Raising Girls

[MsGee]

I'm not sure this is the right board but my thoughts on this are informed by reading posts here, so ...

I have a 3 1/2 year old DD and I am generally an anxious mother (3 pregnancy losses, abuse in childhood, early abusive relationships ... all the right ingredients to be generally paranoid!). I had a rough time of it when younger as I had no confidence or self esteem and therefore had a lot of unhealthy relationships. I don't know if its luck or sense that I married someone who is lovely.

Anyway, my dilemma is - how do I both protect my DD from everything that I worry about (essentially everything) and give her the freedom to become strong and confident?

At what point does my attempts at boosting her confidence and self esteem become OTT? She is constantly told she is loved, given general and specific praise daily. I just want her to have a strong foundation of unconditional love to build her esteem on.

Essentially I want to raise a strong, resilient woman. I just also want to protect her from the entire world. So wise woman of this board. How the fuck do I manage that?

I don't usually post on here (more of a lurker) so not sure I'm a paid up wise woman! But I have two dds (5 and 2) so I have the same concerns about raising strong resilient women.

I would say if you trust your partner's judgement, let him tell you if he thinks you're being OTT. Otherwise it sounds like you're doing great :)

You can't protect her from the entire world. You can only try to equip her with the tools for coping with it. Shit will happen just as good stuff will happen, and she needs to know how to handle it. Like teaching her to cross the road safely, rather than not letting her cross it by herself until she's 30; or comforting her when her best friend at nursery school won't sit next to her, explaining about little children being capricious sometimes, rather than not letting her mix with other children in case she gets snubbed. Inoculate her against the world by introducing her to it gradually and letting her know you're always behind her, until she can find her own feet.

Yes, you'll worry, of course you will, because you care. But with everything you had to go through, you're still here aren't you? You can teach your DD the lessons that you had to learn the hard way, so that hopefully she will learn them the easy way. However, sometimes she'll take knocks, it's just Life, not the end of the world. She might be your precious little angel but she is also a human being, and human beings are quite tough!

Hi MsGee
I had the same issue (abusive background, abusive first marriage etc.). I think when my met my now DH it was luck that he is a good man who treated me with respect, which in turn gave me the confidence to grow as a person. At that point in my life I certainly wasn't strong enough to feel I deserved respect. Fast forward 10 years, and I've also had counselling which has helped. Now I'm much stronger, and I have a good relationship because of that.

With regard to my DD (and my DS) I'm just doing my best to raise them to be strong, confident, caring individuals. I have to say the couselling has really helped me see my behaviour that helps that, and the behaviour that is OTT.

I tell my children I love them every day (because no-one ever said that to me as a child, and I think it's a great thing to hear!). I talk to them about thier day at pre-school/school, but I don't interrogate them about the details of what happened. I trust that if they need to talk to me about something then they will.

We talk about emotions, and how they can make you feel e.g. if I'm angry with them for something then once I'm calm we will discuss how I reacted, and how I felt, how they felt etc. And I always apologise if I do something wrong, and I expect them to do the same.

I also really trust my DH, he grew up with a brother and a sister all of whom are confident adults. So I think his parents did a good job, and I rely on him to help me see things clearly.

talk to them rather than at them and tell them you love them each day. Simple

I can't add much more advice that the excellent replies here already. Your post reminds me of an extract from a poem by Sylvia Plath about loving your child.

'How long can I be a wall, keeping the wind off?
How long can I be
Gentling the sun with the shade of my hand,
Intercepting the blue bolts of a cold moon?
The voices of loneliness, the voices of sorrow
Lap at my back ineluctably.
How shall it soften them, this little lullaby?

How long can I be a wall around my green property?
How long can my hands
Be a bandage to his hurt, and my words
Bright birds in the sky, consoling, consoling?
It is a terrible thing
To be so open: it is as if my heart
Put on a face and walked into the world.'

I love that poem

You can only do your best. Give her the emotional tools to cope, be there when it goes wrong (and sometimes they will) make sure she is in no doubt that she knows you as parents are on her side. You may not tell her what she wants to hear but what she needs to hear and that you'll be there for her no matter what.

i was discussing exactly this with a friend last night.

we decided the best thing was to heal yourself and lead by exampe of having good self-esteem and healthy boundaries, by EXPECTING love and respect for yourself

maybe?

Lots of great ideas from everyone. I have a few practical tips: I think with physical risk and things like being dirty, not having the exact right equipment, etc, you should err on the side of being adventurous. In other words, see small injuries, dangers, mishaps, etc as opportunities to find out that you can skin your knee or forget your favourite sand toy and it really doesn't matter. I see parents making a big fuss over things which the kids might not be bothered about, and this happens especially with PFB's and only children. Try not to worry about things which are not life threatening. (It's up to you to decide if something is life threatening or not and you may decide sugar and TV are life threatening.)
Also, I would make sure you let her lead her own life as she gets older, so she doesn't depend on you for CONSTANT feedback and praise. Some parents are just always encouraging their kids, and it almost feels self serving, so make sure that she realizes that the important thing is that SHE enjoys the process of making her picture, not that Mummy thinks it's beautiful.
Sometimes parents see childhood emotional problems from an adult's perspective. Your daughter may not notice she didn't get a party invite, so follow her cue, and don't let yourself feel hurt on her behalf. You have to be extremely sensitive to pick up on these sorts of things without projecting your own feelings onto her.

As a mother of 3 dds (10,9,3) and as a former teacher, I really really recommend the book 'Raising Confident Girls' by Ian and Mary Grant. Reading it at the moment and lots of sound advice.

DrinkYourWeak
What a fantastic poem. Thank you for posting it. It's awfully sad she didn't manage to protect her children from herself.

Yes very true; it's spot on re motherhood but especially poignant because of Sylvia herself

snailoon's advice is good.

Definitely be brave in front of her

Don't wander out loud what other people think of you.

Don't gossip or judge in front of her.

Praise what she does not just what she is.

'Have her back' there were a couple of incidents in my DDs early years where I stuck my neck out and defended them.

snailoon Tue 01-Nov-11 09:52:11
Lots of great ideas from everyone. I have a few practical tips: I think with physical risk and things like being dirty, not having the exact right equipment, etc, you should err on the side of being adventurous. In other words, see small injuries, dangers, mishaps, etc as opportunities to find out that you can skin your knee or forget your favourite sand toy and it really doesn't matter. I see parents making a big fuss over things which the kids might not be bothered about, and this happens especially with PFB's and only children. Try not to worry about things which are not life threatening. (It's up to you to decide if something is life threatening or not and you may decide sugar and TV are life threatening.)
Also, I would make sure you let her lead her own life as she gets older, so she doesn't depend on you for CONSTANT feedback and praise. Some parents are just always encouraging their kids, and it almost feels self serving, so make sure that she realizes that the important thing is that SHE enjoys the process of making her picture, not that Mummy thinks it's beautiful.
Sometimes parents see childhood emotional problems from an adult's perspective. Your daughter may not notice she didn't get a party invite, so follow her cue, and don't let yourself feel hurt on her behalf. You have to be extremely sensitive to pick up on these sorts of things without projecting your own feelings onto her.

I have copied this and stuck it on my fridge, too many things that remind me of my poor parenting and some fabulous tips. You've made me cry today, in a real and just way. Thank you so much for posting this.

I think a lot of whether a girl grows into a strong, confident woman and a lot of what type of relationships a girl will have comes from a girl's relationship with men from birth, i.e. presence of a father figure, what type of father figure (was he emotionally distant, engaged, loving but weak, loving but overbearing etc).

I also think if a girl has no father figure, she will take a lot of how she relates to the world from her mother, including how the mother relates to men, what type of relationship the mother has with men etc. For me, it would be pretty important that I would have resolved any man issues before raising a daughter, or at least that I'd understand how much my own relationship with men would be influenced by my relationship with my own father, and try and address issues there if possible.

I second jenifersofias book recommendation.

Ooh, will order the book, thank you for all the replies.

I must admit I didn't really think of DH role in all of this. I think that DD is lucky to have him as a father, as he is very good with her and very supportive of me, so all in all a good role model. I do try to be adventurous - every so often have silly days where we can do daft things so that I can encourage her to take small risks and disrupt the routine. DH takes her to the park and lets her take risks that would have me freaking out - a conscious decision really on our part as we think its good for her and he is better at doing that.

I'm also hopeful that she has inherited part of DH personality - the part that really doesn't give a shit about peer pressure. I cared so much about what others thought of me and was desperate for any kind of approval. He on the other hand is oblivious. She seems to do her own thing with her friends which gives me hope that she will be her own person. (she certainly does not listen to me).

Its very important that she knows that she can talk to me. I never talked to my parents about the abuse and I think that made it all the worse (in fact sometimes I think that was the worst thing). I hope that even if anyone hurts her she knows that a) she can tell me and b) that I will do something about it. So if she tells me she is upset about nursery and something that happened I talk to her about how I can chat to her key worker and we can find a solution. (okay maybe sometimes I am totall PFB).

Strangely enough after losing the third baby, I have relaxed a little as part of me thinks the worst has happened (although the other part of me is terrified of anything happening to my lovely daughter).

I love the Sylvia Plath poem, as a depressed teenager I obsessed studied her.

You sound an amazing Mum. Perceptive, self-aware, aware, intuitive and wise. Your DD is a lucky kid.

Oh thank you!! Mostly I feel crap at it so that's lovely to hear.

Check this book out as well

www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Daughter-Girls-Schools-Association/dp/0007371225/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1320175304&sr=1-3

hth sounds like your daughter is in safe hands