Help,i feel like i'm going mad!long sorry.

[myddlovesdogs]

Hi, new to this so bear with me & spelling mistakes! Where to start?My h & i have been together 10 years,married for 6.We have 3 dc's,dd9,ds5&ds2. I feel our marriage is over, it went drastically down hill as soon as youngest was born.H just could not cope with ds3,he slept downstairs for the first 2 months leaving me to cope with my newborn alone,he was totally unsupportive in every aspect & i ended up on anti depressants trying to cope with it all.At this point i still loved him v much & his attitude & behaviour hurt me deeply.I tried to remian +ve & came off the pills after 6 months.Things got better for a while & i thought he was accepting that we are now a 5 person family but it all went downhill again.He does love the dcs but does nothing to help out, every few weeks we'd have a big talk & i'd ask him to help more,he would for a while then he'd go back to being detached.we have a big age gap (19yrs) & he says things like he's too old for all this,or he just plain can't be bothered.Every time he says these things it hurt a little more.He works part time doing a max of 25hrs a week.To be honest he is just plain lazy.
I'm at the point now that all my love for him has gone,I only feel resentment, he is horrible to dcs at times & they are a little scared of him, though he is never physically abusive to them or me.
I laid my cards on the table about a month ago & told him i'd had enough & i wanted to end the relationship. He is begging & pleading that we should try again but I don't think my hearts in it anymore(v confused),he is trying harder now to help out than he ever has before(putting kids to bed,bathing them,something he's never ever done!).
The thought of separating is so overwhelming I'm just going along with it for now,I'm worried sick about dcs & effect break up will have on them.It really is making me feel ill&that is affecting dcs so i know i have to do something soon.I envy freinds who are single mums,I feel it would be so much easier on my own&i know i would be happier.
H is totally overbearing,he keeps wanting to kiss & cuddle,i know hes feeling insecure & wants me to reassure him that it'll all be ok but i can't do that,he also keeps wanting sex as hes says being intimate is the way he knows i' m ok with him.I just can't bear him near me & keep going to bed early to aviod him.I also feel sorry for him but feel that it is the way he's behaved has led me to feel the way i do.
Sorry,all a bit garbled,i'm in a big mess&i know only i can sort it,it's just nice to know that others have felt this way & survived,how did you do it??

I've been there, except we had been together less time and only had one child together. Same big age gap and him being a lazy sod, though.

To be honest, you sound like you KNOW what you want deep down which is to split up, so why are you 'going along with it'? Him being 'totally overbearing' sounds a real turn off and would just seal the deal for me. Does he not understand that you can't reassure him to make HIM feel better because he has been behaving like a twat for too long? It's like he's making it all about him so you run around trying to reassure and placate him and forget that actually you had been fed up with him and you'd wanted to end the relationship.

Basically you have to have enough belief that your life will be better afterwards to merit going through the admittedly stressful process of ending things and disengaging. It took me three goes but third time was the charm and now I am very very happy :) I am a single parent and live in a nice place, and I currently have the heating on in the morning which would never have been allowed under XP's rule. Money is tight but I'm happy and at peace and you can't put a price on that. I'm seeing someone who treats me with respect and who helps out equally while at mine, and it's a breath of fresh air.

Basically it's all about feeling deep down that you deserve better, and that can take some time to cement in your mind (and heart). Once you are ready to leave, make and apt at CAB, have a free half hour with a solicitor, and look at entitledto.com to work out what is the best way to do things. Then leave him, don't look back and be happy

By the way, I wouldn't worry about the effect on the kids; if they are already 'scared' of him sometimes I'd guess they will be far happier with just you and a stable secure home filled with love and peacefulness. Workload-wise, you're doing most of it anyway (until your H started pretending to pull his weight to stop you leaving ) so it won't be much of a shock. You can do it!

i also have been in a very similar position with much the same feelings. I agree you KNOW what you must do and he is only pretending to help to stop you leaving.

the effect that the break up will have on your kids pale into insignificance compared with the effect staying will have - it took me a long time to realise this, and then it took me a long time to believe it. But it is true. no doubt

be strong, good luck

I got through it because the thought of staying was worse than the thought of what leaving entailed. I just KNEW there was no choice any more. And although my situation was completely different to yours, I can say that now I'm through the other side, I love being responsible for the important decisions in life and able to do things how I want to do them, without some ...... undermining/dominating/making bonkers unilateral decisions. I'm not well off financially but in every way I'm happier, healthier and at peace than I was when I was married. I wish I'd not waited as long as I had and left years before I eventually did. I don't like knowing I wasted so many years (23) on a relationship that was toxic. The kids will be happier if you are. I agree with what everyone else has said so far on here. Take one day at a time, make daily to-do lists (even if you don't get through them, they might help you prioritise what needs to be done); have faith in yourself. You will get through it. Absolutely.

Thank you so much,feel a bit more level now.Yes I do know in my heart what i have to do.Have already been to cab&got some advice.Its just the whole having to live with him until one of us finds somewhere to live.Hes good at emotional blackmail,things like,"i'm breaking the family up""kids will never forgive me".One minute I'm ok&feeling strong,next i'm falling apart.Guess it's all part of it.x

Hes good at emotional blackmail,things like,"i'm breaking the family up""kids will never forgive me"

Well, that tells you straight away you are making the right decision. He may have decided to pull his socks up in the past month, in an attempt to stop you from leaving, but he never intended to really alter how he treated you. Now that has failed, he's gone straight to emotional blackmail as a further attempt to coerce you. He doesn't care how you feel, only that you don't dare to alter his cosy, self-serving arrangement.

Stay strong, lovesdogs.

As you've described him as somewhat overbearing and authoritarian, you may find it easier to get him to come to terms with the fact that it's over - if, in fact, this is what you want - by enlisting the help of a third party such as Relate.

It's be hoped that, at the very least, you may be able to reach some mutual understanding that will enable you to proceed to separate/divorce without causing unnecessary distress and/or disruption to the dc.

i have no experience of counselling, but wise ladies on here recommend absolutely not never going to counselling with an abusive partner; because, i think, they are not reasonable people so it is in vain. but also, because they often manipulate the counsellor and it gives them new ammunition and tactics (they've had a look inside your head)

Thanks,ive thought about relate,he thinks its good idea to save our marriage but i feel im past that point.Never thought of it to help to get him to accept my decision.Just so confused about where to go from here,we rent our house from his parents so its v awkward,they will prob be on my side as they know what hes like but its a bit of an unknown.I just want him to leave as the upheaval of moving with the kids is terrifying.Ive asked him to leave & hes refused which i think he has the right to by law.He says its my decision&choice & i should leave,i would if i had somewhere to go!The housing waiting list is horrendous where i live&private renting is equally as bad as most are no dss(i.m not currently working)or no kids.Arrrgh,just so scared.I should prob see a solicitor for a free half hour.I just feel such a wimp at mo,its a hard job just to pick up the phone & make the calls.