I seem to have walked into Bend it Like Beckham

[dieforrestdie]

Me and DP are in the midst of planning our wedding.
My Grand parents (only 2 grandmothers living now) are refusing to come.
GM1 still lives in india and GM2 lives in UK.
I come from a punjabi family (DM born in india, DDad in UK)
I was raised and am still a sikh but me and my siplings where raised very 'british' eg brothers clean shaven, no arranged marriages for any of us, names with nn that where english ect.
Me and DP got together while in uni and it took my parents time to get their heads around the fact he is white and from a non religious family. But after many years, they have embraced him as a member of the family.

GM1 has never met him and GM2 has (is always polite and such but I think thought i was just being a bit rebellious)

Anyway I have been informed by my parents that both GM feel uncomfortable about coming to the wedding and will not be attending.

Shouldn't they just be happy for me? they are my grandmothers

If they don';t want to come then that is their choice, you just say fair enough.

But to not come on the basis of what basically is religion? I don't understand how (esp my GM2 who has been here sinces the 50s) can think that is right - after all the shit she and GF got. I just don't understand.

Yes, they should be happy for you.

My grandmother didn't attend my wedding as my 2 uncles and their wives were not invited and she didn't agree with it. I wanted my wedding day to be a reconciliation of burnt family bridges, but it wasn't to be... so I just accepted it and didn't try to convince her otherwise, fearing further family ructions. I was sad about it, but on the day it didn't affect me. I was so busy that I didn't give it a thought to be honest. She still moans about it, seven years later, but she could have come if she really wanted.

Have you written to your grandmothers to express how much you want them to attend? It might not make them reconsider, but once you have made your feelings known the ball is then in their court. If they still refuse to come, then accept it as their decision and don't linger on it. Enjoy your day regardless, they will regret it, but you can't physically force them can you?!

Is it religion or culture?

Are you having a sikh marriage or christian or civil?

These are older people and will have different sensibilities to us, as you say your own parents 'took time' to get their heads round your relationship.

Cut them some slack, invite them to the reception. They may not be rejecting your union, just the way you are celebrating it.

snoop I suppose a bit of both really (to me my religion and culture is completely interlinked)
DP is't even christian so definatly not a christian ceromony (by religion I meant DP not being sikh)
Wedding is part civil and part traditional sikh (we can't have actually offical wedding part at Gurdwara) so doing official part at registry office and doing rest 'religious' part at gurdwara (kind of like a blessing but it's an asian wedding it goes no for days :P ) but the day is going to run like any other sikh wedding would if that makes sence at all.

ohh singingsands like the idea of writting to them both - my job for tonight then.

Two fewer family members at a wedding = two fewer reasons for bullshit feuds, passive aggression, turf wars and power games.

Be happy. See if you can make your siblings, uncles and cousins not want to come too, and you might actually have an enjoyable day of it.

They might not come around - letter or no letter (but atleast that puts their decision on them not on you)
And they may just be 'polite' to your DP/DH after the wedding.

But you may discover they suddenly change their tune when DCs appear....

It's bigotry, plain and simple. You don't have to be a white nationalist to be prejudiced.

I have some idea of what you're up against - in my late teens I had a lovely Sikh boyfriend called Harbans. I finished with him because of his parents' - well, actually, his mother's and her sisters' - intransigence about my provenance. It was unbearable; the guy was a hero for standing up to them, but I bet he married a Sikh girl in the end!

Yes, please do write to them setting out a rationale and saying how much you hope they will come to bless your new life. But ... avoid emotional blackmail (they'll be doing enough of that, I'm sure) and avoid criticising their beliefs & choices.

If they don't come, it's sad but your marriage will go ahead anyway, you'll have fun and the grannies might come around if you have kids. Have a wonderful day :)

Your parents had a tough role, bringing up the first generation of a blended culture. They seem to have done it wonderfully well! (I'm quite disappointed at the lack of football in your post, though ...)