Help with DH and possible porn problem

[megs7]

I do't really know where to start with this, but since my DH and have been together I have made clear I find strip clubs, porn etc unacceptable. I understand many people don't have a problem with this and I think each to his own, but for me it is not ok.
A number of times during our time together (4 years) I have found evidence on our computer that he has been looking at porn and porn type stuff. One time I went to search in the search bar and it offered me the options of 'teen ass' and 'teen sex' as previous searches. ANother time I went to show a youtube cartoon to our son and instead of youtube 'yourfuckbook' a site for meeting up with local singles which showed topless pics etc, came up instead. Every time something like this has happened he has point blank denied that he was looking at it. The one time has admitted it was in our early days he contacted a girl on myspace and posted a comment 'you're sexy' under a pic of this teenager posing in her underwear. He only admitted it was him about six months after it happened - at the time he claimed someone else must have used his account.
After years of this denial I had enough and installed a spyware thing which retrieved deleted history. I hated doing and I feel bad that I did it, but I was fed up of his constant lies. Sure enough, it showed a whole load of porn had been looked at and deleted the previous night. I confronted him and he lied again. I told him I had proof and he still denied it and then had a go at me for wanting to 'control' him and called me a 'psycho nagging bitch' we ended up arguing all night and he wouldn't leave me alone. When I started crying he claimed I was trying to blackmail him.
That was a couple of months ago and this morning - for the first time since then I looked at the spyware again. Not only were there lots of pics of topless girls, but it looked like a load of facebook pics (innocent ones) of my sister, a girl we used to teach and a girl he worked with. I actually saw an email he sent to this former workmate which he signed with 'hehehe' which he only ever typed to me when he was being dirty. I asked him about it and he claimed it was a laugh and nothing and means the same as 'hahaha'. Since then he has sent emails to me with 'hehehe' instead of 'hahaha' - but he never did before.

ANyway, he is denying again that he looked at any of this stuff and is now saying he can't believe that let me have it on the computer and he is now saying he will lock me from the computer! I live abroad and the computer is my only way to contact friends and family back home.
Sorry this is so long.

I would be upset too. Especially the teen thing, had a bf once who did this and it killed our sexlife and I lost my attraction to him, we split. It's the lying more than anything. If you can't stick it, which I couldn't, you need to have a serious chat about your future and if he can't stop doing this as it's upsetting you and making you lose respect for him.

why are you still with him?

On a normal day we get on great. But the situation I am in I can't just leave. We have three (four in Feb) kids and we live in his country (US). Only one of my kids has a passport. I have been a SAHM since I got here and don't really know anyone.

I think he sounds like a controlling idiot who is doesnt have any respect for his family. for you

Define 'teenager'. Are you talking about someone who looks younger than 18? Because if he's looking at sites featuring girls younger than that, I'd be kicking him out. Regardless of whether or not you agree/disagree with porn, only the wilfully ignorant could believe that a 13-17-year-old girl is willing to be wanked over by all and sundry, and his viewing it could be considered illegal in some circumstances. Combine that with him going after a girl you used to teach and having photos of your (I assume younger) sister and my creep radar is seriously buzzing.

I can actually see his POV about the spyware, as I'd be absolutely livid if my partner was spying on my online activities. However, not 'allowing' you to use the computer when you are isolated in a foreign country is not on. If he doesn't want you 'spying' on his online activities then he needs to provide you with your own online access.

You've got some information on your H now. The question is now what you are going to do about it. There are only 2 answers as clearly the "please don't do it anymore" approach isn't working. You either accept it and put up with it, or you don't and you leave. I know it's not as easy as all that in reality, but when you get lost in the shades of grey, I think it's helpful to remind yourself of the black-and-white choice.

I'm sure there are lots of other lovely sides to him that we don't know about, but I have to say that if he was my H I'd be long gone on the basis of what's in your post. Sorry if that's difficult to read.

sunshineand books - on an old site of his (when we were first going out) he most of the girls seemed to be 15-18.

I would be livid if he spied on me too, but I feel he forced me into it by his lying and trying to make out that I was crazy for saying he did these things.
I thought if I presented him with proof he would admit it and we could actually discuss the issue. Nope, didn't happen.
For what it's worth, I have never seen his various email accounts, and never looked at his phone. I never call him 'randomly' at lunchtime etc, etc.

Look, you know he's got a thing for teenage girls and that he uses porn.

But it doesn't sound as though he's ever promised not to use it again and yet by February, you will have had four children with him in four years. It doesn't sound like he's ever going to change, so you either decide to put up with a partner who lusts after very young girls and possibly pupils and siblings, or you start taking steps to regain your independence and separate.

I cannot imagine what sort of life you're going to have if you stay with him - constant allegations of impropriety I would have thought, not to mention a nervousness when your kids become teenagers and they bring friends back to the house.

By the time you put the spyware on his PC, this relationship was doomed. I'm not saying you are wrong to mistrust because your instincts seem to have served you well, but it has got you nowhere other than to confirm your suspicions and yet you are still there, having his babies.

What's the point of spying on someone and then doing nothing about it when you find evidence you don't like?

He is bordering on being a paedo.

He is not going to give up the porn, he just wants to hide it from you, hence the threat to 'lock' the computer if you keep searching for evidence which he knows you will find.

I don't want to leave him - I would like him to go to some kind of marriage counselling with me, but at the moment he is denying there is any problem except me being a 'crazy person'. I don't get it! What do I need to do to be realistic over this? Every path I take he either denies everything and/or says it is me making it up! I suggested last time this happened I would take steps to leave and so this time he says to me 'oh are you threatening to leave again?' like this is an annoying joke.

I think if he would actually admit that he was looking at it then maybe we could go from there, but I am telling him hurtful I find the pictures and the lies and he won't even acknowledge this in a response but says I am 'controlling'. He is insane.

What do I need to do to be realistic over this?

Face reality.

You think porn is unacceptable, he thinks it's perfectly OK. He's not going to stop using it, because he gets pleasure from it and sees no reason why he should.

His response to your telling him that it was unacceptable was obviously to nod and smile and say the right things, and then try to keep it hidden from you. But he doesn't seem to be very good at the last part...

I agree with the earlier comments - you need to either accept it, or accept that the relationship is over.

I think if he would actually admit that he was looking at it then maybe we could go from there

But do you really mean that? What does "go from there" mean?

It seemed from your OP that it is absolutely 100% non-negotiable. So that's why he won't admit it.

What do I need to do to be realistic over this?

Accept that you can't change him.
Accept that you can't make him go to any kind of counseling.
Accept that he will continue to deny that there is any kind of problem, because he doesn't want to face it.
Accept that you can't make him want to change himself.
Accept that you either have a life with him AND the porn and teenage lust, or you have a life without him.

The only thing you can change is how you deal with this - its clear from what you have written that your H isn't bothered about changing his behaviour.

I suggested last time this happened I would take steps to leave and so this time he says to me 'oh are you threatening to leave again?' like this is an annoying joke

Well, is it?

Do you mean it when you say you will leave him?

Obviously not, because you didn't leave him. So he has no reason to take you seriously when you 'threaten' to do it.

He doesn't care that you don't like porn
He doesn't care that you threaten to leave
He doesn't care about your feelings or opinions at all.

This has been going on for four years. What makes you think it will change?

You can't make him change, because he doesn't want to. You can't make another person change his/her behaviour to oblige you, because it's up to that person to choose what to do.
So you either accept his porn use, or leave him. There is no other option.