Making joint decisions - do you?

[realhousewife]

We are not married, have no Will, no plans for retirement, future life plans. My DP makes no plans about anything and when he does (like what he wants to do today), doesn't tell me about them. I organise all the holidays, make all the school decisions, medical decisions, our choice of house when we moved.

I feel as though I am pushing him into joint decision making against his will, resulting in him making half agreements (a kind of OK-while-walking-out-of-the-room). This invariably ends up with confusion and resentment when things go wrong. Is he deliberately setting this conflict/failure up?

Things have always been like this and we are close to separating but in counselling. But I just want to get a feel for how many other women out there feel like single parents because they have to run the whole show and take all the flak for when it goes wrong - or when it doesn't happen at all.

Another row this morning has resulted in me going back to bed to get advice from complete strangers that I seem to get more sense out of than my DP.

Because I am mainly a sahm - (work 1/2 days a month) I am home more so tend to do the leg work on looking into big stuff and then we sit down and talk it through together to reach a decision.

That's normal right?

I wish it was like that for me. All I want is for him to hear me out and then agree or come up with a constructive alternative. I get passive aggression every time - 'just get on with it' 'what are you asking me for?' 'don't come back to me about it if it all goes wrong'.

Pillock.

I'd say I make more of the plans than my partner, but we do always discuss it and go back and forth until we reach an agreement. We're pretty civil doing it as neither of us wants the other to be unhappy. But it is usually me that brings things up and sparks the initial idea.

Your partner sounds as if he doesn't like taking responsibility for these decisions because then he'll be accountable. It's nicer for him to have things arranged for him, but when something happens that he doesn't like he has no idea how to communicate properly about it and would rather be passive aggressive and sulk. Does he come up with alternative suggestions or ideas, or does he just get upset? What does he say when you invite him to make some of the decisions/ come up with solutions?

Tbh it doesn't sound like you are really in a relationship.

I'm a SAHM, so I run the house and I manage all our finances. But DH and I talk all the time about our plans, hopes, needs and wants. We are in the process of sorting out our wills again, applying for planning permission and planning a couple of holidays, as well as looking at schools for DS1.
I am doing most of the legwork and organising simply because I have the time to, but DH and I talk about things all the time and I wouldn't just go ahead and organise anything without discussing it with him first, and vice versa.
When he isn't at work he also spends time dealing with these types of things.

Wardrobe no he doesn't come up with alternatives and when it's about somehting like christmas presents he decides what he wants to get dcs with no discussion and if I disagree or come up with an alternative he rants until he gets his way. For a long time I have disengaged from this and let him get on with it, but we are now facing some big decisions and he has no intention of talking about them (money windfall, house move).

Ali can I have your relationship please? Or just a bit of it? I agree that teamwork is everything and that's what I want but am seriously doubting whether it's reasonable. We got together when we were very young and decisions weren't important - we got used to drifting without there being many consequences.

I'm that close to leaving him, he knows this, but despite counselling just refuses to accept. He's just brought me some toast in bed. Now I feel like Queen Sulkybitch!

Passive aggressive sounds about right.

From what you say about him telling you to 'just get on with it' & 'what're you asking me for', it sounds like the next sentence would be 'you'll just do what you want anyway'. And that he resents you making the decisions, yet his own inertia stops him from suggesting/planning himself. Which leaves you to do it and resent him for not stepping up. Hmm.

Hmm, we have fairly strict demarcation of roles, so I was always the one who made decisions about the kids' nurseries for example when they were small, but dh looked round the secondary school options. I decide pretty much all domestic stuff as his attitude is that if I'm happy, he's happy.

He makes major investment decisions because I just glaze over when he starts talking about deeply dull investment bonds etc.

We make joint decisions about fun stuff like where to go on holiday.

It works for us

Nice balance mumblechum. Of course there are decisions I'm perfectly happy to make and it would be silly to expect to make all of them jointly. But without the longer term ones made, it's hard to make short term plans.

Essentially, I'd just like to be able to make plans the same as you do with everyone else - at work, or socially. What shall we do? Do that? No? OK, how about this? OK, see you then? etc etc. Not rocket science.

But with him it's more along the lines of 'Mr Real...' Hello, Mr R, What shall we do about this? . Later... (repeat above several times). About this... I was thinking we could.... what do you think? "MrsReal why do you just keep on and on about this? I've just got up/gone to bed/eating supper/in from work..."

Fecking lone wolf. Arrrgh!

buzz you've got it down to a tee. He doesn't want responsibility even to the Enth degree.

Eg, in town wanting to stop for a bite. End up walking for miles and miles until it's way past lunchtime and kids are grotty, until he finds a place HE feels comfortable in. Or parking spaces. 'Oh, there's one...and another...and another'. Long, long ago, I completely gave up on even an input into this, despite him asking every time "where shall we park".

I know I'm not the only one...

I think I would crown him with a shovel, tbh.

My XH was like this. He sees it as easy-going, I see it as highly irritating.

Plus, it was setting me up for the blame when things didn't go exactly how he wanted them.

The Upgrade, he knows what side his bed is buttered he does what he's told (but he's not a DP or anything yet lmao)

I was just trying to think about how we make decisions as a couple, trying to think of a recent one, which would be sending dd to secondary.

Me & dd looked round the options, he came to some when he could (work). I ruled out a couple, he ruled out a couple I was entertaining but were very impractical to get to (I was optimistically thinking "we'll manage somehow", he had more sense ). That left two which seemed interchangeable to me, and we went with the one he had a better gut feeling about (and dd too, she did have a say ).

Best advice I've heard so far from buzz .

fluffy the counsellor has seen what's going on and he uses her advice against me every week (in an angry voice, as he's walking away from me) 'well I could accuse you of that too you know'. After the session, mind, not in front of a witness where it could be seen as any kind of evidence of him being a twat with a capital T.

It's not me being over-demanding is it.

That's not a question btw.

fluffy his bread hasn't been 'buttered' for months now. I can't stand him to be near me. He's not an evil bastard or anything, but years of bullshit has made me recoil from his physical presence.

Realhousewife - that is exactly how I felt with my XH (and still do)

And no it's not you {{hugs}}

OP - it's not you. My XH was just like this. He never engaged in any discussion, but would criticise or make snide remarks when it was way too late to change a decision, decisions that I was forced to make because he just wouldn't. He refused to oganise anything or plan more than a week ahead. He was, however, very able to get into debt and have affairs without my assistance or knowledge, so clearly all the passive twatishness was a choice and a manipulation. I'm not suggesting your DP is doing either of those things, but is be he able organise the things he wants? It is very hard to live with this, and tbh he needs to grow up or things will never change. You're his partner, not his mum.

Oh and to look at a decision we made together - sending DD1 to secondary.

I'm in Northern Ireland so there's a test and grammar schools.

DD1 did OK in the test, able for a grammar, she wanted to go to school A which was an all-girls school and the counterpart to the all-boys school that DS1 and DS2 went to. School B was closer and a co-ed grammar.

I took DD1 to both schools. He was "too busy" to come. DD1 and I both liked the feel of school A better and I felt it would be a better "fit" for her.

I tried to talk to him, he kept insisting there was nothing to discuss.

Come the day we had to go for the meeting with the primary head to fill in the form......

Primary head is of the opinion that she should get into school B ok but is a shoe in and a guaranteed place at school A. Both are grammar schools and academically just as good as each other so her advice is that if that's where DD1 wants to go then it should be preference 1 on the form.

XH is totally not on for this at all. He wants School B first on the form. Basically, meeting goes on for an hour and a half (no joke) - he gets totally stroppy and insists that his parental rights have to be respected and he wants her to go to school B.

To cut a long story very short, he bullied, bulldozed and pressured me until I gave in and agreed to put school B first on the form (I wouldn't do it now though). When it came to signing the form, I had to sign as I am the parent with care.

He stomped out stating that there was no point of him being there then because I could just put whatever I liked on the form there was no input from him and it was pointless.

I put school B first anyway, and the headmistress said "I think after that we need a cuppa"

She has gone to school B and is happy and settled and so far so good but the whole experience, as usual with my XH was much much more stressful than it needed to be.

Did I read it right, OP, that there's a windfall at the moment?

If so, I'd use it to move away from him.

I couldn't put up with that sort of behaviour and if he's also repulsive (to you) sexually, all the more reason to go.

You could have a lovely life without him, you know!

I think what you are describing is a symptom of a relationship that has run its course.

OP: I think this thread is showing that there are lots of different models for decision making - each taking charge of one area, or constant discussion, or one person doing the research and checking with the other. But the key point is that both partners have to be happy with it. If you're unhappy about the way you make decisions together, and he's refusing to listen, then there's something seriously wrong.

Once you've made the decisions, does he use that to blame you if things go wrong?

To be honest it's hard to make a decision with someone who refuses to communicate with you. He seems like he has taken every opportunity to not commit to you and I'd worry about that.

Oh and my dp and I decide together. I do the leg work- he address the options and then rules out no go's. Then he goes with either my or his gut feeling

Sounds like my controlling ex. There was no point even trying to discuss long-term plans because he refused to commit to anything.
With short-term ones, either he pretended to be laid-back, easygoing etc (ie he couldn't care less, though he reserved the right to throw a fit if he changed his mind later) or it had to be his way. No discussion, no compromise. He once threatened to pack his bags and leave if I didn't put a table where he had decreed it must go. He meant it, too.