Angry!! This is an attempt at bribery isn't it?

[SR09]

My husband of 33 years left me for another woman he met on a lads weekend. He left October 2010, after coming home covered in bites & bruises (inflicted in love!!) and went to her. I knew nothing until that day. I have posted before, and I am generally in a much better frame of mind than I was.

I'd describe the recovery stage I'm at as angry, but maybe beginning to accept what's happened.

My children see their Dad; my DD has 3 children, and he goes round to visit once a week, on his own. No one has met the OW who is his new partner. They have made it clear they don't want to.

I am on holiday at the mo, my DD needs a babysitter on Sat night (wedding party) and because of family circumstances there is no one available. I suggested to her to ask her Dad, which she did. I thought he could use all the brownie points he can muster. He said he had something on on Saturday, but would cancel and babysit but would bring someone with him (OW). She said, no thanks then.

I'm posting this to avoid emailing him an angry message, I am so cross that he is either using DD's request to try to get her to meet OW, or said this to avoid babysitting at all. I feel like I have tourettes - I keep muttering wanker!

He is, isn't he. If I unemotionally think what it would be like for my Grandchildren (10 m, 3 & 7 ) to be babysat by grandad and his new woman, they aren't going to understand or AIBU

Rant over

Hmm, I absolutely get why you're still angry, it'll take a while to come to terms with the breakdown of your marriage, whatever the catalyst, but tbh, if his new partner is going to be with him for a while, then eventually she will be bound to meet your family, it would be odd if she never met anyone and they're together long term.

I don't think there's an easy answer, but time does heal hurt feelings in these circumstances, but for you it may take a very long time.

It helped me calm down, posting. I still think he was being manipulative by trying to do this. Maybe they will have to meet her sometime, but at the moment they don't want to. To be honest, I think my DD will be the most amenable eventually. I just don't like his tactics. Oh dear :(

I totally understand how you feel. BUT, anyone may feel daunted babysitting for three very small children alone. I don't think its all that unreasonable of him to want to bring along someone to help.

They would be in bed asleep. I babysit on my own. It's not as if he doesnt see them, he's used to them, but I take your point. So I am being unreasonable, I guess. The reason a babysitter needs to be there is if one wakes up. Hopefully none would.

Keep thinking and chanting 'wanker', honey, but you're best advised to keep a dignified silence and avoid losing face by emailing him because this was a matter between your dd and her father and she's dealt with it.

However, given the ages of your dgcs, I doubt that they'd find it necessary to 'understand' if their grandad was babysitting them in the company of someone who he'd no doubt introduce as his 'friend' and, to that extent, you ABU by projecting your emotions onto small children who are, hopefully, blissfully unaware of 'adult' stuff such as the breakdown of their dgps' marriage.

As to whether he was trying to insert the thin end of the wedge in your daughter's unexpected need for a babysitter on Saturday night, that's a matter for conjecture. At moment I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and wait to see if he tries it again.

At the risk of sounding harsh OP, your dd is going to have to meet his new partner eventually.....and when all is said and done, none of this is actually any of your concern anyway.

You need to step back and not get involved emotionally, or in any other way.

You're right, hard though, isn't it

Yeah....but you'll need to find a way of detaching yourself.

I don't think he is bribing them. Many grandparents only babysit if the kids are at their house for the night, he is willing to go to his daughter's but babysitting is pretty boring as the kids are asleep so it isn't quality time and I'm not surprised he wants to bring his partner. I think adult children tend to be more reluctant to meet a father's new partner when he has left the relationship for someone else than a mother in the same situation.
I don't think it is your problem to get angry about though. By getting angry you may be making it harder for your kids to feel they can meet their father's partner without upsetting you as you still see all issues concerning him as your issues..
Most human exchanges involve someone doing something for someone else in return for something. That isn't bribery, that's society. Even when parents do things for young children they do things because making their children happy makes them happy, or to teach their children something about life.
If you expect another adult to do something for nothing then you are using that person. If my children were adults and hadn't met my partner of a year I wouldn't feel inclined to go out of my way for them as they were not behaving very lovingly to me.

I don't think it's bribery either by the way.

Thank you, everyone who gave a view. That's what makes posting so valuable, I get different reasoned and valid points, made me think & not just seethe

I guess you're going to seethe inwardly for a while yet OP...and who could blame you?
Just make sure it IS inwardly, or you'll simply be seen to be causing trouble.

((((OP))))

Your children have every right to choose whether they let OW into theirs and their childrens' lives. I am going against the grain, but I think that your ex is being unreasonable by trying to bribe them into allowing OW into their lives.

He should suck it up and let them adjust in their own time, forcing her on them will probably make them dig their heels in further.

IMO he is being unfair by setting your DD up like this. He is making it so that she has to chose between looking like she is betraying you in terms of loyalty or being unreasonable with poor hard done by exH.

He has some work to do with his DCs, this is not the way to start. Arse.

YANBU

Thanks for that. Its all a mess, but I think after reading all the posts I do need to detach and let everyone find their own way. It's not all about me, although a lot of it hurts me. I should just let go and try not to interfere, get involved, get upset. Easier said then done, but i can try. Thanks again