Is this any different to watching porn?

[QuestionTime]

Hi all
Guess I will prob get slated but wanted some opinions. My hubs and I have an ok sex life - nothing to set the world on fire but usually 2/3 times a week.
He works from home and I know that he watches porn most days. It really upsets me and I have asked him many times not too but he refuses to stop. I've given up asking now as it just causes too many arguments.
About 2 months ago a colleague of mine moved to China, and after he went we started flirting. This built up and now probably once a week we have a session of naughty texting where we talk about what we would like to do to each other. It turns me on loads and usually ends up with me grabbing hubs for a shag after. This chap will not be coming back for two years, and even if he did I would never ever cheat on my hubs. He feels the same. It's just a bit of fun.
My question is, is this really dreadful of me? I don't see it as any different to what hubs continues to do.

This is worse than porn. Porn, to me, is not engaging directly with other women. It's fairly empty. However what you're doing - well sorry but that's an affair to me.

You know he watches porn; does he know that you're having inappropriate text conversations?

Yes I'd consider this an affair too. Sorry.

Tend to agree with Iggly. Both are a kind of "virtual" non-contact sex. But the difference is that with porn there isn't an actual other person consciously involved, only the image of a person who has no idea that you even exist. With what you are doing there is another person with whom you are interacting, and they are interacting back.

I'm not going to condemn you and it may well be that you enjoy this while bloke is away and then it fizzles out to nothing and that's that. However I think one reason for seeing the two things differently is that in your case, there would appear to be a more direct link to a an actual, contact-sex affair in the future. Your H is never going to meet any of the pornstars he watches; you have already met yours and will probably meet him again, so who knows what that will lead to?

But it's interesting you're so adamant you would "never ever" cheat on your H. You're perfectly capable of drawing a line between something that is pure (virtual) sex and your marriage, and not seeing the one as impacting upon the other. It would seem to me maybe the most constructive thing you could do with the experience is use it to understand that your H is probably exactly the same about porn, and not get sucked into all the assumption and hyperbole about what it supposedly "means".

Sex is a wierd business and has little to do with the boxes we try to keep it in.

In my eyes you are cheating on your other half.
He is up front about watching the porn , but your actions are in secret

How would you feel if he was having text-sex with a 'real' person instead of watching porn? both are a bit grubby, but I'd prefer the porn tbh.

Come on how can you not realise what you are doing is bang out of order unless this is a wind up. So much worse than porn

Both are pathetically immature. and showing a massive lack of respect for each other.

I don't think there is any point in trying to compare the two.

You've told your DH that you are unhappy with his consumption of porn, yet he continues to use it. He is not showing you respect by continuing to do something he knows is very hurtful to you.

You are engaging in "virtual sex" with another person and your DH doesn't know about this. It is quite likely he wouldn't be very happy about that. That is not showing him respect.

Might it be that you have embarked on this virtual sex thing as a reaction to his continued use of porn despite your unhappiness with it? Even if it is, it's still not a noble or respectful way to respond to his behaviour, which you don't find to be noble or respectful.

Virtual sex type things rarely continue in a happy vein without negative consequences, at least from what I know if them. It's your call, but I wouldn't suggest continuing to pursue this.

With regard to the porn, if it is something that you find hurtful, he either needs to acknowledge that and stop trying to cut you off, or you need to consider whether his lack of care for your feelings is indicative of something else "not working" fundamentally in your relationship, and do something about that.

You are having an emotional affair totally different scenario to porn, you are using your texts to turn you on enough to shag your husband, that is so much worse than porn. Sorry it is.

Calling your husband HUBS is definitely worse than watching porn

Yes, its worse.
Why don't you sex text your husband instead?

WTF do you think you are doing woman? FFS, pack it in NOW.

the naughty texting differs in several ways from watching porn, naughty texting can be fun...but sometimes it just makes me cringe.
Calling him 'hubbs' is far more cringe inducing tho

you go girl, fill your boots!

TBH if text flirting was available to me i'd do it for a bit of fun for a while!

My DH uses porn every day, sometimes to the extent it impinges upon normal activities and unpleasant elements sometimes crop up when were having sex.

I've given up arguing about it as otherwise hes lovely.

I find it upsetting and hugely disrespectful as basically hes lusting after someone else, to my mind whats the difference between that and a bit of texting?

You both sound awful tbh.

and I agree with cyb re the hubs.

He is a nincompoop for watching porn. You are a nincompoop for sexting someone.

I really don't see any point in having a points system of who is behaving more badly and letting down the relationship more badly. Mature relationships don't keep tally of how many points each partner earns - plus 4 for taking out the bins, minus 10 for watching porn, etc.

You're both betraying your relationship. It doesn't matter which one is worse, you can't set up a scoring system and hope you get fewer points deducted for your infringement.

You need to stop doing this and to decide whether you want to live with a skank who spends his time wanking when he should be working.

Totally, I'm not suggesting that you shouldnt feel unhappy about your DH's porn watching but I dont really see porn as lusting after someone else.
I think there is a good case for putting porn in the same category as vibrators & sex toys.

wanking when you should be working, hehe, I do that all the time..am I a bad person?
What about fantasising about sex with other people Eleanor? is that 'betraying your relationship'?

No I don't think it is.

I do think porn use is because we know how problematic it is.

We know that it gives a misogynist and negative view of women.

We know that men who use it a lot, want to try some of the stuff they see in porn on the real women they sleep with in RL, who may not be willing to do that stuff.

We know that men who are regular porn users, often lose interest in real life sex and are often really shit lovers - the OP has indicated that their sex life is not brilliant "nothing to set the world on fire"

We know that the women in the porn industry are overwhelmingly victims of rape and sexual abuse and that 70% who leave the industry, suffer from PTSD, a rate comparable to that of torture victims, fire brigade personnel, army personnel, police officers, etc.

And the OP has made it clear she hates it. And the OP's DH, has made it clear, that he doesn't give a shit if she hates it and he will unilaterally carry on doing something he knows upsets her and if she raises it as an issue it ends in an argument, so it has become an elephant in the room in their relationship.

And having elephants in the room, is a betrayal of a relationship. You can't do that and have a healthy relationship IMO.

I don't approve at all of what the OP is doing. But frankly, I don't think she's doing any more harm to her relationship, than her DH is. They are not communicating and not showing each other respect, as someone pointed out earlier on.

That's a betrayal of their relationship on both sides.

Nice to know so many of you are in happy, fully monogamous relationships and never flirt or think about other people.

I'm going to go against the grain and say that neither of them is actually having an affair, and there is a long way to go from texting to actually sleeping with someone else. And the couple still have a sex life, too.

Monogamy is really hard work. In other centuries marriages were for practical reasons, and romance was always had elsewhere.

If this couple can still manage to stay together, keep their families together, keep the kids happy, then why is it so wrong to have fantasies, as long as those fantasies are not acted upon, don't lead to a marriage break up or misery for the children?

That sounds like denial to me.

And I would ask what's so great about monogamy, if it's people who retreat into fantasies rather than wanting to communicate with each other?

wow Elanor, I never knew it was all so black and white with porn, I mean we 100% KNOW all those things that you say we know.

Well yes, we do know.

There is loads of research out there which tells us this.

I think that part of what is happening here is resentment that he uses porn and continues to use it, and perhaps the feeling he makes more effort for it. What I mean us that he's willing to put up with the tension/elephant in the room, he spends the time viewing, enjoying it and indulging himself. You may feel he spends more time on that than he does with you.
I fully understand it, I have similar situation myself.
And I struggle with it.
And your texting is your alternative, it's where you get some attention, effort made towards you, and pleasure. The question is can you get that in your 'real life' relationship and will he match you in making that effort?
Not easy. Best of luck.

are you thick or on a windup ?