Why does knowing this hurt me so much?

[Bluebabypink]

A man I wanted to be with so much is now living with his gf and she is pregnant-I found this out about a month ago.having got my head around that today I find out that she also has a 16 year old son and they are all living together.
I don't want him but he told me he could never be with someone who had children already.it is hard to take in and Im finding myself feeling like shit.
Btw he was single when we met.
How can I stop this idiot affecting me like this?
Any help would be really appreciated.

Time helps. I had about a year long "relationship" with someone once, I loved him so much, but he just wouldn't commit, wanted to keep sleeping around, I compromised for a while and we had an "open" relationship but it was the fact he kept seeing his ex that killed it for me in the end. (I'll call him ex-bf)

So of course about a year later when I was with (now ex partner - XP) I hear through one of his friends that ex-bf was now back with this girl he'd been seeing at the same time as me, and they were expecting a baby. Oh, and he'd been messing her around like he had me, but as soon as she got pregnant he stepped up to the mark. That hurt. A lot. I didn't want to be with him any more (if I listened to the rational part of my brain) but inside there was this real feeling of that should have been me.

But you know, in time, and especially from the wisdom of lovely MNers on this board, I've come to realise that he wouldn't have changed into a perfect example of a man in those circumstances. He may have stopped messing around, but he wasn't going to fundamentally change who he was. And while he would have been a way better weekend-father than XP is, TBH I don't think I'd have been happy with him in the long term either. So it was for the best.

Also, a 16 year old is very different to having young children. So it may have been a situational thing. Although your man probably was trying to let you down gently by using the children as an excuse. Sorry :( Still, just because one person decides you're not right for them, doesn't mean you'll never find someone else who's even better!

This article is really good.

I can relate to so much of that Bertie,when I think rationally I don't want him,he has said and done so many hurtful things to me.This might sound stupid but no one has ever managed to have thus kind if hold over me.it's like he can turn the right words on and I'm falling for it again and again.
Some very hurtful things were said that I couldn't forgive him for,he apologised and said he regretted them.
I never contact him now,just receive an occasional txt but today he txt me and said he was glad I was ok and that maybe we could catch up one day,I said 'just friends yeah?'and he said yes.
After a few things were said he then said 'gotta go,missus boy is here'
When I questioned him he admitted it was gf son-I told him to fuck off and that I couldn't beleive it after everything hd had said.
I don't want to feel like it's an overreaction,but it feels like such a stab in the back but he just doesn't understand.
The whole feeling of'that should have been me' feels so raw doesn't it?even if you dont want them

Awwww love. He's not into you is he? I'm so sorry. xxx

I know he's not into me!I can deal with that though!
However he really was,I can identify a lot if red flags with his behaviour from reading threads on here,but I was very vulnerable when we met so I saw these as him being strong,protective,an alpha male I guess.
The pain I suppose is the insistence from him about never going near anyone with kids,and now he has done exactly that.
I know he was/is bad news,I was so in love with him though and he knows that.just uses it to his advantage I think

Yes it does feel raw. And FWIW from what you've said in your second/third posts I'd steer well clear of him - even as a friend. What are you getting from the friendship? Heartache it sounds. You may feel like you're over him, but you haven't really let go of him yet, have you? If you can't deal with hearing news like this, then I think you ought to cut contact completely. Stop replying to texts, ask him not to text you if you want. Take your finger off that facebook search button

He sounds quite controlling, or at the very least manipulative, which is almost universally bad news whether they are a friend or a romantic interest. He's still keeping you hanging on with the occasional text - why? If he really saw you as a friend he'd be in contact way more. Sorry to say I think he's most likely just keeping you on the backburner for an ego stroke and also just in case this relationship goes wrong.

It's also worth looking at how you are - you say that you "were" vulnerable when you met, but look at how you are reacting now - you didn't even have a relationship and you're upset now that he is with someone else doing the things you wanted to do with him. I'm not saying this is a bad thing (it's natural to be upset! :)) but the degree of how upset you are, and the fact you're still entertaining contact from him even though he was a dick to you, says to me that you still are very vulnerable and you could probably do with spending some time just working on your own self, your confidence and your self esteem. And don't get even nearly involved with anyone else until you do.

Read the article. And the linked articles. And the rest of the site. It's fantastic, it will change your life.

tbh it sounds like he's still stringing you along even though you're not together any more. It's no coincidence that you got together when you were 'very vulnerable' - some men are attracted to women who are fragile, all the better to control and mess them around. My bet is that if you had stayed with him your life would gradually descend into a living hell - but, easy for me to say, not so easy for you to see it (or maybe you do?)

iiwy I would cut contact with this man. he isn't doing you any good and it still sounds as though his hooks are in you - re the hooks he put in you when you were vulnerable. Some people are vile like that

Bertie-not got much time now,but read a bit of the first page of the article-wow,it describes the 'relationship' perfectly!
In every other part if my life,work etc I'm strong and successful,thus guy though can control me in ways I would never allow usually.
Springydaffs-yes,they are hooks,always pulling me towards him.not any more though.your post is certainly giving me a lot to think about.
Im not on Facebook,he will txt me absolutely guaranteed in a couple of weeks and act as if nothing had happened.

So what do you want to do about these sporadic texts?

Sorry I didn't reply to that last night I had a migraine and had to go to bed.
I guess I'm in two minds about the txts,whether I just ignore it when it comes,because it will,or tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck off.
Reading some more of the article makes me think ignoring will be better,I'm not giving him anything to try and 'hook me back' again.
To be honest the other issue with this all us that his gf is pregnant,the contact shouldn't even be there-I do realise that,and beleive me I haven't encouraged this.He has always contacted me first,I have told him how uncomfortable I was knowing she was pregnant while he txt me.even though I never txt anything I wouldn't feel she couldn't see if he showed her-congratulations on the baby etc nothing more than that really.
Still feel sick about it,I know it will pass,I don't want to let him control me like this any more.I want to be at a point where I don't even think about him-I dont get any enjoyment from our contact.
I have never met someone like this,my mum however was married to a very violent man(my real father,we have no contact) and she always told me he was unbelievably charming.I am not suggesting thus guy is violent but I can see the same controlling/persuasive characteristics.
Tha

Hey, there's nothing wrong with being friends with a guy whose GF is pregnant. I was more advising to cut this "friendship" because it seems toxic to you. (And not much of a friendship.)

I think you may have hit the nail on the head with your last sentence. He might not be violent, but he certainly sounds manipulative and controlling, which in a relationship could have developed into worse things. (As though they aren't bad enough on their own!) I think you had a lucky escape :)

Bertie-you are so right,it isn't a friendship,friends don't do this to each other.I think I felt uncomfortable with it as I knew he would start to say things that are far more than friends would do.
I have told him before not to contact me,few weeks go by and them he acts ad nothing has happened.
I was thinking of replying next time 'I think I made it clear that I no longer want any form of contact and explained why.please don't reply as I will be blocking your number as soon as I have sent this text'
As for a lucky escape I beleive that is correct as well-why won't my stupid heart let me think that ad well?Sometimes I think he has done a really good job on me

Babyblue I read your thread last night, sorry I didn't respond. I did feel for you though, its so shit feeling like this isn't it.

Here's my opinion tho fwiw.

He isn't a friend, he is an ex, and you still have feelings for him. leave it completely be. delete all texts and don't respond. He'll get the message. What is he doing texting you anyway when he has a new gf and she is pg???? leave it be. It will go away and much quicker if you cease it.

re the him getting with another woman so soon after you - I can't think of another way to say this so I'll be plain. Have you ever not really liked someone all that much, enough to say it was the love of your life?? Think back. Imagine if that person was as upset as you are now. It would strike you as wasteful and silly. You didn't hate him, you just weren't all that into him. That is what this man feels for you. Its not so bad. :( There are loads of lovely men out there.

I always follow an old phrase I read somewhere - if its a bad job, its better to make an end of it. Make an end of it. If in your heart you cannot see it going anywhere, let it be and start something new.

I must add that I don't like how he is still texting you tho. Does he not know how it is hurting you?? But whatever, you can be in control. Add nothing new to the mix, and the current mix will soon pass away.

This knob is hedging his bets. He's what you might call a 'harem keeper': he likes to have several women 'in love' with him, throwing each one a few crumbs from time to time to keep her hooked, so he can threaten whoever the Official Partner is with leaving her for one or more of the others, and if the Official Partner gets fed up and dumps him, he can move on to a different with minimum inconvenience to himself and never have to do his own housework.
You're well rid.

Thanks Saturdaysgirl- re the texting,I have deleted every one as well as his number,I will recognise it though when the next one comes,I don't want that to sound wrong but it's like he thinks a couple of weeks will give me time to calm down and then he can start up the contact again.
I agree with you in that he isn't a friend,absolutely not.I also am not comfortable with the initial contact after I found out about the gf,then the baby.he knows that he has hurt me as I have told him what it is doing to me,he did make a huge regretful apology that I stupidly believed but it is obvious now that it really didn't mean anything and was just a way to start trying to get back into friendly contact again.
I have told him that he has broken my heart before and that I can't beleive someone who once told me that he wanted me forever,wanted me to have his baby and told me I was all he ever wanted could hurt me so badly.he just doesn't care,but continues to contact me-I realise that by answering I have given him 'bait',can't think of any other way to say that.
SGVB-I have wondered about that kind of thing in the past,and did ask him before,he always denied it.but of course he would wouldn't he?
I think the 'crumbs' that you mention are also right,I have responded to the smallest thing before as in my head I wanted to beleive that if he didn't want me then he wouldn't contact me.now I do think that it was just to keep me in a place that he could go to if he needed an ego boost etc.the housework comment is also true-he lived with his parents right up until moving in with this woman,so no,has never had to do housework.
A friend told me this morning I'm worth more than this-I can't explain how I have let this man do this to me.

beleive me I haven't encouraged this

yes you have, you have answered his texts and engaged with him. If thats not encouraging I dont know what is

I havent encouraged anything,I responded to txt messages that would be completely acceptable for his gf to read.
Since when has engaging in a conversation with an ex been