I've been married to DH 14 years and we have a 12 year old DS. When I first met DH we were just friends but he really liked me, treated me so well and gave me so much attention I fell in love with him, and very quickly decided to get married. I didn't find him physically attractive and so I'd say there's never been any chemistry between us but I loved been with him and cuddling him. In bed he was quite inexperienced but over time he got better and I enjoyed it, although it was never passionate. I believed that him being a good man was more important and that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.
But now I realise I don't want to be with him any more. I don't love him and I don't want to touch, kiss or cuddle let alone have sex.
I look back and realise that we've not really been close since DS came along. I've always gone to bed earlier and he's always got up earlier than me, so no intimate lying together talking and being with each other like the early days. I guess that's normal for a lot of couples? Sex has happened but not because I've really wanted to do it, but because I've felt I should.
We've always got on but I feel like we're just friends rather than a couple. We don't argue - we both compromise if we disagree with something, or we know each other well enough to not do the things that annoys the other. We do some things together but a lot of the time at home he's on his pc and I'm on mine, or I'm doing something with DS.
We've had quite a few years of stressful moving around and other stuff and all the time I've not been happy with our relationship but I guess not been brave to admit it to myself. We finally settled somewhere earlier this year and its hit me that this is it and I'm not happy, I don't love him any more. I didn't know what to say or do but I think my behaviour must have changed because DH eventually asked me what was wrong and I told him I don't love him any more. He was shocked and devastated. I bought a book for us (I love you but I'm not in love with you) in the hope that that might help but I couldn't relate to it. We're going to Relate and whilst that has helped us talk we're now stuck.
I feel like its over and I want to leave. But DH is looking for reasons and wants something to fix. But I just don't know what to say. We've talked about losing closeness, his dependency on me for everything, me wanting some independence, me not finding him attractive, but there's nothing there that I can see that if he makes changes it'll make me feel any different about him. He's surprised that I want to give up so easily, but for me I've felt things have been wrong for years and it's too late. I keep reading about other people on here and other forums looking for the answers but I feel like I'm looking for an answer that's not there.
I think eventually I will just leave but I was hoping that I could leave with him understanding that it's over but instead it feels like I'll be leaving with him still wondering why.