I am struggling.

[cofegirl]

Hi everyone, I have posted before but would really like to keep talking if thats ok as I am not coping too well on my own.
I have been sleeping with my ex-husband, I cant tell you how low I feel about it and I dont have any excuses except that I have recently been diagnosed with bipolar so very up and down.I have ended things (finally) once and for all a few days ago and he is mad.
The trouble is he has a new lady that has just flown a long way to see him, she is buying him a lot of expensive gifts, and is telling mutual friends that he is the love of her life.She has also been buying presents for my children. I am horrified that I am caught in the middle of all this and my ex is enjoying his revenge.
I have asked this before but it is eating me up inside.This woman is being used and is about to give up her whole life for him. He blatantly told me tonight that she will do anything for him and do I want him back now? Which of course I dont.
I dont owe this women anything as she has tried to get him many times before but one of my sisters said to me today ' what if it were one of us?'. Should I let her know through one of her friends or is it ok to know and just let life take its course like the photographers in the wild?
Or am I secretly just planning my own revenge? I have lost all trust in myself and am normally a decent kind woman.

I think I already know the answer. Just walk away. Thats what your all going to say isnt it?

You are a single woman and as such you are entitled to see anyone you like. You haven't done anything wrong, but he has done plenty. I can understand that you feel bad about it but IMO you are not responsible for the OW's feelings. Do you think she would even listen to you if you did try to tell her what your exH is like? Is he planning to just dump her or actually build a life with her?

I don't know, it's genuinely very tough.

But I get the impression your ex is not a nice man. If you have children with him, I think that discretion might be the better part of valour in this case.

If your friend feels so strongly about it, perhaps she can tell her! I don't mean that seriously, but it's awfully easy to have opinions when you're one step removed...

Yup. She won't believe you. And even if she does, she's so hooked on him that she'll believe she can win him over, the poor deluded fool.

Just be thankful you've escaped. And no more sleeping with twunt, y'hear?

Of a mind to say 'walk away'and of course you don't owe her anything... but are there kids involved? For example is she about to move them from the US to UK on the back of this? I think if there are kids likely to be uprooted then someone does need to say something for their sake - either to him or her.

You've been through a hard time that has knocked your self esteem, yet you come across as a very kind and reasonable person.
Youve made a mistake with him,but i have no doubt you will make the right decision.
Yes I think you should walk away. ow woman will learn soon what hes like and the water is too muddy around your relationship with him for her to not be threatened by you, whatever you say. You are being dignified and being the adult in this relationship by walking away.

No, something has changed in me. I literally couldnt handle any more pain and I was reaching a point where I was losing my wonderful motherhood so got a serious kick up the arse.I am struggling having to let my children go to his house while she is there, it is killing me but i dont want to change routines. I read today that acceptance' is the first step toward freedom.

Thank you so much for the replys so far. I have never felt like this in my life and dont have a lot of people in RL i can talk to.

I realize that my first post sounded very unsympathetic to your own situation - sorry not intended. You do need to focus on you and your family which it sounds like you're doing even if it's tough.

You are all right. He is so not a nice man.Although this is very hard to admit
I think that I want her to know that she hasnt actually won.It seems to me, she fought so hard for him and is now being very smug about it all.
Except I want to say 'but you dont knw anything!' The other half of me couldnt care less and I feel happy to have found my escape.It is fine that she has my husband but my boys! I have to share them with her and it is tearing me apart.

Ah, so you don't really feel sorry for her or anything, you want to wipe the smile off her face. Do you still have feelings for your exH? I would strongly advise you not to give into the urge to rub her face in it. It won't make you feel better and it will only sour things between you and her to the extent that it could make things more difficult wrt access with your sons.

Don't waste your life on bitterness and revenge. You are the lucky one who got away from your shit exH, she is the next one to be fucked over by him. That is revenge enough. Focus on putting your own life back together and moving on.

Thank you CailinD.Thats the thing though I do feel very sorry for her sometimes,she is still a women and I cant stand women being made a fool of under any circumstances.Especially when her whole life is at risk. I just feel that like my sister said 'what if one of them were being treated like this?' Your reply is spot on though, I suppose have to let this happen and let it go. I am too tired for any more emotion.

I am very confused and I think by writing about it, it can help me heal and I can move on. I know I am saying two different things but just have to let it all out.You ladies are wonderful for even listening to my East-end drama.My boys are away tonight and I am in so much pain.

Ok I have to work now but thank you all for your posts.I feel so crazy for being in this situation as long as I have but it has been a very long journey for me. You all have helped more than you will know.Will check back in later on.

You say you fought for him - the question is, was he worth fighting for? If you say he's not nice, you may have to accept you struggled for something which wasn't worth having.

I imagine your ex's ego is sky-high, with two women at his beck and call. And you may find as you attempt to detach yourself, he either gets nasty (to reduce your ego as his ego has been reduced) or attempts to get you back (so he can satisfy himself he still "has it"). You're going to need to be very strong, but the dividends will be worth it. You deserve to move on, and find a nice person who treats you well. Isn't that what you'd prefer for yourself, in five years time, than this situation?

Withdraw from this, OP. It's completely messing up your emotions and your well-being.

do you think she would believe you if you did try and tell her she was making a mistake

i dont think so

Nelly has an excellent point. He'll say you're not over him and making stuff up, and he'll also give you hell for trying to drop him in it when she's not around - and all round it could go very badly wrong

If you tell, he'll just claim you're a bunny-boiler and they'll laugh at you.

If your sister feels so strongly about it, she could say it, but the likelihood is he'd still talk the OW round.

I'm sorry. It will get easier, you will move on and your boys will always love you.

Thank you Buzz, Robot Nelly and Bells. Your right, I cant sleep, I cant breathe. Its all horrible. I want it all to be over. But it is so hard. We have a wedding we all have to be at this week and he continues to send nasty messages every day, and then apoligies and then love. I am so so tired. I have a good job that I cant even focus on. I need help and your words are so helpful.I miss myself. The lady who bakes and sews and reads and gardens and listens to music. I feel like I am just a skeleton of skin and bones. Nothing left. He has sucked all my blood and replaced it with his.Now I am ill.

He's awful and on a power trip at your expense

cofegirl - you need to look after yourself; then you WILL get back to being the lady who bakes and sewes and reads and gardens and listens to music.

Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you for the flowers bell. I have been hiding in my house and a friend just came in and looked at me in shock.I am not all that close to people here but am going to have a walk in the sunshine today by the beach and try to feel better.It is my only option.When my boys come home tomorrow I want to ok.

He's abusing you. Sadly you can't completely cut him off as you have children, but you can tell him you won't respond to any messages which aren't to do with access arrangements.