Preferences in children

[Figgis8]

Help. I have tried really hard to like my daughter and sometimes she can be quite nice, but she has a terrible temper and is Soooo stubborn. She is 3 1/2. I have a son who is 7 with Cerebal Palsy and has to have more attention at times than her.

Lately though I find myself feeling worried about what sort of relationship we will have when she is older. If she doesn't respect me (or anyone else for that matter) at this age, how are we going to relate to one another in her adolesence. The thought is petrifying and I feel as if I am already a faliure for her.

My son is a happy boy and we have a real connection and he is very sensitive. My dd tells me she loves me and I her and I believe her, but she seems to know all the right buttons to press to annoy me and I find myself constantly saying "I never had this with ds". Given the choice I would much rather spend time with my ds than dd, as it is much more rewarding and fun. In contrast time spent with dd is very hard work, demoralising and positively frustrating.

Help please!!!!

She is 3 1/2... I think that may be your answer. Your poor DD, give the girl a chance!! :(

It is very hard to be the NT sibling of a dc with a disability or SN. She is probably having to cope with getting LESS than a half share of your attention, is probably having to act a lot older than most 3.5yo's is probably having to come to terms with the fact that due to her sibling's disability, there are limitations on HER life, and many many more feelings that go along with being the NT sibling of someone with a disability. On top of which, she is just 3.5yo, and not yet able to process all the emotions that this throws up.

Have you thought about contacting a Young Carers' group local to you and seeing if there is anything they can offer your DD? It has been very helpful for my DS1 to attend a young carer's group, they often have counsellors there that dc can open up with, to offload some of those worries.

Having been the NT sibling to my Dbro who has Aspergers Syndrome, I found I was expected to behave so much better than the 'average' child of my age, and I had so many worries and emotions thrown up by having a sibling with a disability - but I didn't want to talk to my parents about it, as they were 'busy' with my Dbro, I didn't want to give them more to worry about, and also, I was already seen as the 'difficult' one. Much like you describe your 3.5yo DD. . That sort of thing sticks with a child, you know.

PLEASE try to understand that every child has a different personality, and your 3.5yo DD has more to cope with than most children that young. She also has to cope with having to be sidelined when your older dc needs you medically.

Definately try to get some help from your local Young Carers group for your DD. And also some one-on-one time with just you and her too.

She is 3 1/2.

she has barely got out of babyhood and you are trying to label her for the rest of her life. Are you the same person you are when you were 3? 10? 14?

It's a difficult age for any child. Be firm but fair. Set boundaries and stick to them. Be patient and understanding. Play with her. Spend time with her on her own whenever you can. Do not shout at her or compare her to her sibling. Do not let her know how you feel about preferring him. Definately do not tell her you never had this trouble with him. Love her, tell her you love her, show her you love her with your actions and words. Praise the good, ignore the attention seeking bad where possible. Appreciate her, laugh with her, draw with her, sing with her. You will never have these years again. Treasure her.

OP, I do sympathise with you. My DD is 3 as well and I definitely have a love/hate relationship with her for much of the time. When she is good, she is very very good, and when she is bad she is horrid!

There is no doubt she's a strong personality and also knows how to push my buttons! Whereas I am a less-strong personality and prefer a quiet life. The "me me me" of toddlerhood drives me insane as I am (or at least I like to think I am) a giving person. I have sacrificed much to become a mum and DD is supremely ungrateful. Such is motherhood!

I also have a baby DS who has been a much easier, happier baby than she ever was (so far). They are very different, but I love them both. I have mulled over the question of whether I prefer one of them to the other, and I honestly don't believe I do.

I think the mum/daughter relationship is a very tough one. Could it be that your DD is very similar to you and that's what is causing the friction? FWIW, I do think raising girls is more challenging in these early years than boys, based on discussions with friend's and my own experiences to date.

Although from this end of bringing up kids (ie mine are grown) it seems to have all gone by in a total flash, the reality is that, when you're living through them, the years dawdle along unbelievably slowly. The difference between, say, 3 and 9 is vast. She may be a madam at the mo (good points above btw re your son's needs possibly drowning out hers) but they go through dramatic changes as they grow up - you're left wondering if it is the same child.

I'm going to make a very strong generalisation now: kids who make a fuss and are difficult, one way or another, often have a more fragile sense of self. Whilst I appreciate your strong feelings (I have a very very challenging daughter myself), please don't give into any favouritism. Please. It is extremely damaging to the self-esteem of the less favoured (I'm sure you know this).

The only way in which her behaviour at 3 could become some kind of predictor for your relationship later on is if your expectations of her become a self-fulfilling prophecy- which rests with you. My dd was definitely challenging at that age but is now a very mature and sensible teen, and our relationship doesn't seem to have come to any harm.

(Ds otoh who was a very laidback and charming toddler is quite a challenging 11yo- though I would still say we have a very good relationship.)