Workaholic husband

[lolaflores]

DH loves his work. To distraction I would hazard a guess. He leaves about 7.30am, arrives back, well at the latest 8pm. I am in bed at this point, a long day with uninterrupted, well you know how it is. Then after a bit of a catch up, out comes the computer and he is at it till gone 12pm. I could sit in the front room in front of telly, or go to bed and read...there ye go.
he takes nearly no time off work. Won't take a 2 week holiday, a week is usually the furtherst it goes. at the moment, he has a month of "really crucial meetings, everything depends on it" and quite frankly i am at tipping point.

most evenings he is home to put DD2 to bed. At the weekends I am so tense you could rig me up to the national grid and power a small town. Its like, lets cram fucking everything into 48 hours and call it a life. i am so resentful. When we met, we both worked hard. but, I am at home (looking for work) and feel like a mat. There are things to be done around the house, sick of waiting for something to happen. Forget it now. Has not booked the tickets for a family night at a club for Bonfire night...ie tomorrow. Looked at me and said "can you be arsed?"

is this what life is meant to be?

To be fair, his working hours, during the day, aren't that long. Many people are leaving the house far earlier and getting hom later.

Are you waiting for him to notice things, or are you talking to him about it? If he's so engrossed in work, he may think all is ok as you aren't picking him up on things all the time.

Talk to him, properly.

With the best will in the world TechnoViking, sorry his hours aren't long enough and don't meet come cut off point for you.
I shall talk to him properly. Cos, I have never done that, have I. Thats why this post is here. Cos, i never talked to him about it. #
Please excuse the sarcasm, feeling very overwhelmed at the moment.

i am so resentful

I think you need to work out all the factors about this that are making you resentful. I think there is a lot more going on that just your DH working 'too much'.

You say he comes home in time to put the DC to bed, and then goes on the computer, but you also say that by then you are 'already in bed'. So would you be prepared to stay up later in exchange for spending time with him in the evenings?

You say you used to work hard, but are now looking for work. Could it be that you envy his work schedule and will feel better once you have a job as well?

It sounds like he IS engaged with family life, but you choose to see this as a negative ('lets cram fucking everything into 48 hours and call it a life').

It sounds (possibly I'm wrong about this) that your DH works hard (but not unreasonably hard) helps with the children and is happy to do things together at the weekend. I think you need to be honest with yourself about the source of your resentment.

I am at a loss as to know what to think anymore. Would it be unreasonable for me ask him to make an effort with me. I resent his perceived lack of emotional input. We have had the conversations, another one is seen by him as having a go. Maybe, I want him to reach out to me. I want to be needed. Is that really too much?

Envy his work schedule? Maybe, I gave up work shortly after DD2, having really strived to get where I was. My fault to give it up so quickly. I blame myself for that. But, I know he is happier that I am at home.

This is such a hard area to find a way through that doesn't end up in the blame game or you do this and I'll do that. Is it me? I am the problem

Do you feel like his interests (work, computer) take precedence over you?

I would agree that his workday is very long, but I don't think that's really the issue. You seem very angry, can you pinpoint why? How is your relationship with him? Are you feeling cut off from the outside world because you're at home with the kids all day?

Is it me? I am the problem

You are NOT the problem, - you clearly feel angry and unappreciated and frustrated, and you definitely do not 'deserve' to feel that way, nor should you just ignore it. You and your partner together need to find a way through this.

My fault to give it up so quickly. I blame myself for that.

You gave up work to look after your child, - that is not an unreasonable thing to do. But it does sound now that you are unsatisfied, and you and your partner need to re-negotiate the deal with work and childcare. Even if your partner is 'happier' that you are at home, it doesn't sound as though you are.

No, I'm not happy. I think he is ignoring it frankly, and I don't have the resources to try and get a way through it. I am disappointed at the rejections I have had so far for job applications and feel very down hearted about that. I feel pretty useless at the moment.

Could you be depressed lola?

Have a lovely big fat mood disorder which doesn't help alot cailindeasa (really hope you are not Dana). Lots of drugs at the moment, have been for 4 years. They thought I was bipolar, things have improved, but there are times like this. It doesn't help in our relationship. I feel so demanding and I think I exasperate him.

I push everyone away and then don't know what to do with myself

Aw thanks for the deasa comment :) Are you under the care of a doctor at the moment, or getting any counselling?

seeing the head feeler in a week or so. it is frustrating. this feels like a curse as much as anything else. it's a diganosis for life, and life is meant to go on, but i end up like this and wonder how life can ever be normal. like, how, if I get a job, i can hold it down. in a way i felt relieved about the jobs not happening at least I wouldn't have to worry about disclosing this or not. it feels like a corner that I am not gettin gout of any time soon. so I try and get on with it, but I struggle

I've had severe depression in the past so I know what an absolute horrific slog it can be. If the prospect of getting a job is stressing you it might be worth putting that on the back burner for the time being. Is it depression you have? Or something else?