too many ups and downs

[alwaysblue]

have posted several times on problems me and my dp have. yesterday, i was feeling really happy about everything and this morning something happened which really pissed me off. we fall out quite regularly and every time we do it makes me question the relationship rather than it just be 'oh we've had an argument, but we'll be fine ' i think its prob because we fall out over the same stuff all the time and its stuff that really really bothers me.

Eg this am , i got up with ds and we went down for brekkie. in a rush for the three of us to get ready to go to work , but dp doesnt come down stairs for ages, so i cant go up and get ready. he eventually comes down in his boxers and is pissed off when i ask him to hurry up as i cant be late for work. and the issue behind this is that all he has to do in the am is get himself ready, he never ever dresses ds in the morning. and basically he doesnt do anywhere near enough parental duties. He never dresses him in the am, never gets him ready for bed, has never given him a bath (ds is 20 months), never gets up with him in the night (he wakes every night still), never gives him his meals, . how did this happen that i am the one who does everything??? we both work full time. i have raised it before but he just gets all huffy that im accusing him of not being a good dad.

sorry didnt mean this to be so long. just needed to rant

Hi,your dp sounds like mine,he always turns it round & blames me.He bathed our 6 YEAR old & 2 year old for the first time EVER the other day!Only because ive had a gutful&told him that im on the point of leaving him so he thought hed better help out.I've had years of it,we have 3 dcs & i feel it would be much easier on my own as i wouldn't have to pussyfoot round my twat H.I'm now so resentful towards him & wish i'd left months ago.I'm in a bad place at mo,its soo stressful but i know that i have to follow my heart,you'll know that too when the time is right,1 thing ive learnt they don't change.

Well, if he does nothing for his ds, then he isn't much of a dad, is he?

He just does the dramatic 'you're calling me a bad dad, how could you be so evil?' stuff to get you to stfu and carry on as before.

Perhaps you could try relationship counselling, where an independent person can intervene and guide your conversation more productively.

If you don't require him to change his ways now, this is your life - you doing everything for the dc and I daresay the lion's share of housework, added onto working full-time.

You could ask what the point of him is, in your life, if you do everything.

What do you get out of this relationship now with such a poor role model for your son's father?. He sounds like an immature manchild. All these ups and downs in the relationship are actually quite wearing.

You're together and miserable, this is not working at all is it?.

I couldn't live with someone who was such a passenger in my life to be honest. You may as well be a single parent for all the support he gives you in relation to your ds.

Presumably he contributes to your life in other areas?

What would happen if you just said 'remember, it's your turn to do DS's bath/tea/whatever tonight', then just settled down with a book or something and let him get on with it? Would he just flatly refuse to do it?

It doesn't sound right at all. Maybe if you were a SAHM it would be different, though you'd think even then he'd want to do some stuff with his own child when he was at home. But if you go out to work full-time as well then it's not on at all. He can get huffy all he likes, but the fact is that he's not really behaving like a good dad or a good partner here.

Do you do all the housework as well?

thanks for the replies.

ephiny - i do the lionshare of the housework i suppose. he does do some stuff, but not enough, and im sure he doesnt even notive half the stuff i do. im not sure what he would say if i told him it was his turn to do something. i used to always do bedtime too ,now i say to him a couple of nights a week, will you put ds to bed tonight. and he does; tho its such an unusual situation that often ds cries until i go upstairs too.

i can understand how he doesnt see how unfair it is and why on earth should i be doing all the extra work, and it does worry me what an example its setting for ds.

Beattie - the single parent comment is true. i could definitely do it all on my own without noticing too much of a difference, and at least i wouldnt have the bad temper to deal with too.

the thing is -and thats what i mean about the ups and downs - is that sometimes i am happy. but i dont know if he can change and i cant really communicate with him, i think he has anger issues.

myddlovesdogs - i cant believe your dh only bathed your 6 year old for the first time. that is unbelievable. i dont know how you manage with three without a supportive dh

My exh was exactly the same, never did a thing to help with kids or around the house and although there were other issues which led to our split, to me this was one of the main ones. I felt for so long that I could cope better without him, he worked nights so we had to pussyfoot around in the day, he often wouldn't get up until after the kids were in bed, so bath and bedtimes always had to be fairly quiet. I now get the "are you calling me a bad dad, I do a lot for the kids" lines, which amazes me that he can be so blinkered to his behaviour and make comments like that when he never changed a single nappy for either of our children or contributed to their daily routines in any way. And if I ever managed to get him to try, the kids would just cry because they weren't used to him being a part of their routine.

I was the same as you in that every time we argued it made me question our relationship until eventually I got tired of having to question everything and finished it. He now can't see how I can possibly manage on my own, but the truth is I have been for nearly 4 years. He has created a situation where I don't need him. I'm not here to tell you to leave him, only you know what is best for you, but personally I just felt like a massive weight was lifted when I made the decision to go.

Do you feel that the ups outweigh the downs or vice versa? Good luck with whatever you decide to do.