Stuck on the same issue

[thereinmadnesslies]

DH works full time as a teacher, and also coaches sport. He has two coaching jobs at the moment, one which is one evening a week plus a match at the weekend. The other is one weekend per month (staying away the whole weekend) plus 5 or 6 longer camps of between 3-7 days.

We have two DCs aged 2 & 5.

I can't get over my resentment and anger at DHs commitments. He's permanently stressed at the workload from his full time job, and then while he loves and enjoys the coaching, it takes up a lot of time. I hate having to rearrange my life around his sport. I hate the assumption that I have nothing else in my life than to look after the DCs ( I work 3.5 days per week too). I hate not being able to plan, eg the dates for a tournament next July haven't been finalised so we can't book a holiday. I can't commit to a regular evening activity because school meeting are never on the same night. I have to use annual leave to cover his trips away.

We've just got stuck on the issue. We argue about it constantly. DH wants to keep doing sport, he says he loves it ( way more than
the day job) and it also pays ( but not loads). It gets to the point where I wonder if we are over.

I understand that he can't just quit - one coaching job is a two yr contract ending July 2013, the other the season runs until April. I can live with him doing it, but he wants me to be enthusiastic about it. I'm fed up of living with his stress levels - he's unwilling to make changes and I feel like the stress affects me and the DCs.

I feel like the arguments are going round in circles. Any suggestions for how to move on from this?

Thanks for reading

Everybody needs an outlet outside of work an family in order to be able to function, cant you get your own outlet

Fabby: she can't get her own outlet because this man has taken all the available leisure time in the family for himself.
OP this must be a miserable way to live - with a man who basically considers himself the person in the relationship, the one whose needs must be met, and you the service appliance.
What I would suggest is doing a little research and finding out what you would be entitled to in the way of benefits/maintenance if you end the marriage, and then when you have all the facts, sit him down and tell him that you are seriously considering leaving him because of his selfishness. Can he not give up one of the coaching jobs, so that there is some leisure time available for you?

I love the description 'service appliance', that's definitely how I feel. DH's argument is that he's always done sport so he shouldn't have to stop. He did cut down when the DCs were small.

Normally there are at least two evenings a week when he is home. But it's rarely the same two nights. I definitely need me time Fabby, but where I struggle is that I can't commit to a regular class or group. And because he has vast amounts of school prep in the evening I do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, shopping etc. And when he's free on a Sunday we feel we should go out as a family.

SFVB - threatening to leave feels a step too far, although I'm starting to wonder. I suspect I would have even less support than at present, and we don't have local family.

Is it possible to change my head so I accept the situation and just get on with it?

So he's basically telling you to suck it up, that he matters more than you? That is the message he's giving, I'm afraid. I appreciate that threatening to leave feels a bit drastic, but it's always a good idea to have the information about what would happen at your fingertips.

Not that this is the central issue at all, but his school should have a 'meetings night' so that teachers can plan to have lives. It's in the Blue book. Does your DH have a Union rep at work?

Could you manage without the money? Is it any better during the holidays?

He's being massively selfish, OP. He needs to change, not you.

If you suck it up and let him carry on you'll be signing the death warrant for your marriage.

You won't be happy by letting him do whatever he wants while you never get to do what you want. Nor should anyone in an 'equal' partnership have to live like that. It's not fair.

I don't think you can do anything but tell him straight that it's not fucking on.

So, not only does he want to hog all the free leisure time in the family for himself, he also wants you to be enthusiastic about it?

DH's argument is that he's always done sport so he shouldn't have to stop.

But he wasn't always a parent of young children. Whilst he is, he has other responsibilities that take priority over his leisure time.

I think there may be things you could do to create some me time that might be a bit more flexible, but it's likely to be solo stuff (gym/swim, online book club, Open University type thing) and it sounds like what you really need is some relaxing human contact - and who can blame you for that.

Half of me thinks you should simply tell him "I've started a class on Mondays at 8pm". He will no doubt look at you like: 'well who the hell is going to have the kids whilst you do that?'. Answer: your problem. You do your hobbies without considering the childcare implications, now so do I.

Bear in mind, you say you would have less support if you split, but unless he intends to be a deadbeat dad, you would be having (say) every other weekend to yourself whilst he has the kids himself.

Alternatively, can you up your hours so he could go part-time? With all the other home duties you pick up on top of your job shifting in his direction as well of course.

I would book one evening a week when you do what you want to do, whether that's an evening class, or regular dinner out with friends.

Book a babysitter and arrange for him to pay for the sitter.

I also think that you should book your regular weekly class and tell him that if he is not able to babysit he needs to make childcare arrangements.

The main issue though is that he is not considering your needs, the needs of the family or any kind of compromise.

He should also do his share of the housework.

You need to find a way to make him realise his behaviour is selfish and unacceptable. I think relate would be good for this. Would he be shocked if you suggested an appointment? I bet he doesn't realise how unhappy this is making you.

The only way he can arrange his leisure time to his convenience is if he is single. If that's what he wants, it can be arranged.

I would definitely put my foot down on this issue.

Well if I were in your situation I would look at changing when I took my leisure time.

Your DH is a teacher, so presumably when he is on school holidays you could use the 1.5 days a week that you're not working to do things that you want to do. Maybe one or two of those could be tacked onto a weekend when he's not away and you could go away for a long w/e to a spa/catch up with friends/family etc.

You would have to negotiate proper terms for this I.e. When you're having your leisure time he has to do the washing, hoovering, dinner making, tidying up etc (as I'm presuming you do when he's not around) as well as childcare.

Also if your youngest is 2 its not that long until they'll be getting their free nursery/pre-school place, and then you should make sure some of that is when you're not working so again you get free time.

It's not ideal, but perhaps it's the compromise you're looking for?

One of my cousins got divorced over precisely this issue and is now much happier remarried to someone else who spends time with the kids - I guess the fact the phrase 'sports widow' exists means that it can't be that uncommon. I really feel for you - the hours away take the absolute mickey with such young children.

I think that Relate counselling is really sensible before this becomes a complete deal breaker. I also feel that the onus is on him to find better ways to work his passion into his life in a way that has less impact on you.

He's obviously an intelligent person, and at the very least if he wants to spend such a lot of time coaching, he should change his working patterns - after all, you say he doesn't exactly love his day job.

Can he change his teaching job to one with less school prep? Is there anything he could do to get a job where he earns as much money for less hours, leaving a fairer amount of time free for you? My own OH used to be a full time musician, but career changed into an area of finance which allows him to earn well for condensed hours, so there is time for his creative interest, plus being a family man. He knows loads of people in his situation who've made very similar moves.

I think these are all reasonable things that many people with a reigning passion do to make family life balance with it.

Babysitters so you can get out and do stuff.
Crazyheads suggestion of him maybe looking at alternative working patterns for him/you seems like a good idea.
The people saying leave are probably not lone parents. Don't kid yourself that single parenthood is necessarily a better deal. Easy to underestimate his contribution and if you split there are no guarantees that you won't end up doing it all ALL the time, with ZERO support and you have to be the main breadwinner to boot.