Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

I don't know how to get through this, please don't flame me

16 replies

IDontWantToBeHereAnyMore · 03/11/2011 07:42

I'm separated from H. I got involved with someone I work with, he's married. There was never any proper affair, no constant txts emails etc., we were both trying not to let it happen, but I have fallen in love with him. We both know it was wrong. About a month ago I told him I couldn't 'see' him any more. The pain is unbelieveable, I can't cut contact completely, he's in my circle of friends, my only circle of friends, and I see him around at work.

I go through really low points where I'm constantly in tears, I've been to the doctor, he's basically told me he's not a great fan of anti-depressants (neither am I really) and to get out more and exercise etc.
I've tried looking for other jobs, but so far have found nothing, the field I'm in is very limited.
I really just don't want to be here any more, but I have 2 kids, 16 and 18 and I can't bear the thought of destroying their happiness, I just feel so trapped.

OP posts:

SnapesMistress · 03/11/2011 10:08

You need to channel your energies elsewhere. Meet new people, new job is a good idea.

Also don't dismiss anti-D's especially if you are feeling suicidal. Go to a different GP ad have a chat, it might be worth approaching the local mental health agency.

If you are feeling trapped then you need to talk it through with someone impartial. Samaritans can help you here.

brianmayshair · 03/11/2011 10:23

You've done all the right things ie ending the relationship and the feelings you are having are completely normal. If you continue on in a relationship with a man is unavailable to you then you will end up prolonging the hurt. You need to try and keep you mind occuppied and if things are really that bad then yes see another dr and consider ADs.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 03/11/2011 10:32

ADs are a coping mechanism, and you can ask for them if you really feel you can't cope (I'm on ADs). But it's true that there are other coping mechanisms worth trying out first, for a week or two, to see if they could be sufficient for you:

eat healthy, regular meals
exercise
go out to see friends or engage in hobbies as much as possible.
meditate (or turn to your faith if you have any)
write your feelings in a journal

ADs can be added to this mix if you still feel constantly teary and hopeless.

Original poster

IDontWantToBeHereAnyMore · 03/11/2011 11:00

Thank you. I know I don't deserve your kindness but I am very grateful for it. Thank you too for all the good advice, I've been trying to do most ofthis anywya - I try to eat, but it's hard. I do have hobbies, but I've just lost all motivation which I find soul-destroying in itself. I have been keeping a journal, I find it helpful to write everything down, but it's not so great if I start reading it. The Samaritans have been helpful too.
i just don't know how much longer I can go on feeling like this, I was miserable before I ended it because I knew it was wrong, it's been months now.

OP posts:

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 03/11/2011 11:09

I know I don't deserve your kindness

Wrong. You do. You deserve kindness and respect as a rule: everyone does.

The fact that you are saying that indicates that you are depressed; feeling worthless. Do go speak to another GP and ask for treatment for your depression. Counselling as well as medication would be very useful to you, I think.

gypsycat · 03/11/2011 11:24

You poor thing. I went through a break up like this a few years back, worked at the same place and shared the same circle of friends as the guy (granted he wasn't married and I had no children, so not exactly the same). I did my best for months to try and handle seeing him and acting like everything was fine, etc. It drove me into such a depression I attempted suicide. In the end, I ended up moving towns, meeting new people and basically cutting the part of my life out. It was the only thing I could do.

I'm not recommending the same thing to you, as you have two kids who's stability you need to consider, BUT, have you looked into finding another job? Or perhaps finding some hobbies where you can meet a new circle of friends?

At the end of the day I recommend that you go talk to a counsellor or psychologist. Just getting things off your chest can help dramatically, and there's no reason why you should go through this alone.

springydaffs · 03/11/2011 12:18

Bless you. We all make mistakes (I have made the same one ) and now you are suffering very much. I really feel for you.

Is it possible for you to move? If one child is 18 then s/he should be off to uni (or wherever) soon; the other could move to a different 6th form in a different town? I would recommend you leave your job but as you are feeling so vulnerable it wouldn't be a good move unless you have somewhere else to go. Perhaps mr married will get another job and bugger off.

I don't agree with your GP's view on anti-d's. I am a huge fan of anti-d's, took them when I was deeply depressed and I can honestly say they saved my life: there comes a time when you dip so low that you need help to get back up. I also went for counselling, which was a great help - just having someone in your corner helps a great deal.

If you really are resistant to taking anti-d's you could try st johns wort, which I have found very helpful. But tbh it is not really enough when you are deeply depressed and considering suicide, but it may take the edge off? You could try them as a stopgap but I think you need to get something more effective in place for the longer term.

re eating: try to get the main foodgroups in place - protein, calcium, starch, fruit and veg - even if it's miniscule amounts. Take a good vit&min supplement, plus a tonic for now, just to keep your strength up. Try not to eat sugary food, which really brings down your mood.

Hold on OP, this too shall pass. Things always do, though you can't see they ever could when you're in the middle of them. Do you pray? The psalms are wonderful when you are hurting a lot and desperate. Don't think God judges you btw - you are doing enough of that yourself!

Original poster

IDontWantToBeHereAnyMore · 03/11/2011 12:23

Thank you. I really don't deserve kindness, I want him back so badly and it's so wrong, I'm so ashamed. I could be causing this much pain to his wife who hasn't done anything wrong.
I have had 2 sessions with a counsellor, the first one was taken up with telling her what was going on. The second one was yesterday. It's supposed to be about sorting me and H out, but all I could do was talk about my feelings for OM. I'm coming to realise that H is an arsehole really :( I think that's probably what has made me feel so bad today.
gypsycat - so sorry to hear you've been through this. I haven't attempted anything, but I have a plan :( - it makes me feel safer knowing I have a get out if I need it

OP posts:

springydaffs · 03/11/2011 12:26

ps don't read what you've written in your journal!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 03/11/2011 12:48

Oh OP. I feel for you. I'm so sad to hear where your thoughts are taking you right now.

You are not alone in this, you know. Your counselor, for one, can listen to all the things you feel right now. It was very wise of you to reach out and arrange counselling for yourself. And really, whatever comes out when you are having your sessions with her is what was supposed to come out at that time. Those sessions are for you : you don't have to discuss H, if OM is taking up a more prominent place in your mind.

You may not believe it now, but the way you?re feeling will change. Clouds roll away and blue skies come again. Blue skies aren't permanent either, but that's the way of life. Feel the pain because it's there, but just hold on for that little bit longer. It will pass.

gypsycat · 03/11/2011 13:03

If you're thinking like that IDon't then you need to go on Anti-Depressants ASAP. And schedule some alone time with your counselor. Let her know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. Believe me, you don't want to put your family through what I put mine through, it's not worth it and life does get better. A lot better to be honest. And fighting back against the depression and forcing myself to put my life back together has made me such a stronger person.

Original poster

IDontWantToBeHereAnyMore · 03/11/2011 20:04

thank you, feeling a bit better now. I will think seriously about the ADs. I just feel so empty

OP posts:

ChildofIsis · 03/11/2011 20:09

Thank you so much for having the strength to do the right thing.

You give me hope that there are people who have enough self control and conscience to not destroy a marriage just to satisfy their own needs.

Who knows what may happen in the future.
At least this way you have not been the cause to someone else's pain.

Fairenuff · 03/11/2011 20:49

You have done the right thing, you should hold your head up high and feel proud of yourself.

If reading back your journal is too difficult, just write on paper and then burn it.

I would just like to add that it is unlikely imo that you are actually in love with him. If you have not had a lot of time together outside of work, you cannot know him that well. Although nothing has happened between you, he is still hiding something from his wife, so he is not altogether trustworthy. You feel as if it is a great loss but in reality, he may not have been a very good partner for you anyway.

How long has it been since your split with your exH. I think you need to take some time to be on your own, with your dcs, friends and family and counselling is an excellent idea.

Original poster

IDontWantToBeHereAnyMore · 06/11/2011 10:52

I've had a really, really bad few days, I don't think I've ever felt so low, but I think I'm out the other side for now. This may sound really daft, but on Friday eve, my DD recommended Kalms (a plant remedy, you can get them in Boots). On Saturday morning, I was still feeling very low and like I was about to cry at any minute (and I was at work :( ), so I went out and bought some, took 2 straight away and by around 2pm my mood had lifted considerably. Obviously I can't say as to whether I would have felt better anyway, but I thought I would post this in case it is of any help to anyone else. This morning I have taken 2 more because although not weepy, was beginning to feel sad and panciky about the thought of never being able to be with OM again.
Fairenuff I only split properly with H (he's not X yet) about a month ago.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 06/11/2011 10:59

You have so much to deal with right now, your emotions are all over the place. You need to just concentrate on looking after yourself right now. I really think you should speak with your GP, just to make sure that there's nothing medically causing you to feel like this. They may suggest ADs and there is no harm in finding out about them is there.

If the split with your H was traumatic, you may also benefit from counselling. If you feel you have no-one to talk with about all this, keep posting here. Try to make sure you are eating properly and rest whenever you can.

Flip