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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

is dh being unfair?

9 replies

isthisfair · 31/12/2005 09:00

Dh reckons that I spend too much time talking on the phone to my mother and that my attention to her means that he and I have no real relationship. We have been married for three years and have one ds.

I thought we were both happy but then, after one particularly long phone chat with dm he went into a mood for about three days, then exploded saying that our relationship is non-existent because I am always thinking about dm. She is lonely and I think depressed and doesn't have any real friends, just relatives and aquaintances. I explained this to him but he said that we need some boundaries and even talked of separating , which just came out of nowhere, but he says he's been unhappy about this for a long time.

DM does often call in the evenings and perhaps three or four times a day.

Meanwhile, mil is often over here to stay and to visit, my mother rarely comes over.

I have now told DM all this, and that we should cut back on our chats, particularly in the evening when dh is home, but I feel really gutted for her and think this will affect her relationship with ds. She was heartbroken when I told her.

OP posts:
isthisfair · 31/12/2005 09:03

By the way, I am a regular but don't want to be recognised by RLers.

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XmasPud · 31/12/2005 09:11

Got to say that this, on face value, seems a little strange. Are you sure that your mum is the real issue here. I have this niggling feeling that there is more to it than just lengthy phone calls. Saying that, 3 or 4 calls a day on average does seem rather a lot. If it were just for a short time to help her through a difficult patch, I would want my DH to understand and support me. If it were a long term problem, then maybe other tactics to help your mum would help.
My gran is lonely and suffers depression. We all live too far away to visit regularly and she will not/doesn?t want to move. My mum has many difficult and lengthy calls, constantly drives my dad mad talking about it all as it plays on her mind a lot. He does understand but it must get to him as well. Recently, mum has got the family GP involved and has also got social services involved to help assess her mobility round the house, encourage her to go to social events etc and it has helped a little - just knowing that a proffessional is involved. Perhaps it is at the stage where you need to explain that you are there for her but it is time for her to try to get outside help from someone like a GP, or join a club/group etc.??
In the meantime, I would find time to chat with your DH and find out exactly what is upsetting him and check that it really is about your mum or whether there are other issues you are unaware of xx

isthisfair · 31/12/2005 09:33

Thanks for your ideas Xmaspud. I also think there is more to it and I may have neglected my relationship with dh, but he is not that communicative about feelings and generally seems happy and in a good mood. I have told him that if he has a problem we need to discuss it before it becomes too much of an issue and he agrees about this. He feels that we do not really "connect" anymore and need to work on this. But I think he has made the incorrect assumption that our problems are due to my reltionship with DM, but then I'm not sure if I can be objective about this.

I am very close to DM, probably more than is "normal", but she is having a few problems at the moment (family issues) and is feeling very down so I just want to do what I can for her. I'm not sure if the GP could help. There are things she needs to deal with with family but she doesn't really know how to - she is very meek and I keep trying to encourage her to see the positives in her life. She has had a difficult life and I just don't want her to have a difficult time now.

Thanks for replying, there is no-one I can talk to about this.

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hercules · 31/12/2005 09:34

I have to say that if my dh were on the phone to his mum 3 or 4 times a day and then also in the evening I would be unhappy. Perhaps it would be better for you to encourage your mum to develop a life separate from you which would be really good for her as well.
I speak to my mum every day as she lives alone but she has a good social life too.

IT wont affect her relationship with your ds as most grandparents dont speak this often anyway with their grandchildren.

jac34 · 31/12/2005 09:44

I think your DH is right 3 or 4 times a day is alot.It drives me(& DH) nuts,if my Mum knows I'm home and rings every day.I can't understand why she rings as most of the time she has nothing to say.
How long has this been going on??? If it's a long time then I'm suprised DH hasn't said something sooner. Your lucky, mine would have left already

isthisfair · 31/12/2005 09:50

Yes I know it does seem a lot, but OTOH we spend a lot of time with dh's mum and I bend over backwards for his family. And I know that if his mum was having problems he would move her in with us straightaway.

I do see his point but now I have this feeling that I can't call her whenever I want to and I hate to think of her wanting to call but feeling like she shouldn't. She is very set in her ways but is slowly developing more of a life of her own. She is also terrible at standing up for herself so I do worry.

I suppose I just feel very sad about this, like in some way a part of my relationship with DM has ended.

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hercules · 31/12/2005 09:51

But it is healthier for you and your mum to have lives of your own and slowly your mum needs to realise this that you have your own family now and she needs to not be solely dependant on you.

PantomimEDAMe · 31/12/2005 09:57

How often is your dh around when you phone your mum? Three or four times a day is a lot, but some of the time dh must be out of the house... could you call your mum while he's at work? (Obviously not if you both work outside the home for the same hours.)

I'm very close to my mother but only speak to her three or four times a week max (and some weeks it may be much less or even not at all). Funnily enough, when I fell out with my mother, dh and I did talk more because I was having conversations with him I'd normally have with her IYSWIM. Hadn't occurred to me I was tellling her everything that was going on in my life and my head and not necessarily telling dh. Now I try to remember to tell dh as well and it does help.

isthisfair · 31/12/2005 10:23

Most of our conversations are while dh is at work but there is usually one evening one when he is back. I suppose you are right PantomimEDAMe in that I depend on her a lot too and tell her stuff, but this is mainly because dh doesn't seem that interested in the day-to-day affairs and as there isn't much happening in DM's life she is interested in every little detail of my life and vice versa.

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