H throws my agenda onto the floor, am I right to be upset? Warning - may seem trivial!

[wondering2]

Okay, brief synopsis - h walks past a ledge that is near the kitchen. The ledge is cluttered with my stuff. On the edge I had perched my diary (as in appointments etc). As he walked past he accidentally knocked the agenda off. Because he considered that it should not have been perched on the edge of the shelf he picked it up off the floor and threw it against our cabinet whereupon it landed open on the floor. He then picked it up and dumped it back onto the floor (closed this time).
I am hurt because I would not throw his stuff around and because the agenda represents what I am trying to do with my life on a day to day basis and means a lot to me. He probably has no idea what he even threw onto the floor, just that it was mine and "shouldn't have been there".
Would something like this upset you?

Honestly, no, right now, no not at all.

If it's upset you perhaps there is an underlying problem you need to identify and resolve.

No sorry, this wouldn't upset me in the slightest.

I would wonder why he was throwing it against the cabinet and then dumping it on the floor. Was he having a tantrum?

Do you irritate him with leaving stuff around the place and he gets niggled about it?

My DP hates things out of the place. Though he can get lost cos' he doesn't do any housework.

I would think 'err, what's up with you just now?'

I'd think 'Who pissed on his chips tonight' tbh and just look at him oddly

Did he throw it against the cabinet as in trying to get it to a more convenient position, or did he fling it around aggressively?

If the former I'd roll my eyes at him being clumsy and missing

If the latter, I'd be worried why something so tiny as a diary out of place would provoke such an extreme reaction

Thanks for answers - I like "who pissed on his chips tonight" and may have to start regularly thinking that to defuse my own annoyance.
Yes I do leave stuff around the place and yes it does annoy h. He leaves clutter around too but not in kitchen / kitchen table area like I do which are, I suppose, high traffic areas.
We have lots of unresolved issues so something like this is magnified in my mind. Am inclined to agree with you though ladyintheradiator!! He often has mini tantrums like this and the annoying thing is that they are unpredictable. I do also think that I am over sensitive though so it is good to get an array of opinions - thanks!

Missed your post purplepidjin - it was an aggressive thing but don't know how hard he threw it as ds was the one who saw the whole thing (I heard it though as I was in the room) and told me what had happened. He is prone to reacting aggressively to things and has a short fuse. His short temper is probably the trait in him that I dislike the most.

Definitely not trying to get it into a more convenient position.

DH leaves his shit lying around all the bloody time and it is a constant source of annoyance to me, but I don't then start lobbing his stuff around the place. That's just childish.

It would upset me yes. There's no need for aggressive behaviour.

I fear this diary thingy is the tip of the iceberg...

It's EXTREMELY aggressive actually, and NEEDLESS.

I do NOT like the sound of him at all!

I would freeze. DH occasionally reacts like this when under stress and I absolutely hate it, it terrifies me. Rationally, there's no reason for it to be too scary. However, it's quite useful as it signals there's something else going on. I tend to ask him if there's something major bothering him, usually in a high screechy voice and Henry VIII body language as I'm so petrified, and he will usually be able to say what's actually going on. I'm lucky that he won't actually obsess over the mess.

A lot of people do hate clutter though, which is fair enough to an extent. If he's a bit of a stressball it would be worth reducing the stress by adding some decluttering targets to the agenda. In some ways I would love to feel relaxed about the tides of mess in the way I used to, but in others it is quite nice to be a bit tidier these days.

My DH had a habit of leaving his paperwork on the kitchen table, loads of it, every single night. He knew how much it irritated me, especially as I had to ask him every single fucking night to clear the table so we could sit down to eat. I even cleared out a kitchen drawer so he could put it in there, but he didn't. One night I got so fed up of it I gathered the whole lot up and lashed it out of the kitchen window into the rain. Not proud of it at all but I'd really reached the end of my tether. So if it was that kind of thing then I can see where your DH was coming from - sorry.

Yes I freeze too when he does stuff like this (which never extends beyond the throwing stuff around and doesn't happen that often but often enough for me to know it is one of his reactions iyswim)... He IS a stressball but there is no point asking him what is bothering him (though I wish I could!) as he is generally always in a bad mood about work etc.... I agree decluttering would help all of us (however h will always find something to criticise!). Also agree that it is completely pointless to react like he did and is not something I would do - and there are piles of dh's stuff in various other parts of the house. It is reassuring to know that there are plently of other people who just would not throw stuff around!

Missed your post tooeasily... yes we have similar issues with our table and I do take your point.

Listen!

The PAIR of you with the stressball H's! FGS, this is unreasonable behaviour!

STOP trying to modify YOUR natural behaviour to accommodate THEIR tempers. If clutter is THAT bothering to them, then why not get their hairy thumbs out of their mouths/arses and help tidy/organise the house?

They have no right to be scaring EITHER of you.

They need telling. No matter how stressed life is, no matter what is going on at work IT IS NEVER OK TO THROW MY THINGS. It is NEVER OK to flip out at me.

I have nothing on my table barring a candelabra. I hate mess.

Yeah, it would probably upset me as I am nervous of extreme/weird emotional reactions. It would also make me think he was mental, if I saw him doing this, sorry- it just seems like the kind of thing my 2-year-old would do rather than an adult!

I agree Hissy I do about the intimidating part... But being able to have any kind of conversation about any of this would imply a better relationship than h and I have.
Your table sounds nice Fabby - I find it hard to keep on top of kids' clutter - drawings, pens, books etc...

Yes, mental is a good word too Wibbly!!! I think h feels powerless in the sense that the house cannot be exactly as he would like it to be, but I feel the same way about plenty of his stuff...

hissy, but what to do? I genuinely am very messy, and he has schizophrenia. An infrequent (like, three times a year) chucking of an inanimate object is not the worst that could happen. I know what you mean though; I do find myself thinking three steps ahead to smooth his path stress-wise, and know that if a friend told me they did the same, I would not think it a good thing. [shrug]

Yes it would upset me. I don't want to live with a grown man who throws stuff (especially my stuff!) around like a toddler having a tantrum. I'd find it absolutely bizarre and quite unpleasant behaviour.

You both need to really be honest with yourselves as to what there is IN all this for the both of you.

wondering2, he's not engaging with you to ask you to tidy your things, and tbh, if you have always been a bit untidy, about bloody time he got used to it isn't it? Or he could PAY for someone to tidy now couldn't he?

If you have problems big enough that you can't have a conversation like this, then you really need to be thinking about what your life will be long term.

Are you willing to put up with this for the next 20 years? what about when the kids go, are you going to be happy sharing a space with someone demanding that YOU keep everything shipshape, the way HE likes it, while he does nothing to contribute?

Joan (adore your name) what you describe in terms of thinking ahead, second guessing and planning your life to smooth his path is HELL! This is exactly how I used to live with my abusive X. It gave ulcers to my ulcers, the feeling of abject fear at the pit of my stomach is something I can still feel when I think back.

Neither of you should be living like this. Joan, your H has schizophrenia, well he ought to be going out of his way to making it worth your while to put up with him on his bad times, not have you living in fear until the next time he kicks off. You do know you have a choice in staying with this kind of scenario, don't you? Your soul was not sold into this.

If anyone is living with a neat freak, then THEY can help maintain the environment to the standard THEY are demanding. or they can STFU. It's not solely YOUR job to keep everything show room condition. And to flip out, throw things and rant and rave at US because THEY would prefer it tidier, is beyond despicable.

Does he generally behave as though it's fine for him to leave stuff around but that you should tidy up and pretend you don't have any stuff?
Because it's one thing for a stressed person to be irritated with an inanimate object and chuck it out of the way, a different matter when a man consistently behaves as though his wife is his servant and of lower status than him.