Am I being taken for a complete fool?

[MugShot]

Long Story and Im not sure where to start.

H and I have been together for 18 years and have 3 DC'S together, the youngest DD is just over one.
Last summer DH told me he didnt love me anymore and wanted to leave, I begged him to stay and he agredd to "give it another go" but told me his feelings for me had changed and that he no longer felt that he was "in love" with me. Devastated, I spent six weeks trying to be the perfect wife while he was cold and unfeeling towards me.Then discovered that he had been phoning and texting his deputy at work (a woman in her early fifties).
He denied it was anything more than friendship, but things didnt add up, I did lots of digging, delved into his browser history and discovered that he had been planning a walking holiday with work colleagues and had been looking at posh hotels, Im not an idiot and I deduced he had been planning a mucky weekend away. He consistently denied anything more than friendship and continued working with her closely. I found text messages on his phone that suggested they were very familiar with each other. I put two and two together and realised that he had in fact spent a lot of time with this woman socially and had suffered from mentionitis for several months. I realised that their closeness had been well established before I gave birth and begged him to admit an affair, but he denied it.

We carried on, after Christmas but he was distant, I noticed that she didnt give him a birthday card which I thought suspicious as he claimed she was such a good friend, I guess it wasnt for my eyes. Eventually in April, he admitted an emotional affair, no more. I bought Not Just Friends and begged him to read it, he refused.
A few weeks later I asked him to work at our marriage otherwise leave, he said he wanted to make things work and I asked him to text the OW and tell her there would be no more contact outside work. He sent the text, then immediately became cold towards me. The next day, he left me and went to hers.c laiming that he was in love with her. Two hours later he was back saying it was a horrible mistake and he didnt want to lose us.
I foolishly gave him another chance.

Since then he has behaved as if nothing happened, refuses to discuss OW and claims he was never intimate with her,in the summer she texted him from work and actually started the text with "I know Im not supposed to text"
This weekend he was off work, his mobile rang three times then stopped, it was her, he looked really flustered and said she must have phoned by mistake.

Am I being taken for a complete fool here? My friends say he probably slept with her and its definitely not just friends. I know thats probably the case. The night he said he wanted to leave me, he texted her eight times and rang her I feel so stressed and miserable

I am so sorry for you mugshot. It does appear that he is enjoying the status quo with you both. One woman for love and excitement, and another to cook his meals and do his laundry. They have it good.

Just ask him to leave. He has made his bed, he can go lie in it.

You dont have to start the divorce proceedings yet, if it is so expensive, just get him out of your life and move on.

Find out what you are entitled to as a single parent, and go from there.

Thanks, we rent our home, I have asked him to leave and he refuses my solicitor said I would have to have his name removed from the tenancy.

I feel totally ground down, the last time she contacted him, I burst into tears and ran into the bedroom, he literally kicked the door down and dragged me downstairs, threw me on the sofa and shouted at me,I actually felt quite frightened. I do think he has been guilty of EA in the past, he has always told me I will never cope without him.

That's physical abuse, surely? No one has the right to do that.

Call women's aid for their advice. You can't go on like this. He will destroy you.

Thats physical abuse. You must have records of the damage to the door, so go now and report it to the police (you don't necessarily want anything done but you want it on record). Talk to your landlord if possible (we once had a door broken and strongly suspected DV, but felt helpless to do anything). Talk to women's aid. Do what you can to get him out.
Good luck!

Oh my God. Someone kicking a door down, dragging me down the stairs, throwing me on the sofa and shouting at me would def. be reason for me to divorce someone. Forget everything else, that is abuse.

Do you really want your children to see someone treating you like that? How can you have sex with someone who treats you like that?

You will cope without him, you will do so much better without him. Nasty little git

he has never hit me,but shouts at me a lot. I mended the door and sadly dont have a brilliant relationship with my LL, I have looked at the WA website

Can you give notice and move?

How would you feel about renting somewhere smaller on your own with the children? As you are renting you don't have all the complications of selling a house and you could be living independently of him within 2 months. I think it is 2 months notice you have to give - can anyone confirm?

Have a look on entitled to, and book an appointment at the CAB to see what you are entitled to and where you stand. Don't stay with this abusive adulterer because of practical considerations.

He doesn't need to hit you, he dragged you downstairs and threw you on the sofa, he made you feel frightened- that is physical abuse.

Sadly I couldnt rent anywhere else on my own (have already looked into this) as I dont earn enough money, and would need to claim housing benefit. I live in a very affluent area where rents are high and LL dont want people on HB. I have application forms for Local HA's but waiting lists are Loong..

I looked at WA and noticed that DA can take various forms, so Im sad to see I do fit the criteria, my solicitor said that he was emotionally abusing me by putting me through all this hell for the past year.

Kick him out and change the locks. Get back in touch with lawyers and get that divorce.

If there's nothing much in the way of assets to be split you can do your own divorce. Costs about £80. Go to the CAB for support on the settlement and contact part. While you're waiting, you can issue the divorce petition anyway. As he sounds dangerous, I agree you should kick him out and change the locks before petitioning. Then send him the form by recorded delivery.

I'd also recommend telling him in writing that you don't want any physical or verbal contact with you or DC until you've got formal arrangements in place. Someone else here should be able to tell you how that works.

He's horrid, you know? It's not just about an affair, it's the whole thing about his sense of entitlement and willingness to intimidate as well as deceive you. (It wouldn't surprise me if OW refused to take him in because she's seen it.)

fuzzynaval-I dont think I can legally do that? the house is in joint names

When is the lease up for renewal?

we are on a rolling contract

Sadly there's always more to it than the original post, these weak men have a habit of ticking all the same boxes don't they, my exH came out of the same mould as yours Op

Mugshot, have you any family who could take you and the dc in until you got on your feet?

You do realise that if you seek help and get him out. Inform the police, inform WA. Go to a refuge if you have to.

You''l jump to the top of the list for housing. You know this right? As dv is involved.

GET HIM OUT NOW. You can do it.

Also you can get legal aid if dv is involved still.

Also go to the council, they have deposit help schemes, you will qualify for as again dv is involved.

It means OUTING HIM though. I would things are gonna get worse love, not better x

buzzskeleton-no sadly my family wouldnt help, my mother is horrified at the thought of me ending up a single parent and also is a stuck up snob who lives in a posh house, she cant even bear to have the kids to visit, theres no way we could stay there.

You need to get WA involved, the council and I'd even say the police. The council usually require some kind of official reports before helping.

You can get out and you can leave him. Like I said it means outing him. Can you do that?

Id always had this image of DV being some nutter thrashing the living daylights out of their partner, my father was violent towards me and I thought I had the perfet marriage, but looking back I can see that he has subtley abused me emotionally, when I discovered his OW and affair, he re wrote history by saying it was my fault and the way I had treated him had driven him to it. He said I was hell to live with