Recently separated dh has left form to end joint bank account - should I sign?

[LieInsAreRarerThanTigers]

Long story which I've posted about in partners of addicts support thread and others before, basically I kicked dh out this year after spiralling problems caused by his alcoholism. He is now renting a room in the same town, still paying our mortgage and bills for the time being and I haven't made any legal moves towards divorce.

Today I came home from work and he had left me a bank form with his part filled in, to separate the joint account and put it in his name only. I don't make any payments into the account, but have access to it for convenience/emergencies, and in fact I always consult him before taking any money, which is once in a blue moon (e.g. I asked him for £120 towards the car service on Monday, as he still sometimes drives it, and did the transfer myself when he said yes.)

I am not sure what this means - he has no reason not to trust me, I am a bit put out that he has just plonked it there without a word, as there are loads of things of that nature we should really be discussing. When I had a basic consultation with a solicitor I was being encouraged to get as much in my name as possible - we have complicated property ownership. I don't think I should sign it without some legal advice but hate the thought of spending money on solicitors unnecessarily - I am happy to keep things as they are for the time being and put off the wrangling until we have to do something about a property sale or someone wants to re-marry or something.

If I don't sign it I am sure there will be unpleasantness. Bother!

Well done on getting out of a relationship that didn't meet your needs, hope things work out well for you.

Can't see your point of view on money I'm afraid! He's moved out, is paying for your accommodation as well as his own, and you still want access to what is his bank account (in all but name)?

Sounds like your affairs may not be simple, but you can't have it both ways! If the relationship is over you need separate finances, which will presumably mean you paying for your accommodation in the fullness of time, with some formal support from him (not access directly to his account!).

At best I think you can say to him, give me x amount in support (if you have DC) then I will separate accounts.

If it was a joint account then it is joint money and you should have half of it.

Please see a solicitor. If ever there was a time to spend money on a solicitor, this is it.

Do not put anything off when it comes to tying up all the loose ends of the divorce.

Do not leave things to chance or the long finger, or to deal with on an ad hoc basis, or you will be faced again and again with scenarios like the form dropped off without a word and without consultation, and the threat of unpleasantness if you baulk. You might end up being fleeced that way. You will certainly end up stressed and the threat of unpleasantness is something that will be constantly hanging over you.

Get over whatever hesitation you may be feeling about confronting this man and addressing your financial needs through a solicitor, and tell yourself that you are worth it. You need to take this bull by the horns. You have nothing to lose by doing this once and for all and officially, and lots to lose by letting it drag out through inertia or because of your fears or your desire to avoid confrontation, and letting your exH set the agenda and the pace of the untangling of your lives.

See a solicitor. Today.

Thanks for those replies, I know I should see a solicitor really but still always want to try and work things out by discussion first. This rarely works however! I can't really afford the solicitor unless I know we are going all the way into divorce, forcing money out of him, and that is going to be another massive step.

4aminsomniac perhaps I should have mentioned we have 2 dc for whom I pay virtually all expenses, I work 4 days a week while he has lost his job but was earning well until June this year, has savings and property, so I do think we are entitled to the amount he is providing us with, which adds up to about £1200 a month, and the house is still half his property when it is sold. In some ways I would prefer he pays a fixed sum each month and I sever all financial ties, but I would like it to be done amicably if possible.

Hi, the actual bank account on it's own isn't an issue but you do need to be resolving the financial split, you don't have to actually divorce but you can agree to formally transfer finances and he can sign up to payments to support the dcs. You will need at the minimum a solicitors appointment unless you are comfortable with the finances. You will need a good detailsd view of all the assets and liabilities from the marriage.

If the relationship has ended it is sensible to end the 'joint' nature - it's a process that you have to go through and I know it can feel painful.

When a couple separate each person maybe at different stages at different times. You may have initiated the separation (for very good reasons) but my experience is that men can often move on faster than us women. Your ex might now be at the stage where he wants to resolve the finances...it's often at tthis stage when you experience another stage of the loss as the reality of the situation hits you.

FYI, your ex could have chosen to just set-up another account in his sole name and made the joint account effectively dormant..it is common for this to happen when the separation happens.

You will get through this and life after divorce is often very much happier, especially the the partner had addictions.

I Smum99, yes I hadn't thought of that, but I guess he would really hate to do that as he has had that account for about 35 years and has said before he doesn't want to change it as he knows the numbers etc...
The finances are very complicated as we each have a rented out property in our own name, as well as joint-owning the family home, but the property in his name is the only one with a lot of equity. Basically, to separate finances properly it would force the sale of a property, which is not necessarily the best thing for any of us - I am sure he knows this, so not sure what his motivation is for doing this at this time.

I was told by a friend in banking that joint accounts should be shut down asap as there is always a risk that one party could run up debt and both parties would be liable. The value of existing funds would always be taken as at the date of seperation, which depends on the facts, so you would be protected about those.

If it was a joint account then it is joint money and you should have half of it.

But OP has already said she doesnt put any money into this account.

squeaky that's only relevant because I wanted to show my salary is safe from him - legally everything is half mine and half his, he needs to support his children and if I was not working it would be even more vital.

He has probably had the same advice as you though. To put everything in his name.

If his is the only money going into that account, and you are separated, then it would make sense that you have no access to his money really. I assume you wouldnt want him to have access to your wages. As you say, your salary is "safe from him".

You havent said that he is not supporting his children.

Also, he could always have his salary moved to a bank account in his own name too.

Well he's the addict with the unpredictable behaviour, going on spending sprees, and I am solely responsible for the children in all practical terms. I think that makes a slight difference. I think it probably is a good idea to separate the accounts for the reason JinxandFluff gave, but in reality as long as we are married I think I would still be liable for debt incurred by him.

It is more that I am questioning why he is doing this now and in this way - I don't think he wants to sell a property and that is what would happen if I insist on divorce now, so why is he stirring things up like this?

There is a practical side to it too, as for example, he has been hospitalised with head injuries from his drinking binges before, so it is some insurance if something happens to him that I could have access to funds quickly. I would have thought he would want to protecthis children in this way, but perhaps that is all part of the denial he is stuck in.

I think it will be worth going back to see your solicitor again, or even the CAB.

If you are formally separated, I would have thought any debt he incurred after this, would be solely his responsibility (which makes sense for you to get your name off his bank account in any case).

If you are sure that there is no going back, and that your separation is final, then I cant see any point in holding off getting divorced.

Mostly money! If we could live separately without divorcing we would be much better off. Solicitors charge £200 + an hour and if he were not to cooperate (either 'deliberately' or through being drunk at the wrong times) it could easily cost £15000+++. I thought leaving things as they are for the time being was the best thing to do.

Have had an unusually and surprisingly civil chat with him about this and other issues - he was just basically being a bit thoughtless, avoidant probably, not mentioning it, and 'thought that would be what I would want' as well. He understands the reasons for me not wanting to do it at the moment, and he does trust me not to take his money unless there is a real emergency. I think I should still get some proper legal advice about it, though.

Squeakytoy it doesn't matter who puts money in and who doesn't. A joint account is marital property.

The only way to do things amicably is through a solicitor imo. That way it is impersonal. A solicitor can act as more of a mediator than in an adversarial role.

Property does not necessarily have to be sold immediately upon divorce. There is no 'one size fits all' template in divorce. Both of you have options and with the guidance of a solicitor you can figure out what is the best approach, taking into account the interests of the children (including financial), the current economic climate, the amount of equity in each property and any other factors you can think of.

Please, please do not consider the false economy of staying away from a solicitor; get over your reluctance to draw a line under the civil and legal and financial aspects of the relationship. You can ask him to fork out for solicitors fees if he wants to drag things out and run up a huge bill. Or you could opt for a mediated agreement -- 'collaborative family lawyers' here. When there are various properties, an addict and children involved the collaborative approach might be the best.

You will still have a personal relationship with the father of your children. You are not cutting that off. You are not erasing him off the face of the earth. You are simply tying up the loose civil, legal and financial ends and perhaps even financially safeguarding the children.