Am I expecting too much?

[amigoingcrazy]

Have been browsing talk threads for a week or so to see if there is anyone else out there having similar issues but none so am going to submit myself to ritual slapping of MNers - please don't be too mean....

I've been with DH for 10 yrs, married for 5, 2 DCs (3 and 9 months). Feel like I am going through what I think is referred to as the 7 yr itch "I love you but I'm not in love with you" type syndrome and I think I just need to ride the storm and stop being pathetic and childish, focus on what an amazing family I have and not do anything stupid to wreck it but would really like some helpful thoughts from people not close to me / us to see if I can get some perspective and tips.

DH is amazing in some ways (he is the cook in our family and cooks our dinner most nights, is great with the DCs and I know we (as a family) mean the world to him) but in other ways I just feel our relationship is lacking but don't know if it's just one of those normal things that people in long term relationships go through... DH is not one for talking about his emotions and I often have to push to get any kind of romantic talk out of him (though I acknowledge that having been together for 10 yrs with 2 small kids that's an immature expectation anyway). We can have some quite stormy arguments (normally start over trivial things) and he can say some really nasty things (like "you fat lazy cow" - and then says sorry (when pushed) after and admits he only said it to "get to me"). He is also particularly intolerant of my family so that I usually end up feeling like he can't bear spending any time with them, although this has got better over the years (his rationale is that he thinks they treat me like a doormat and I let them because I'm too nice - I think how can being too nice be a bad thing - sometimes DH infuriates me with his lack of emotional empathy and I wonder at times if he is a bit autistic in his emotional intelligence). We have talked at length before about how he will harbour resentment over something or other but not tell me so I have no idea that I have annoyed him, and then it will blow up in an argument and it's almost like he's jekyll and hyde but to be honest in the last couple of years we have actually argued less (once a month or two rather than every couple of weeks). I have always had a higher libido than him - it's something I knew before we got married, and rather ridiculously thought might change. Actually we went to counselling before we got married (had been together for 5 yrs at that stage) as I wanted to make sure we could deal with issues (my parents are divorced and I really didn't want to end up the same). On the libido side I went off sex completely when I was pregnant and BFing so it wasn't an issue then but am no longer BFing and am recently back at work, and most particularly have met up again with a male friend that I have always flirted with (and vice versa). He (OM) makes me feel like my DH has never really made me feel - like I am the most sexy and gorgeous and amazing woman alive. He isn't afraid of saying what he thinks and I find that soooo appealing (though I also know that he's a charmer so probably just wanting to get his end away). OM is also married and while i know it is just ridiculous flirtation (ok, a bit more than that - we have kissed) and musn't lead to anything because we are both married I am finding myself thinking /fantasising more about OM than about my DH.

Can anyone offer some helpful advice? Is it normal to go through periods like this in a long term relationship?

If you want to sort out your marriage, stop contact with the OM. No wussing out of that one. There's no room for him if you genuinely want things to work.

I don't think it's normal to verbally abuse your partner, even in an argument. I mean, a bit of shouting, complaining about behaviour, but personal insults of that nature? It's certainly not acceptable treatment in my view, and that you have to push him to apologise for over-stepping so nastily is worrying.

Name calling isn't ever acceptable, so on that score I think there is a big problem.

WRT to the other aspects of your relationship, it sounds like you aren't very well suited. You want someone who talks about his feelings and has a high libido, whereas your DH is not a talker and has a low libido. IMO these are things that aren't likely to change. How do you feel about that?

Don't get involved with the OM until your own relationship is sorted out. If you genuinely want to be with him then you both need to end your marriages first.

Definitely stop seeing the OM. It's very human to gravitate towards someone who makes you feel good about yourself, especially when the person who is supposed to make you feel good isn't doing so, but the OM is simply going to be an added complication you don't need right now. What you're feeling is understandable but is just going to make things 10x worse if pursued.

All that said, I think your attraction to the OM is a direct result of the less-than-ideal state of your marriage. It's normal to having fluctuations in the level of sexual attraction towards your partner, but it's not normal to verbally abuse a partner. Others will no doubt come on here and say it's healthy to 'clear the air' and 'have a good row' but IMO a couple that are arguing every couple of weeks are clearly not happy. Especially if those arguments are full-on rows that result in one partner calling the other a "fat lazy cow.". The Jekyll and Hyde description is also worrying.

The best thing you can do for your long-term future is to get some marriage-guidance counselling IMO. On your own if your partner won't go as it will still help you understand the dynamics of your relationship and whether you can make it better or of you'd be better off calling time on it. At least then you'd be free to pursue another OM without any betrayal or guilt. Leave this OM well alone though. He is married too and if he's prepared to betray his wife, what makes you think he'll treat you with any greater degree of respect?

These threads always have a let's slag my current bloke off to justify my actions!

The married man wants a shag. Men who are married 9 times out of 10 just want a shag and will tell you anything to get one.

He doesn't have to sit at home watching you in your normal day to day routine. He gets the best of you. He probably doesn't give any of the charm to his own wife!

Why do Women always fall for this shit?

Thank you everyone for your comments, particularly sunshineandbooks. nothing said surprises me and is what I already knew but think have just been avoiding the idea that DH and I really need to sort this out if we are going to make it work. Was just going with the flow with OM for a bit of escapism fun but also knew I should stay away from him and it's good to be told what I already know to give me a kick up the backside to stop being an idiot - and maleview70 you haven't said anything that I didn't already know so I don't think I have fallen for anything (wasn't like I was posting saying I have already had the shag and think OM is in love with me, was I?) and I also wasn't posting a rant about DH just to justify my actions I was honestly seeking advice (and a bit of a "come on girl, sort it out") which is what I got, thank you.

If you've kissed this bloke already, it's already gone too far and I doubt you'll back out now, especially if you see him every day. So I hope for his wife's sake that he backs out and that he isn't doing as you are right now - dredging up every dissatisfaction in your marriage in order to justify what you've already done.

windsorTides, I was asking for advice, not a battering of my actions thus far. As said to maleview I am not seeking to justify my actions I am simply trying to work out why I feel as I do. And since you don't know me in the slightest how on earth do you know what I will or won't do next?

amigoingcrazy

we know what you are going to do next, because you are following a script

the oldest script in the world

next!

Because it's obvious dear, you are giving yourself permission for an affair, classic distancing behaviour.

What was the outcome of the counselling pre marriage? I do however agree that this is following a pattern. Your DH doesn't deserve to be treated like this - reverse the situation and see how you would you feel if this was a bloke posting.

My wife has 2 young children and a low sex drive which I always knew, she is hormonal and gets angry and calls me names. A girl at work is flirting with me and we have kissed..what should I do?

I wasn't going to be post anymore as I didn't think the negative comments on here were helpful in the slightest - unless they were intended to make me think "f&ck you lot I'll prove you wrong" but I wanted to finish the thread. Smum I completely agree if it was a bloke posting I would say exactly what the helpful people on here have said ie: stop seeing the OW and focus on your marriage. I wouldn't say "oh you're so predictable you're clearly going to have an affair anyway" because how does that help anyone?! Honestly people, how on earth do you think that kind of negativity helps other than make me think you are clearly emotionally damaged if you think like that and that there is hope for the rest of us.

Anyway, as I said last night I needed a kick up the backside which is what I got from the helpful posters on here rather than those who just decided to be nasty and went to bed last night having decided that I would stop contact with OM (who I don't see every day by the way) and really try to address some of the issues with DH. I think at this stage it would be tricky to find time for counselling (although I know if it is important I will) as we are both working full time and obv have the little ones, so thought a good start would be to read some books and see if I can get DH engaged on the topic. Felt rejuvenated and positive this morning when I woke up and have ordered "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and hope that DH and I can get things sorted.

Well, for the counselling etc to work he has got to make an effort, too. He sulks, dislikes your family (how is he with your friends, by the way? Does he like to keep you apart from them, as well?) and calls you names - no wonder you are not feeling all that well-disposed towards him.
You know him best, obviously - better than strangers on line do, so if you think he's basically a decent bloke, then go for the counselling but set yourself a time limit, maybe 6 months, and if things are not a lot better, have a think about whether you want to stay with him.
Of course, this is where counselling can be a great help: if the marriage is broken beyond repair, a good counsellor can show you how to manage separation as amicably as possible.

thank you solid, that's helpful too. I did say to him last night that I wasn't feeling very happy about us and that he hadn't seemed very happy lately and he looked a bit surprised and said "no, I'm happy"... thing is, we have talked and talked about everything before and he says he does want to make the effort but you know how after a while it all just slips back to how it was. he is generally a good person and the thought of leaving fills me with dread I can't imagine what it would do to the kids so i really do want us both to make it work. thank you

One of the reasons for your husband's surprise and saying he was happy might be because of how you've been just lately, though. It's possible that because you've had this secret adrenaline and it's been giving you a boost, that you've been less critical and appeared to be happier yourself. This is why this stage is so dangerous. Your husband might have been lulled into a false sense of security as a result and this diversion has stopped you dealing with the real problems in your marriage.

What other posters are saying is true. If this carried on, the next step would be you finding fault all the time and trying to justify what you were doing. Your earlier posts looked like you were at that tipping point.

If you've had endless conversations about this and achieved no permanent change, perhaps you need to do something different. For example, how would you feel about telling your husband what has happened with this other man - and why you think it did? Your husband will be shocked and hurt, but it might also provide the necessary catalyst for proper change and at least you will be re-building your marriage on more honest footings.

Thanks Charbon, I was actually thinking exactly that although petrified by the prospect but perhaps you are right. I also think you are right and I was at the tipping point, which is of course why I posted, seeking guidance (and why I get so irritated by negative posts telling me I am obviously going to go down the "wrong road" when I am trying not to).

By the way, why does your DH think you're too nice to your familiy? And yes, he is right, you can be too nice. Are you?

Best way to answer that is give an example that happened just this week.... For Xmas this year we have my family coming and there was some discussion as to when my brother would come. B sent email suggesting xmas morning for a couple of hours (they don't live far away) and DH got all wound up because in his view B and his GF are useless and will end up wanting to stay for lunch but not tell us beforehand (and DH will be doing the cooking - which, incidentally is his choice and I always do the clearing up). Long email conversation back and forth in which I asked him to stop being unfair and he explained his reasoning (still not rational and still quite stroppy IMO) so I wrote email back to DH suggesting how he could have said what he thinks in a nicer way (will spare you boring details). He replied saying "Exactly that", to which I wrote "you are such a retard" (ok, now admit that was childish and not very nice) and he wrote back "And you are still a doormat who will do anything for your brother and his girlfriend, who do next to nothing for you in return" so I explained that I didn't think welcoming them for xmas morning was "doing anything" and that he was reacting like I was offering his services to provide with with a banquet and really could he chill out a bit to which he said he would calm down and later on said sorry for getting wound up. Oh dear, you probably wish you hadn't asked.... but this kind of thing just makes me feel like any time we spend time with my family is a battle whereas with his family I always make an effort.

oh and forgot to answer solid earlier - he is fine with some of my friends but makes it very clear (not to them, only to me) the ones he doesn't like - he is very principled if that's the right word and has particular expectations of how people should behave and is very intolerant when they don't meet those expectations. he has no problem with me seeing my friends though which I sometimes do on my own, and we sometimes do together.

If we add the OM to the pot, perhaps your husband's judgement of people and their motives is better than yours? I'm assuming your brother and his girlfriend have got form for turning up and expecting to be fed? I can understand your husband's frustration if he thinks there might be two unexpected guests for dinner, especially if this happens a lot.

What is becoming clear is that hurling insults at one another has become normalised behaviour in your relationship - and it's telling that your husband thinks that things are fine, despite you calling him such an offensive word in an E mail this week.

Yes, perhaps DH is able to see what I would prefer not to and I should get less wound up by him and more by the people he is getting wound up by. You're right, it's not good that insulting each other has become normal in an argument / discussion. I get so frustrated that he can be so shut down to how I am feeling it's all about the principle of the matter - he is rather lacking in empathy. But then I guess I am not showing him much at the moment so maybe it's that he isn't feeling the love from me either. To be honest with coming back to work (and also have a difficult person at work to deal with so have perhaps been pre-occupied) I haven't been as focused on trying to sort things out as I should. So, resolve to start talking properly without insulting and sort this out.

amigo I think you are on the right track - well done for recognising that there are issues that need to be dealt with and being prepared to tackle them in a sensible way. You could have taken the easy option and done what others on here seem to think you would inevitably do, so just wanted to give you a bit of a cheer. I wish you luck.