Can you help me get some perspective?

[NotSureofTheLaw]

My mother has always given my brother things she didn't give me. Last week I found out she has paid the deposit on his house. ( she is a very wealthy woman). She has never given me a penny. When my dad died she tried to give him dads car but my brother had no driving liscence and lived in central london so he said no. I had a license but no car. She told him not to tell me and sold it. She has sworn him to secrecy every time she does somethinglike this but he tells me anyway . When I went to uni I wasn't given maintenance - my brother had his rent paid, his fees, and a full allowance. He was sworn to secrecy but told me anyway. He earns 55k and lives alone . My household income for 4 of us is 38k. She gave him 20k as a deposit and told him not to tell me. I could bore you all night with sob stories - it's always been like this. It's her money - she can do what she likes but I get so hurt. She says if I talk about it that I'm married and he's all alone and she worries about him and as hes in london he cant get a deoosit together but that was never the case before. I am thinking of just giving up on her. She can continue to try to buy my kids attention but I'll just go out. I'm tired of being made to feel crap.

That's awful. It's not even the difference in the way that she treats you but it's the wedge her actions must place in your relationship with your brother that is so divisive. I'm in two minds about what I think about his actions in this but if I were him, I would share what your mother gives him, with you. Poor you. I can only imagine how this must make you feel.

What's your relationship like otherwise? Are you close? Do you see her much? Does she know what your family's income is? If you needed some money would you be able to ask her and how would she respond?

Is she a bit old fashioned? (thinking about the car - maybe it wouldn't occur to her to give a car to a daughter)

Sounds like an awful situation

We never were close - she was a difficult mother . The idea of her giving me any money is laughable and I don't expect it - she knows I know about all this stuff but never once said 'ill give you some' - I just wish she'd not make me feel so bad by treating us so very differently , hiding it then shrugging and saying the fact that I have a husband (or boyfriend as he was at uni) means I'm nothing to do with her. He's single but somehow I doubt a wife would stop this. He got a 600 quid suit in front of me this Christmas and she just bought stuff for my kids to the same value and considered this even. Is it? I can't tell any more. She acts like I'm behaving childishly

I do think the Christmas thing is reasonable. Presents at Christmas are for children, and in my family only the single grown ups get special presents from our parents, because the rest of us have a spouse to spoil us.

She says you are being childish and she knows you know despite her asking your brother not to tell you stuff - is this because you have confronted her about it? I just wonder if she doesn't give you money because you complain about not being given it, iyswim. If you come across to her as 'entitled' it might really put her off wanting to share her wealth with you.

I'm not saying the situation isn't horrible for you though. It sounds really hurtful.

It's not equal, Notsureof, and you are not being childish. I have two children and I would never dream of treating them differently, financially. I have different relationships with them though, both equally close but just different. Share hobby interests with my eldest as she and I are both single and have time on our hands, and I share grandchildren and family days with my youngest, as that is what her stage of life requires us to do. I enjoy both times together and am happiest when we are all together with no tensions. Your mother is strange!

If he's telling you all this , what s stopped him from sharing the money with you?

Write her a letter?

I kind of agree with Maleficence. There's nothing to stop your brother giving you a share of what she gives him, if he agrees it's unfair.

He could even tell her what she does is unfair and he'll be sharing - it sounds like currently he takes what she gives him, goes along with her swearing to secrecy and then comes and spills his guts to you... Which makes him a bit of a slime-ball, really...

Either he should grow a pair and stand up for you, or he should stop telling you about her favouritism & largesse to him. What is he getting out of telling you this? It just seems pretty fucked up all over.

Thank you for your replies. I really am trying to see if I'm being touchy or if she is being harsh. I think I genuinely would rather it was me so that I could give myself a shake down and that would be. I haven't really confronted as such - I just told her that my brother always tells me this stuff so there don't need to be lies. We never fight or anything - she just says 'it's not favoritism, you have mr notsure to look after you darling, he has noone' . But this even applied at uni when he was a boyfriend and not a husband and in no way able to provide as a student himself. My brother got sent away with plates and pans and I quietly pointed out I was still a student and didn't have some of this stuff and she stonewalled it. This was nearly a decade ago and it still stings

My brother doesn't think it's unfair - he said and I quote 'if I had a child stuck in the London trap unable to get on the property ladder then I would help them too - you have a mortgage already,you don't need the help'

Notsure I understand how you feel. my DH is the less favoured child - SIL gets everything on a plate and he gets nothing. my inlaws extend it to the grandchildren as well - SILs two are perfect, get all sorts of lovely things - not just Christmas and birthdays, but all year round - and my two are left out in the cold.

it hurts. not sure what you can do really, except try and rise above it and stick to your nuclear family to at least give yourself a kind of emotional barrier.

I think I genuinely would rather it was me so that I could give myself a shake down and that would be.

See, that's typical. You've been treated poorly your entire life by your mother - the person who is meant to nurture you and show you unconditional love in childhood to build up your self-esteem. That didn't happen, so you found an explanation to it (unconsciously): "Since mother doesn't love me, and mother is sacred and can never be wrong, then I must be the one who is guilty of something to deserve this treatment".

By saying that you would rather the fault came from you even now, you are still following that reasoning.

Learn to place the responsibility for your mother's behaviour on the shoulders of the person it belongs on: your mother. You do not make her act this way towards you: she chooses to.

He treatment of you is unfair and hurtful. You have every right to be upset about it.

I grew up with this on a smaller scale and it still rankles, so I know how you feel.

The first thing that strikes me is that he tells you. Is he deriving some sort of enjoyment from telling you? Why doesn't he keep it quiet, do you think?

I do think the difference in your salaries is a red herring. He has taken one path in life and you've taken another. It doesn't matter what his salary is now. Your mum did this when you both had little. She is still doing it. Don't make it feel more unfair because he earns more than you do. It's unfair and really quite vicious that she ever started doing this at all. That's enough. Don't let yourself feel worse because he needs the money less at the moment. She would be doing this anyway. (Hope that makes sense. It's hard to explain. I think I mean, don't let yourself fall into feeling even more of a victim of unfairness because it isn't the fact that he doesn't need money that's the issue.)

What would happen if you were to ask her why she does this? Could you do that? It seems you have nothing to lose?

Oh what kind replies boschy it'sme and laprune - i admit I shed a little tear. I have no happy memories of her - she's not very pleasant. I think I feel ready to detach - it will be a release

All the best.
I'm sure she'll have some choice things to tell you about being a money-grabber or similar. Practise your responses!

You don't actually have to make a big thing about detaching. You can just quietly be more and more unavailable.

Next time your brother starts to tell you about some gift, interrupt and tell him firmly that you don't want to know.

Are you expected to do things for your mum, btw? Who does she turn to for help when she needs it? I'm not sure how old she is and you don't mention your dad.

Yes can I second that - you don't need to say "I want as little as possible from you" - I have done it by simply choosing when to answer the phone, and almost never ringing her, not responding to emails, and asking that if I visit, we don't do things like drive round her godawful family so we can be shown off like a prize cow with her calf. (I put it more sensibly than that ).

I also never tell her my plans and I pretend my life is really boring. No scenes, but very satisfying.

I think you're very brave to even consider speaking to her about it - DH certainly wont do it, so I take prune's approach and am just rather distant and as she says 'unavailable' with the in-laws.

for example, they say "it would be lovely to have the girls to come and say" and I say "oh yes". then they never ever issue an invitation, while meanwhile the cousins are taken to London theatres etc a good 4 times a year. I appreciate I could push it, but I have come to the point of view that the ball is in THEIR court; and they compare the cousins unfavourably to my girls anyway so I'm not keen to expose them to it. not in a blunt way, but sort of "oh you are funny! J never/always does x and y and z". x y and z being things that fit in with the inlaws perceptions of correctness.

sorry, turning into a rant and all about me!! but I do think the distance tactic is a good one, because it gives you some protection rather than a nasty confrontation which your mum may well turn into ammo against you in the future.