think i made the worst decision of my life..

[smallyellowduck]

...and i feel sick thinking about it. I broke up with exDP for current DP. Fed up of boring relationship, workaholic ex, and found a new exciting relationship. It went fast, i was desperate for everything to be perfect, and we didn't get to know each other properly. Had a baby and then things have gone down and down from here. I don't think we really love each other properly, we argue often and don't act as a unit and have been arguing in front of ds. I can't bear to have our baby grow up in this kind of environment. i miss my ex so much, i was so stupid to chase the dream when actually what I had would have been great long term, stability, close extended families and calm love. No chance of going back to him, I am not suggesting that. I know I made a bad decision and now i need to live with it, but it is hurting so much. I have no idea what to do. I just miss what I had with my exDP so much and that is not healthy when you are in a new relationship is it?

The grass is always greener on the other side. Things can't have been that perfect before, otherwise you wouldn't have left.

Life is full of 'what ifs' Im afraid.

If the relationship is worth salvaging, you need to take a step back and re-evaluate exactly what is wrong.

You rushed into having a baby to make everything perfect. That's a big upheaval in any ones life, let alone a fledgling relationship. Im afraid 'excitement' tends to fly right out of the window when you are dealing with a small and demanding person.

If the foundations of your relationship are solid, then you will work through it.

Just because it's not working right now doesnt mean you should both give up on it.

How old is your ds? If quite tiny, could it be partly the pressures/shock of his arrival? Lots of people have loads of rows after 1st baby.

Agree that this could be a case of grass is greener, your ex was a workaholic? Doesn't sound ideal, especially of you'd had kids together, "calm love" is hard when you're the one doing all the childcare 24/7.

Perhaps it might help to try to consciously limit your thoughts about your ex, not going to help you to sort out your current situation, it's done. Main thing is to decide if you want to try some more with your current dp, or, if you just don't love him, what to do next.

Is your new dp good to you?

look if you were totally happy with exdp you wouldnt have gone off - you werent happy - that is evident from your actions - with regards to your present relationship why isnt it working? do you know why? what it is that happens to irritate you both - having a baby put immense pressure on a couple - maybe not everyone but i believe many relationships suffer in the transition. It is so true and happened to me but if you both want it to work and you are both reasonable about what you can expect then why cant it work? please forget about your exdp - its over - not coming back and focussing on that (probably with rose coloured glasses on) is not doing you or your family unit any favours - focus on your current dp and baby - hope you two can talk and work things through - there was a reason why you started going out with him in the first place, give it a go at getting that spark back and tell him you want him to try too since it takes two to tango! best of luck (if youre still holding onto the past your hands are not free to grab the future!!!!!!!!!! cant remember who wrote that but it is so true)

you guys are lovely. thank you. you are right, not to ficus on the past, but it is so difficult when I think there were many positives that I just ignored/was blind to. Me and my current dp are very different, come from very different family units, different upbringings,expectations, ideals etc...these things become more apparent after being with each other for a while and tensions arise. what do you suggest?

I really feel for you as I made exactly the same mistake & although I have had relationships since I have'nt found any man that measures up to my exh morals/priorities/ethics etc.. all the qualities that I overlooked in place of the spark had gone/he works alot/we don't spend time together!! I was stupid & wish everyday I could turn the clock back, I broke up my family on a whim & I hate myself for that. I desperately wished I had stayed & had councilling with relate. We are still on good terms thankfully, 3 years on there are no romantic feelings on my part but I have the upmost respect for the man & I know I will never be loved by anyone the way he loved me. I don't know what to suggest about your situation other than life is too short to be so unhappy I would rather be alone than in a bad relationship.

I try to think that maybe everything happens for a reason & I was meant to be on my own or that there is a tiny chance I will be happy with someone again it is better than always looking to the past that is just painful. xx

I would suggest, if possible, you get a baby sitter and make some 'couple time' - go right back to the roots of your relationship. That doesnt necessarily mean going out - it could just be a couple of hours in the afternoon or of a weekend where you can rediscover yourselves.

Babies place an awful lot of stress on any relationship - even the really stable ones.

You say your upbringings are very different so you will have some conflict there but it doesnt mean your way is the right way. Niether is his so compromise must be found.

Talking and communication is the key to all successful realtionships. Once that goes and people take each otehr forgranted, that opens up a whole new spectrum of problems. People want attention, and if you arent getting it at home you'll look elsewhere for it.

So make that time for each other.

belle sounds so similar :( how do you manage?

Remember that it's OK to be single, too. If the relationship you are in is not working, don't think in terms of finding someone else, think in terms of sorting yourself out.

You don't have to live with your decision - if your relationship isn't working and you don't love each other, it might be better all round to end it. Better to be a lone parent than to be showing your dc an angry, miserable family environment and miserable yourself.

How old is your DS? Small baby stage was very difficult for us and things do get better.

I also moved in with/ married/ had baby with someone I barely knew
Its worked for us because although we are extremely different we do have the same core values and really love/respect each other. We do argue a lot though and sometimes I do think 'I've married a mad person' I think our arguements mostly are pretty constructive - do you find that or do you think you just go round in circles?

Just because there is friction in the relationship doesn't necessarily mean its a bad thing so if there is good things you can build on - do it. If he's not on board though there's really no shame in parenting apart. Just don't get all regretful - life takes a few twists and turns sometimes :)

Echo what SGB says - it's ok to be on your own for a while and sort yourself out, what you want/need.

Also, the grass is greener on the other side because it's fertilized with bullshit

Art our arguments tend to go round in circles. We argue/communicate in a very different way to each other and that doesn't help us to find solutions and be constructive as i don't think we understand each other's way of arguing. i find his agressive and he finds me emotional.
fluffy buzz SGB I don't know how to be on my own, not with a new baby. how do you manage that, I wouldn't know where to begin...

troisgarcons you are right, our baby has changed a lot, although there was problems before. You are right in saying that our different upbringings make things difficult. I know that i am not right etc etc, but it is difficult when things that really matter to me don't matter to him, and when i tell him that they matter to me, I feel like i am nagging.

Dozer yes DP is good to me, not perfect, but can be lovely. Can be horrid too, in arguments, though nothing to worry about horrid IYSWIM?

One of my main saddnesses is that I was desperate to have a family. I have grown up in a difficult family unit and I realise now how much I wanted to 'grow' a family and give my children a big loving family. With exDP I got on so well with his extended family, we were all friends and cared about each other and had things in common. Why did i step away from it, i don't know now. With DP there is none of that. I find his family very difficult to get along with. We are from such different circumstances that it is hard to relate. No one is in the right or wrong in this situation, it is just a case of people who don't really get on very well together. Of course we are all civil, but there is no friendship there and it won't be a true family. :( I just feel so sad about it.

Tbh it helps that we are still good friends as I still feel we are there for each other, could'nt imagine my life without his friendship. I also accept that as much as I love & care for him I did fall out of love before we split & that is hard to get back so I do doubt we would have stayed together long term, we have had many painful heart to hearts & I know I hurt him so much when I took our dd & left so much so he says he would have found it hard to forgive me. I can never seem to move on though & I compare every guy I meet to him I guess I cling on to the hope that one day I will meet a man even half as decent as him or I am truly happy being single (don't think I'll ever be that!!) I also shout from the roof tops to my friends who say they are bored in their relationships "The grass in NOT always greener"!!! Hate for anyone else to lose the love of their life like I did!

If you are 100% sure reconciling with your ex is out of the question, I mean not just a tough, long road really out of the question then give this new relationship 100% so then at least you know in your heart you tried! I think that is so important if you are going to finish it & ever move on. Good luck xx

belle can i ask why you and your ex don't get back together? Even though he is the love of your life? I would love the friendship of my exDP but don't think it can happen. You are right, I should definitely give this relatinoship a proper go, and learn from my last experience that the grass is not always greener. No chance of me and exDP...after hurting him so badly, he has moved on, and I am happy for him and don't want to mess him. And also my DP, this is not fair on him :(

sorry you feel this way about your extended family, one thing i have observed in my own life is that just because you dont 'gel' with the relatives doesnt mean your children wont (with the other children). i dont think all is lost just because youre not close. some people take years to let you in, and stop seeing you as the 'in-law.' i dont know if its possible and i dont want to sound unsympathetic because i am totally sympathetic but may be change your outlook on this. reduce your expectation of the in-laws and totally focus on you and hubby. tbh if youre thinking about exdp its got to be affecting your affection towards dp. btw does hubby support you when dealing with his family? are you currently working or SAHM, i do think life becomes so much more domesticated once you become a mummy and it can feel dreary ... but as the baby grows and developments you gradually get more and more time back for yourself. are you in a interracial relationship? is that why you are talking strongly about differences?

i think u thought the grass was greener and yes sometimes it is,but if you leave ur ex once u will do it again .u need to sort out ur life before ruining anymore relaships

I think I just hurt him way too much & messed him about when we thought we might give things another go, basically I was a bitch. I think the fact that I was in another relationship so quickly (within weeks) hurt him the most. (total rebound) We had a traumatic couple of years before we split the birth of a very poorly baby, 2 years of her health being a rollercoaster, I had to give up work to be her carer & felt as though I had given up all aspects of my life including my social life where as he carried on as normal. (which of course he had to as we needed his income including as much overtime as poss) during those 2 years I think I was depressed & just lost my head, I pushed him away when I should have pulled him close. (tears of regret as I type this) I became a person I did'nt like, so bullish & cold towards anyone other than my dd (it was me & her against the world) She passed away may 2008 & within weeks we had seperated & I was in a new relationship, I stamped all over his heart while he was grieving for the loss of our marriage & our daughter.... this guilt I carry til the day I die. I think the way I feel about myself would also prevent us from being together, you can't expect someone to love you unless you like yourself!! Besides there really is no spark, I look at him & feel love, respect, pride in how well he has done in his career, love seeing how great he is with our other dd but I could'nt even imagine us kissing let alone anything else. I have come to accept that although the strength of my love for him is huge it is not the right type of love to make a marriage work. Like you I would be so happy to see him with someone really nice who makes him happy he deserves it. xx
Someone once told me that everything thats happens in life is an experience (good or bad) & we must learn from it in order to improve our lives, I think you know that already & will work out in time what you want in life. xx

I was in the reverse situation! Rebound relationship after a v long-term one, fell pregnant very quickly except I am luckily married to the stable guy I left the idiot ex for.

Things have worked out very well for me, I love my husband far more than I ever did my ex, we treat each other better, get on better etc etc but even I have the odd day when ex's name pops up in conversation and I get all misty - eyed about the past. It's human nature.

I just remember that I am a different person now, before I had children feels like a different life even and whatever decisions I have made to get me here were THE RIGHT ONES FOR ME AT THE TIME.

I really hope this is just a blip for you. Try to remember what made you fall for your partner in the first place and concentrate (fixedly!) on that. Try to be kind to him and make gestures to show him you're thinking of him even when you don't feel like it and hopefully he will be pleasantly surprised and reciprocate.

When I dislike my husband for some usually hormonal non reason, I buy him a little present (his favourite cakes from the bakery for example) or send him a complimentary email or something which reminds me of the things I like about him and also makes him respond to me in a nice way because he's pleased to be thought of. There's probably all sorts wrong with that but it works for me.

If your current relationship is not a good one, don't attempt to hang onto it to justify a decision you made in the past

That's called cutting your nose off

I worry about you saying you couldn't manage on your own

Of course you could

You are a mature woman with a baby who needs a good role model in life

And describing yourself as someone who would accept a poor relationship because she couldn't cope on her own, is not that, sorry

I think you need to grow up, and stop looking to men to prop you up, especially rubbish ones

You have a whole life of heartache ahead if this is all you can aspire to, really you do, and a poor example to set for your children

Belle, so sorry about your dd .

Belle . Such a sad story. Like everyone else, I feel so sad to think you don't feel you could get back together. Please don't feel guilt about how you treated him after your daughter died. I can't imagine the grief you would have felt and wouldn't expect anyone to behave rationally at that time.

Sorry as I feel I have hijacked the post! :-o

Is'nt it a shame relationships don't come with a handbook!! A common view from older generations is that we give up on marriages/relationships too quickly which I think sometimes we do, I also think it is a shame that relate councilling is'nt more readily available & much more reasonable in cost too. I just wish in my case all the people involved in the health care of my poorly dd from consultants to community nurses to social workers that just 1 of them said "we can see your coping with caring for your dd, but how is your marriage doing under the strain"? because maybe then I would have stopped to consider my exh amoungst my self pity & sadness for my situation with my dd.

sorry, been a way awhile. belle , so sorry also :( I completely agree about needing a handbook...maybe then we would be prepared for the normal thoughts and times that occur in relationships and know that they are worth working through and helping each other with, and not breaking up over. Big hug. Wish I had been a little bit wiser...now to think about the present And no, you haven't hijaked this at all, it is really interesting to hear how you feel so similarly to me with regards to your ex. thanks for sharing.

anyf No, i don't mean that I can't cope without a man at all, probably better on my own TBH . I just mean that as a current SAHM I don't know how to work out the logistics of being a single mum - child care/finances/somewhere to live etc. Of course I could manage once I had worked these things out.

yourmother good point - decisions i made were also right for me at the time so i guess importnant to make and now to live with.

thanks guys. i'm still thinking things through...