Ever get the feeling your friend doesn't really want to know?

[bananatrifle]

You know the feeling - unanswered texts, avoidance tactics. It's been going on for quite a while and I know that most of it is down to her emotional situation, but to be honest, it's been like it for years and while I've been there as much as I can for her, for years and years, through all the traumas and tears and upsets, she's now at the stage where she doesn't really want to give me any time and makes excuses not to do anything with me, and basically I think I've had enough.

She is depressed and has been dealt an awful hand over several years (by a man) but the final end of it was over a year ago, and while she can't move on from him (emotionally - physically he's moved on from her) I can't keep being her emotional crutch. Not at the moment anyway. Maybe she doesn't want me to be. Time to let go I think.

Have you tried explaining to your friend that you miss her? I had the same trouble.. & to be honest my fried was so wrapped up in herself to realise. If she is having a hard time...it can be hard to see the life outside of her situation. Hope you resolve things.

We have been here before, and I did email her (I find it easier to write things down than try to say them, and wanted it to be clear what I was trying to say) saying just that - I missed her and wasn't sure if I'd done something to upset her. This was quite a few months ago and she was horrified at how her actions were making me feel at the time. But since then more time has gone on and she's reverted again (this is a pattern). I'm not sure I want to keep going, really. We've been the closest of friends for years but over the last few years, she's definitely become more irritated (that's the best way of describing it really) with me, but tries to hide it - sometimes not succeeding.

I emailed her again this morning. It was just saying the same thing really. I don't seem to be able to get near her to talk properly, so just put how I was feeling in writing. I wait to hear back.

Maybe she doesn't feel so strong a need as you do, is she initiating any contact? If she constantly calls you to moan about her life but won't help you in a similar way, then that's selfish and unfair.

If she never calls you though, then perhaps she doesn't really have the energy to focus on a friendship with anyone at the moment, and while she probably appreciates your concern when you make contact perhaps she doesn't find it easy to cope with the demands of a friendship - even just replying to texts and so on can be really hard if you're absorbed in yourself, or depressed which maybe she is.

I wouldn't take it personally...having been on the other side of a friendship a bit like this, well, being called and so on by a very well meaning friend, who seemed hurt when I couldn't find the energy to reciprocate - basically, I didn't need her in that way, preferred to keep my head down and work things out myself, while being very much alone and self absorbed.

I probably can't describe myself as a friendly person at that time - well, superficially I was alwayts lovely - but I didn't want people to ring me up or get close. I knew I had nothing to offer in return iyswim.

Sorry, I don't want to say the wrong thing or be harsh but is it possible that she just doesn't need a good friend at the moment?

I think you're right and this is the conclusion I'm coming to too. I just don't want her to feel alone (not many people know of everything she's been through over the last few years - different people know different things) and she does isolate herself. I think I am trying too hard to do what I can to make sure she's ok (or as ok as she can be) and always try to include her in things so she doesn't spend all weekend by herself etc.

I will back off and see what happens. I do feel sad though.

Well you will do and you are a wonderful friend just by knowing her situation and wanting to help.

It's not a reflection on you that she might not need someone in that role at present. You sound great

and I forgot to say that even when I didn't want to be called, or to talk or do anything with my friend, the knowledge that she was there for me if and when I might need her was something very important to me, and however irritated she might have thought I was with her, it was never her fault - and I needed her to know stuff, and to just be around, somewhere on the peripheries.

Your role is still probably vital. but it might be a sort of 'silent' one iyswim?

Yes I do see what you mean. Thanks for the advice. There is a point when you have to step back really - I have lots going on in my life too (some good, some not so good) and I think I need to let some things go.

I hope she'll come back - we did have some cracking times together.

Thanks

Could you send her a nice card, saying something like "I hope you're managing OK. Don't want to keep getting in your face while you're working things out, but just to let you know I'm always happy to hear from you"?

Then just send her a Christmas card and keep her on your joke list.

The trouble is the "working things out" has gone on now for 6 years. She's definitely stuck in a place and I'm not sure she wants to get out of it - I think this is her comfort zone. I think she's frightened of living again. It's just really sad.

Hi, you do sound like a great and caring friend but I would NOT get in contact again:

a) because you have done all you can and she has not responded, stop giving thought and energy to this and concentrate on your own life

b) maybe she feels bombarded by you - you have already sent one email, only a few months ago, explaining that you felt neglected. If you send another it does seem OTT and pushy. Even though she is self absorbed and hurtful, she does not need to be harangued by you over this - I mean that in the nicest way. Maybe for her own reasons she doesn't want you in her life anymore and doesn't know how to say it.

The trouble is the "working things out" has gone on now for 6 years. She's definitely stuck

You know, Banana, this is what I'm afraid my friends will think. It's why I'm scared to get in touch.

:(

Are you someone who tends to offer 'advice'? I know I am. The trouble is, if someone is engaged in unhelpful behaviour and they are not ready to move on from it, they dont want to hear it. If you offer that, she may want to avoid you. My sister is a bit like that with me- she wants to see me if it is all fun, fun, fun, and she is happy to try and pass me her issues if she can, but I should be better at passing them back and not telling her that she needs to do this or that- she knows it already and doesnt want to.

Its a bit like giving up smoking too- you might want to, you might worry about it- but you dont want your friends and family to tell you all the time about why you should or how to do it.

Sorry to hear that garlic, it sounds like you're struggling too? I hope you're ok.

five I get what your saying, but no, I don't give 'advice' when it's not asked for - I keep things on a level, but obviously will talk if she wants that. I've enough of my own stuff to be going on with, and don't make a habit of seeking victims out to give them the benefit of my wisdom :)

proud I get what you're saying too. We actually see each other every day (at work) and sometimes it's ok, but then I just get the cold shoulder other times and I'm tired of trying to keep up with it and working out how I should approach her on any given day.

I think the main thought here is that I should back off, and that is what I'm going to do. I'll just keep things on a polite professional basis.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

We've had some communication today and I've let her know that I'm going to back off and I'm not going to put pressure on her by expecting her to do stuff socially, but that I'm here if she needs me.

Still feel very sad, but I think it's the best way forward for now.

Thanks for advice everyone.