Advice needed.....should I accept it and just move on??

[kerbear]

Hi there

My DH and I seperated in March this year, though we lived together until we sold our house in September.

In June I met this great man - he truly was a gentleman. We met a few times for drinks and got to know one another. I told him all about what had happened in my relationship and he told me all about his relationship - which was not a good one.

He was with his partner for about 16 years, they lived in seperate properties and he was never allowed to stay ther eovernight incase someone told on her and she lost her benefits. They had a child together (who will be 13 in Dec) but still they never co-habited. According to him they were always more 'off' than 'on' and they had a very 'volatile' relationship. She has 3 children from a previous relationship and she never allowed him to be a step-dad to them. They ended in March when he told her that he couldn't take any more.

When I met him he was very understanding and someone I could talk to about what I was going through. He was caring and offered me some great advice and I was able to see things from a different perspective.

We both agreed that we didn't want to have a heavy relationship as we'd just both come out of long-term relationships, and we were just going to have some fun and be company for each other.

We did not sleep together until about 6 weeks after we'd met, as he knew how self-concious I was about being with someone else. He was great about it.

He was very loving towards me, always wanting to kiss me and be with me and he would either ring me or txt me throughout the day just to say 'hi - missing you'. He was the 1st one to say that - and I told him that he shouldn't be feeling like that!

To cut a long story short - suddenly he has become distant and withdrawn. He has a lot of financial worries at the moment as he is a self-employed builder and there is not alot of work out there - and he also has a few minor health worries. We have always talked about everything - but he won't talk to me on this subject.

He has said that we have had fun for the last few months, but the fun has to end sometime. I'm sorry - but if two people are having fun - why does it have to end?? Is there another reason behind this excuse?

I don't know what to feel or think........should I give up on him and leave him be - or should I try and get to the bottom of the real reason behind this?

Your advice and your views would be greatly appreciated :)

Maybe he is back with her? Or someone else? If he even split with her, maybe she has got wind of it?

Sorry, but someone who lives apart from his partner for 16 years, to cheat the benefit system. Without growing a backbone to put a stop to it. Is far from a catch.

Let it go.

I'm very sorry, but he is telling you that your relationship was fun. That's all. Sounds like he doesn't want more than that, and you do.

Just give up on him. He doesn't want to continue the relationship and if you don't accept this you will end up losing your dignity. Don't probe any further, just accept it an move on. He doesn't sound like great relationship material tbh, and his history is weird. I suspect he might well still be with his partner. I would have an STI check just to be on the safe side.

I'm so sorry, that really sucks.

I'm afraid you just have to move on. It doesn't really matter what the 'real' reason is -- he is saying it has to end, and for your own sanity as well as out of respect for his wishes, you have to just let it go.

The desire to 'get to the bottom of things' is usually because you think then you could fix the problem and you could still be together. This may be called for if you have been together for a long time, have kids, but for a short relationship no matter how good it's not really appropriate. Everyone has the right to call off a casual relationship if it's not working for them.

I know it won't be easy but I think you will just drive yourself mad trying to figure things out, and you don't need any more drama in life. I think it may be for the best anyway, he probably still has a lot of stuff to work through and you don't want to be caught up in his problems when you're still trying to sort your new life.

Just let it go. He is saying its over for him.

Does it really matter what his reasons are? He would probably tell you a load of old guff anyway and you'd still be trying to figure out the 'truth'.

If you're thinking you want to get to the bottom of it so you can counter his reasons, then there is really no point...who wants to be with someone who had to be convinced to be with them?

And yes, anyone who would live apart from his partner and his own child! for so long probably has some serious issues.

He told you 'we have had fun for the last six months, but the fun has to end sometime'.

He is either depressed, back with his ex, has found someone new or isn't decent enough to just tell you straight that he doesn't want to continue seeing you.

I don't think you should pursue it;he has too much baggage.

Oh I'm sorry OP. It sounds like he needed you for a while and now he doesn't, or cannot give as much as he thinks a relationship would require. He wants to think of himself for a while.
You did agree at the start that it was just 'fun' and not to get too deeply involved though it sounds like he's taken full advantage and used you to get very attached to 9all the messages and calls etc). that's not really fair, then to say to you 'Oh you can't need me, I don't need you any more'. But it's what he's done.
Don't try and probe further. Just say Ok, it was fun, I wish you all the best, goodbye' and leave it at that.
I hope you have got something out of it while it lasted.
Fwiw he does sound like he has some major issues, I'd be very sceptical of someone who blamed their ex for everything that went wrong. And the term 'volatile' would have me running for the hills...

hope you feel better soon x

Well people - I am happy to report that you were right - he was back with his ex. I was out on saturday night when he walked into the pub with his ex-girlfriend on his arm. Luckily for him, he saw me, turned and walked back out. He wasn't expecting me to be there.

I sent him a few nasty txts in my drunken state, and I also left a couple of not very complimentery voice messages.

I was in a bit of a mess yesterday as I was so hurt that he could not be honest with me - even when I asked him if he was back with her.

But I have today realised that it is NOT my fault, and I DO deserve much better than him. They are welcome to each other now.

I have deleted his number, messages and all call history so there will be no getting back in contact with him. I hope they are very unhappy together for the next few years as they have been for the past few.

HIS LOSS, not her gain really.....AND ONE DAY THEY WILL REALISE THAT!!!! :-)

Thanks for your advice mumsnetters......it all helps :-)

Oh wow, what a nightmare! I'm so sorry but you're right, it's his loss and you are so much better off without him. It sounds like he's in for a life of misery so good riddance!

Good for you for deleting everything. Hope you are feeling ok? So much better to be angry than sad usually

I am feeling a lot stronger thank you dreamingbohemian.

The only thing I really feel angry about is that he took her to where we had been, where he knew our friends would be and where he knew my sister and brother-in-law would be. The total disrespect he has shown towards me is discgusting.

I will now get on with my life and be happy because I know i deserve that :-)

Jaysus, that IS disgusting behaviour. You are so well shot of him! Glad you're feeling okay... happiness is the best revenge you know