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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lying over little things...

18 replies

justelliotandme · 03/11/2011 10:53

My partner and I have been together 6 months. I am in my mid 20's, and he is early 40s. Both have no children, but I work in childcare, hence I use this site. Usually a lurker, but thought i'd be brave and post Blush

We get on really well, and I spend 6 nights out of 7 at his house. Before DP met me he had dated a girl. He didn't say how long they were together, but said they'd broken up 3 months before we met. This girl had a baby boy who didn't see his father. This little boy called DP daddy. When they broke up, DP and this girl didn't stay in touch. He said they just drifted apart.

While DP goes out to work, I often stay in his house til I have to go to work. This morning, while in his house, i was looking for a handbag that I had left at his a few months ago, and at the back of his wardrobe, found a carrier bag full of (presumably) his ex and her sons pyjamas. I had a nosy in the bag and there was a prescription and on the prescription said his ex's name and date of birth, which made her to be 21. He's 41! That isn't the problem though. The issue is that he told me when we met that his ex was in her 30's, not her early 20's! Since i've seen his ex's name on the prescription too, i've realised i've seen his exes name in his phonebook on his phone. If they don't keep in touch, i'm wondering why he still has her number?!?! and if he's not in touch with her, why is he keeping the bag of (dirty...eww) baby clothes and his ex's pyjamas?

That isn't the only thing. A couple of months ago I text him around lunchtime to ask him what he was up to. I was at work. He text back saying he was laying on the bed, watching telly. I got home (back to his) that night before him and the bed was still freshly made from when i'd made it in the morning, and the remote that you need to turn the tv on, was still in the spare room from when i'd taken it in there that morning. I didn't confront him about it, because I thought i'd sound like a loon.

Ok, one more thing is that he goes out every other week with his mates. One night DP and I went out to the pub and this woman came up to us and said to him 'didn't I see you last week, weren't you the one I was talking to?' DP said afterwards, without my even asking, that his mates had got talking to a group of people in the pub and she was in the group.

I do get really insecure (been cheated on before in past relationship while pregnant but sadly miscarried) and then he says how much i've changed his life, that he's never cheated before on anyone and how he'd never do it to me or lie to me, but these little things rear their ugly head. When we're together he's a real gentleman, very affectionate and we have a decent sex life. He leaves his phone lying around and i've met all his family who are very nice.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 03/11/2011 10:58

What are you worried about?
Do you think he is the father of the ex girlfriends child? Do you think they were living together in his house?

justelliotandme · 03/11/2011 11:07

I don't think he is the father at all and I don't think they were living together, but i'm worried about all the little lies like why he lied about his ex's age and why he's keeping his ex and her childs clothes when he says they're no longer in touch and why he lied like in paragraph 4.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 03/11/2011 11:10

Maybe he lied about his exs age because he does not want you to think he only dates women half his age? Maybe he was embarrassed?

Do you know how long he was dating her for? How old her child is? Pretty young if you found baby clothes.

He might not have lied, she may have forgotten a bag of clothes, and he may not have thought to tell you.

I cannot explain paragraph 4. Clearly he wasnt there, and he lied. I would have queried this at the time, but I suspect you didnt?

windsorTides · 03/11/2011 11:10

These aren't little lies.

Didn't you find it strange that he would have no contact with a child who called him Daddy?

Do you think it's odd that his relationships seem to be with much younger women? Why do you think that might be?

Do you think it's possible that he knew you were vulnerable and this made you more attractive to him?

justelliotandme · 03/11/2011 11:18

Thanks for replying. I did query why he didn't see the little boy and did it bother him, and he said that it's sad he doesn't see the little boy any more but he did everything for him, but the mother (his ex) was never thankful and that the contact was just lost when they decided to end it. The carrier bag was never there before yesterday because I have cleaned out his wardrobe before and it wasn't there then, but I think it may have been moved from under the bed as he was cleaning under the bed yesterday. Just don't know why he hasn't thrown them when he says he doesn't have any contact with his ex

OP posts:
fuzzynavel · 03/11/2011 11:28

Think a confrontation is in order before you drive yourself absolutely potty.

You've only been together 6 months and none of this should be happening. This has red flags all over it.

justelliotandme · 03/11/2011 11:37

I've just text him that I was looking for a pair of shoes of mine, that I looked in the wardrobe and found the carrier bag with the babies clothes. I text that they're cute, but not mine, where are my shoes. Let's see what he puts to that.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 03/11/2011 12:00

Hmm, according to MN wisdom, next time ask him face-to-face...that way you'll pick up any hesitation, suspicious body language, etc.

Fairenuff · 03/11/2011 21:46

Why are you shocked that he was with a 21 year old when you are a similar age Confused.

he was laying on the bed, watching telly did he say he was at home, or did you just assume that.

we have a decent sex life after only 6 months you just have a 'decent' sex life?

Sorry, OP, he doesn't sound like the one for you. Too many red flags, not enough amazing sex, big age gap could become a problem later on imo.

LeBOF · 03/11/2011 21:49

I wouldn't worry about the lying in bed watching telly thing- he was probably having a poo, and sensibly didn't want to say. Just ask him about the other stuff.

EleanorRathbone · 03/11/2011 21:55

I hate liars.

But that's irrelevant, other people are tolerant of them.

Six months in and already you're feeling confused, lied to (even if it's by omission rather than an active lie), he's twice your age and was twice his ex girlfriend's age...

Hmmm.

He may be utterly blameless. But I can hear alarm bells ringing across the ether...

FabbyChic · 03/11/2011 21:55

The clothes could have been there ages, some people don't like to get rid of things, I think you are over thinking the clothes to be honest.

With regards the age he was probably embarassed about her age, white lies are permitted.

Why wouldn't he have her number? I've known men keep numbers of every ex and never use them. Some people never delete numbers, besides she probably has his and if she rings he would know it was her rather than have to answer and not know who it is.

If you are concerned about anything talk to him rather than worry and fester on things.

bananafanana · 03/11/2011 22:14

Personally, I'd dump him and look for a younger more nubile model in his mid twenties.

A lot of people gather baggage as they get older. Fact. A bloke in his early forties with several relationships behind him probably has several suitcases in tow. There's plenty of time for men like that when you're in your early forties when the pond you cast your net in is that much smaller.

Don't settle for less than you deserve...

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 03/11/2011 22:15

He goes for much younger females because he finds that they are easily impressed and easier to control.

It sounds as if he also prefers emotionally needy young women.

I sincerely hope you don't have it in your head to become pregnant by this man.

bananafanana · 03/11/2011 22:30

Very true Izzy...

You are young. There are plenty of young men out there - probably more than you will ever have in the future. Find someone fun, kind, caring and trustworthy. Life is too short to agonise over whether you are being lied to. If you suspect you're being lied to, you probably are. Been there, done that!

BlondeBatgirl · 03/11/2011 22:40

I would just confront him about all the issues face to face. You can look at his body language, listen to the tone of his voice etc.You'll know! If your not sure then call it a day before you get hurt!

I would also like to defend older men/younger women age gaps. Dh is 23yrs older than me. We have been together 8 yrs and have a 4yo ds! We are very happy!! Yes he has abit of baggage..but doesnt everyone???

bananafanana · 03/11/2011 23:13

Did you suspect him of lying to you Blonde?

Nothing wrong with age gap if you feel happy and secure...

BlondeBatgirl · 03/11/2011 23:48

Never! He was very open about his past, i went in with my eyes open thinking it was just a fling and we ended up married with ds! i trust him cimpleatly as he does me! Like i said everyone has baggage, even twenty-somethings!
if i ever had any doubt tho i wouls just get it out, u just know if thers something wrong!

if u want the same things and trust each other then age is not important!

(apologies for spelling etc. bloody touch screen! ) :)

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