that was reassuring.

I think I find it stressful when we're both trying to deal with stuff separately and not really discussing it. Whereas he thinks I stress more if I'm thinking about it so tries to sort it himself. When we're doing it together I feel like it will be alright in the end.

This is looking like a give-and-take thread, Bertie. It is really important to know what matters a lot to your partner and to accommodate them on that as far as possible. It cuts both ways equally.

If it doesn't feel equal right now, you and DP might be in for some list-making. You do NOT have to understand the way your partner thinks, or vice-versa! That way madness lies. All you need to know is how to compromise comfortably, both ways.

One of the popular replies to "What counts as Unreasonable Behaviour in a divorce?" is the story of a man who divorced his wife because she cooked fish every Friday, despite knowing he couldn't stand the smell! This is really a story of two people who didn't care enough about each other, because nobody divorces over an apparently trivial matter. One of them could have gone out for Friday supper each week, for example, but clearly that marriage suffered from a theme of "Don't do that!" "I'll do what I like, stuff you!" - so wasn't a healthy or happy one.

There are bound to be little things each other do that drive each other mental. It wouldnt be normal if nothingthe other person did never irritataed you. I expect your mum, dad, sister, brother, ex flatmates, kids etc do little irritating things when you lived/live with them. It wouldnt be normal for them never, ever to do anything that gets on your nerves.

If they are constantly doing irritating things and you dont get on then you might not be compatible. It all depends on what the person is doing and how they react when you say something about it.

With me i find it's the big things i think i'm handling really well are actually bottled up and released in the form of bickering about stupid little things. As my DH is the same we sometimes have Stupid Little Arguments over dinner or making sandwiches or something equally innocuous. I just have no clue that a big thing is really bothering me until it bubbles over. DH and I have been together for nine years and married for just over two and have an 11 mo DS. We really are fantastic together the vast majority of the time now but at the beginning we just couldn't live with each other. We had several brief 'separations' for example but when all was said and done we couldn't live without each other either. These days i know that if DH starts getting picky with my kitchen habits it's probably because he's actually concerned about his job, his daughter, his parents or some other Big Issue and i either just ignore him or ask him to tell me what's really bothering him. He does the same with me. Sometimes it still ends up in an argument, but thankfully we communicate much better than at the start so the arguments happen much less often these days and we get over it pretty quickly.