Would this concern you?

[stayforappledunking]

STBXH and I separated 4 months back, he takes the kids to his at weekends.

Two weekends ago, my 20 month old came back with a burn on his palm. STBXh didnt tell me about it, I only noticed when I went to wipe his hand after he was eating lunch and he cried. I was really cross he hadnt informed me. He apparently tripped over a bean bag and burned his hand on the fire place. Which then meant I found out he didnt have a fire guard.

Tonight my flat mate looked after my younger two when I took the older two out for halloween. The kids have just been at his this weekend past. She was playing with his hair and felt something. He had a cut, quite long, under his hair. I hadnt noticed because of it being under his hair. She asked the ex and he said my son fell and hit his head off the tv unit. But again I wasnt told.

Things have been quite fraught between us, but I feel I have to say something. Accidents happen yes, obviously I have already told him to get a fire guard and he has, but its the fact he is not telling me. Like he is hiding it.

Of course it would concern me. He needs to be told how important it is to communicate with you about accidents.

That's terrible, I would be really worried. If it's happening every time, I don't think I'd want them going over tbh and suggest he visit at your place or you all go out together.

He has always been very...flippant...about such things, throughout our marriage and tends to try to make me feel a bit of a drama queen. Its not that I think he is some terrible negligent father, its just that I should know, especially with head injuries. How do I get it across to him that its important, I know I am just going to get the usual brush off or it will start yet another arguement that I am getting so weary of.

When he returns your son after each visit ask him, 'Were there any accidents or injuries?' Does he realise that you need to be aware of any bump to the head as an injury may not be apparant immediately but could be potentially life-threatening if you are not alert to symptoms of head injury. Also, does he know the symptoms himself.

If he regularly injures himself at your ex's I would suggest that he is not supervising him properly.

He probably doesnt SF, he is so laid back he may as well be horizontal. I know he loves the kids and wouldnt want any harm coming to them, I just feel really upset that my son has had an injury I wasnt made aware of. Same as I would had it happened at nursery and I hadnt been informed. He was really sleepy today, I put it down to just starting nursery and it probably was, but had I known there was a head injury, I would have been more alert. Obviously I am not NOT going to say anything because it might cause trouble, its way too important to be dismissive, I just dont know how I can get it through to him that I need to know such things. In eight years of marriage I couldnt.

It should cause trouble- spell it put that closer supervision and better communication are key to him retaining unsupervised access.

I agree with Lebof he has a duty to keep the child safe and if he can't or won't he will need a responsible adult with him when he has your ds. Accidents do happen but if you are 'horizontal' about safety that is negligent.

Start a contact book - little notebook in with their things when you do handovers - to record any incidents etc. You can note whether they had a good/poor night, illnesses and accidents.

It's a low conflict way of communicating issues that might feel difficult. It might encourage him to tell you things he could feel uncomfortable about and you to let him know things without seeming prescriptive (ie little johnny was up at 3 and needs an early night)

If those things had happened when they were with you, would you have told him?

Course I would tell him though generally aside from the odd tripping over their own feet, there is nothing to tell.

I have spoken to him now and although initially he got defensive, he has said he will let me know from now on and that he just 'forgot'.