Improving social skills

[staylucky]

Firstly I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place wasn't sure where to post

I wonder if anyone has any tips or advice for improving social skills? I've just turned 30 am mum to 2DC with another on the way and somehow have managed to muddle through upto now, but after yet another godawful morning at playgroup i'm convinced this is something I have to start to learn how to tackle

My upbringing was fairly horrendous and I think that all my current awkwardness really just stems from a lack of an example when it comes to meeting & speaking to people. I didn't have any close friends growing up, play with other children much, didn't socialise, school was mostly panic inducing. I have a crap relationship with my family, absent father and toxic mother.

I sometimes am genuinely at a loss to understand what is expected of me in certain social situations. I do like and care about people and try really hard to treat people as i'd like to be treated but i'm aware that i'm bloody hard work to talk to, and I hate that feeling when i'm aware i'm making people feel uncomfortable.

I have a handful of close friends and a fabulous DP with whom this doesn't seem to be an issue because I don't feel as anxious around them but i'm so scared i'm passing on my issues to my DC.

I don't hide at home, I do make sure we get out and about but I seem to keep making the same stupid mistakes, really don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I am on the whole a very happy, healthy and lucky lady. There are a whole load of issues from my past i've never really dealt with and tbh I wouldn't know where to start, have always thought the best thing to do was just stay positive and keep going.

Thankyou sincerely for any help you can give me x x

You are not alone, parent groups can be hardwork. I can't type much as I'm holding a baby but hopefully lots of people will come along with suggestions XXXX

there have been so many threads on here about babygroup cliques and feeling out of place etc - you are definitely not alone!

I always find it really uncomfortable too, but I remember someone once told me that most people like talking about themselves, so try to ask questions and let them do the talking! . Small talk is really hard sometimes but just try to keep it general (and avoid politics or religion!!) - especially at playgroups I found the talk seems to revolve around the children, your experiences with them, places you go to etc - probably because that's what you initiallly have in common before you start really finding out who's who.

Suburbandream is right - most people like just talking about themselves. In fact I remember reading a study once where participants had to talk to a range of people and then rate who was the most interesting. When they reviewed the tapes they found that the people who were rated as most interesting actually said very little about themselves, in fact one of the most "interesting" people hardly said anything at all!

Out of interest what "mistakes" do you make?

Hi Stay, you sound lovely person.
It is difficult to say much as you say that there are many issues from the past but on practical and very simple level there are some tips. You probably know them but just in case.... a) Open Questions: i.e. if you are at a party or playgroup ask a mum 'how was your weekend' instead of 'did you have a good weekend'? The chat flows easier this way. b) Ask 'you?' at the end. i.e. someone asks what your job is, you say 'i'm a doctor. And you?' instead of just 'i'm a doctor' and then silence.
There are many simple tips that help small talk but most importantly relax and be yourself. Actually i think everybody who is not nasty or very rude does have social skills.

Why do you think that you are 'hard work' ? Do you have an example?

I think everyone finds new social situations hard by the way. I'm a very social person and I make friends easily but I still find meeting new people stressful as well as exciting.

I sometimes am genuinely at a loss to understand what is expected of me in certain social situations. I do like and care about people and try really hard to treat people as i'd like to be treated but i'm aware that i'm bloody hard work to talk to, and I hate that feeling when i'm aware i'm making people feel uncomfortable.

You probably aren't making people uncomfortable, you know.

What do you think you could possibly be doing that would be seen as wrong by these people? I would wager it's just a feeling you have, stemming from low self-confidence, and that you aren't making them feel uncomfortable at all. Perhaps it's just your own discomfort you are feeling.

And if people do judge you, why should you care? Their opinions are their own to hold, and are not a reflection of who you are.

Focus more on seeing them as people in their own right. They are not judges of your worth. They are not mirrors bent on reflecting a negative image of yourself back to you. They are just people - normal folk with their own worries and quirks and opinions.

You wade in there and be your own person too!

Do you know what...playgroups are HORRENDOUS! Don't use them as a barometer of how good (or not) you are socially. I found them very hard work and not representative of normal situations.

If you've got a DH and a close circle of friends as you say, you can't be that socially inept, can you?

Thankyou for all your messages

I know the playgroup thing can be especially terse, I guess it just made me think this morning that enough was enough!
New people in particular is a stressful situation but I would say that even with people I know fairly well I find 'Social rules' hard not having had a great deal of experience. Laquitar cheers for the open question suggestions, will try hard to remember to do this.

Whats upset me is that i've had a couple of offish comments or 'looks' in the last couple of weeks that basically I can come across as a bit aloof or that I see myself as better than others. I really don't, tbh with the crap i've dealt with i'd never ever wish to make anyone feel even an inch like that.

itsmeandmypuppynow It could be that i've got my knickers in a twist and am beating myself up about things that really didn't happen how I imagined.I find it v hard to distinguish between actual and projected if that makes any sense. I guess I see others always as perfect beings and that i'm always to blame.

I wish there was a rule book I could refer to!

Thanks again gals x

How to Win Friends and Influence People? I can't do links on this but the Wikipedia sum-up of the book will tell you what it's about. Lots of tips there for conversation and putting people at ease.

Could you give us an example of what you've said, and we'll tell you if that's a bit or not.

Playgroups are sometimes difficult places and I think with playgroups you have to try different ones until you find one you like, I must admit I never really liked them and used to prefer smaller coffee groups because people made more effort to speak to you. Alternatively sometimes a group where the children do an activity is helpful as you have less pressure initially to talk to other mums and conversation is less forced.
I don't think it is usually intentional on other parents part to make you feel left out, often they are quite happy in their own group and probably sometimes don't even notice that you are there.
Keep trying and keep positive, perhaps next time there will be another newbie there and they will be much more willing to engage in conversation and that will make it much easier for you, I'm sure you don't lack social skills just the confidence to not be concerned about what others are thinking
Good Luck
MLx

I used to find this type of thing really difficult. As a supply teacher, I can be in 5 different staff rooms in a week - and some are definitely friendlier than others. It's quite daunting walking into a room full of people when they all know each other - I found things improved enormously when I realised that I didn't actually have to say anything to anybody! I just walk in, make myself a coffee, sit down, and eat my lunch. I'm perfectly pleasant, smile and make eye contact - but I wait for them to talk to me. And they do!! In some staff rooms, it only takes about 5 minutes, in others it can take several visits. But the important thing is that I no longer think it's my fault if they don't talk to me.