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Original poster

What should I do?

12 replies

Bohica · 05/11/2011 12:48

About 7 years ago I believe my DH had an EA at the very least. I kind of ignored it because of the children but recently it has been in my mind again due to something that was said at work.

I spoke to DH about it over the last few nights and last night he admitted to "having flirty texts with a work collegue" but said they never met outside of work and he swore that he has never been physically unfaithfull.

Our relationship now is ok and we both work full time and look after the children and although we are ok there is a part of me that wants to push this further as I want to know more about what happened but do I really?

Sorry its a bit rushed, I hate to drip feed but the children are all here and I'm feeling quite low, should I just leave it and carry on or push for answers I don't know what I will do with even if I get them?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bohica · 05/11/2011 13:54

Bump

OP posts:
DutchOma · 05/11/2011 13:56

Seven years ago? Drop it, quick and never look at it again.

madonnawhore · 05/11/2011 14:03

Are you worried it's still going on or do you just feel like you need to know all the details in order to move on properly?

To be honest, even if you asked him, he'd probably lie anyway. So you need to find a way to put this behind you (assuming you want to).

Would counselling help? Would he go with you?

madonnawhore · 05/11/2011 14:05

I mean, if it was seven years ago, he'd probably lie to spare you any gory details (if there are any) to save having to rake up a load of grief for both of you since it was so long ago.

I didn't mean he was a liar full stop. IYSWIM.

Original poster
Bohica · 05/11/2011 14:16

I'm not worried it's still going on at all, the complete opposite in fact. We are probably happier now than ever before but I do feel like I need the details, I want him to admit that what I suspected is true.

7 years is a long time and I wish it hadn't all been brought up again but thats another point. If it has all come up again now with no resolve it will still be there in another 7 years.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 05/11/2011 14:22

There's a strong argument for letting sleeping dogs lie, if you guys are happy now.

But, the fact is that you need to know. And it's eating away inside.

I think the only thing you can do is talk to him really. Tell him you need him to be completely honest about everything. And then maybe book some counselling because I bet there'll be a lot of crap that floats to the surface once you've had that conversation.

To be fair though, he was the one that put your relationship in this position so I feel like you have the right to keep dealing with it however you need to, and he'll just have to accept that.

Original poster
Bohica · 05/11/2011 14:41

It's all so yuck.

I should have dealt with it at the time but I chose to ignore it so I shouldn't really rake it all up especially as we seem to be good now.

He said he would never do it now and we were going through a hard time when the children were small, it's all such lame excuses.

OP posts:
suzig · 05/11/2011 19:06

what was said, that has brought it all up again?

Fairenuff · 05/11/2011 19:09

I should have dealt with it at the time but I chose to ignore it so I shouldn't really rake it all up

It sounds like you have been able to forgive but not forget.

You have supressed your feelings in order to ignore what happened because you weren't ready to deal with it at the time. You probably need to work through those emotions now you are able to face them.

This would be best done with the aid of a counsellor to make sure you are properly 'heard', that your feelings are validated. It quite possibly will be painful but ultimately you should feel that you have dealt with it and can move on.

Original poster
Bohica · 05/11/2011 21:32

I've recently returned to work and had a lovely long chat with a lady whilst we were travelling for hours to a course, well she talked and I listened to her tell me all the catch up past gossip and she said about collegues spending so much time togeather and staff not having enough family time which the inevitable ends up happening and that's what brought it all wooshing back into my mind.

I really don't want to drag it all up again but I can't forget it so I am now dragging it around in my head.

OP posts:
suzig · 05/11/2011 21:52

If you cant forget it, its needs to all come out.

Did your colleague actually tell your something about your DH? Was it a one off or do you think its happened more?

Can you speak to your DH and tell him how you feel?

RandomMess · 05/11/2011 21:55

Perhaps you could focus on what DH felt was missing between the two of you at that time that he wanted an EA.

Not sure if I've explained that very well.

More ask him why it ended and why he's happier with you now?

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