stalemate

[lelainapierce]

Dp and I are at a stalemate. We have fallen out over something relatively trivial, but, for me it's 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. He's refusing to apologise and I'm refusing to speak to him until he does. (This is so immature, I know )

There has been a recent power shift in our relationship, in that I'm now sure to have much greater lifetime earning potential than him. Financial dependence has probably been one of the things that has kept us together the past few years. I think it's probably inevitabel that we will split eventually, it's just a matter of whether it will be sooner rather than later. tbh I really dont have the time or energy for the hassle atm and so would put up with trundling along for the next while.

Our problems aren't all his fault. I'm not the easiest person to live with and we were probably never compatible in the first place. But now we have 2 Dcs, a home, a routine. I cant imagine turning all that upside down. Or maybe it is workable and I'm just thinking the grass is greener? (so confused)

I can see a split becoming acrimonious- there is no way we'd stay friends- we have nothing in common (except the kids) and never socialised together anyway. But maybe I would miss him? How will I be able to tell until it's too late?

I'm scared of the future now. I was very ill for a while and very dependent on him. I dont know what would happen if I got ill again if I was on my own. He is a really good parent (in some ways better than me) so I do 'delegate' a lot to him. I'm not used to being on my own with the DCs, what if I couldn't cope?

We are living in a house that is too small for us and that is probably contributing to our relationship problems. But I cant help blame him for not being good enough with money or building a good career to contribute towards the cost of somewhere else. If I want to move I'll have to pay for it. But the house wouldn't feel so small if he wasn't in it.

He's in his 30s but he'd never had a 'big' relationship before me and I feel like I'm always having to instruct him on how to be a DP. He doesn't give me a kiss when he comes in or even if he's been away for a while. He says 'I love you' less than once a year. He never wants to sit and cuddle on the couch with me and watch a dvd- I feel like I'm last on the list of his priorities. When he does sit with me he sits in silence and I find that really unnerving and it causes lots of arguments. He's just not 'chatty' like I am.

I cant talk about this stuff to anyone IRL because they all think he's wonderful because he does so much housework and babysitting/shared care. Maybe when it's all balanced out he is a good guy and I'm the one being a bitch. I'd like another child so I do want to be in a relationship. what if I find out (too late) that all the other guys out there are w***s? I mean he doesn't use porn, go out to the pub, get drunk, work mad hours, have affairs, abuse me, stop me going out, not share his wages, all the other awful stuff I read about on these boards. I feel very lucky when I read those threads.

I dont know. I dont know how I feel or what I want. My DCs are sensitive and I worry how they'd cope with a split. Sorry for the long stream of consciousness, I think I just needed to get that all out.

Hi lela - I'm sorry you're feeling this way - how do you feel now that you've got that all out?

Can I ask how you met and what drew you together in the first place?

Why did you ever have children? Seriously in one part of your post I feel he was okay whilst you needed him now that you don't he can fuck off and isn't good enough.

Wow, so many issues here OP.

There has been a recent power shift in our relationship, in that I'm now sure to have much greater lifetime earning potential than him

I don't think either of you should hold the 'power' in a relationship, but how does what either of you earn relate to that anyway? If you are married everything you own belongs to you both.

You don't want to live with him anymore but you are staying because

I really dont have the time or energy for the hassle
I dont know what would happen if I got ill again if I was on my own
we have 2 Dcs, a home, a routine
what if I couldn't cope
If I want to move I'll have to pay for it

These are not reasons to be in a relationship with someone. Do you love him, care for him, value and respect him, communicate with him, share, have fun, enjoy his company.

It sounds like you want him to read your mind, to know what you want and to provide it for you. What about what he wants, or you both want as a couple.

I feel like I'm always having to instruct him on how to be a DP

Do you realise how arrogant you sound. Blimey, OP, you might be doing him a favour if you left him .

Tye- he drew me in by saying he wanted to get married and have babies. He lied. He didnt suffocate me at first which i liked because i had a busy life but later i realised that he was/is emotionally unavailable. He is charming, polite, intelligent, gsoh, but i just wish he was honest.

Fabby-yes i did HAVE to stay with him, when i didnt want to when i was ill. It was that or go into hospital and have the dcs go into care. You're right in that i dont think he's good enough for me. I have resentment going back years, he did things that when i came on here and told the stories almost all of you told me i should leave him.

Scarey- not married, tbh i think he'd sponge off me if we were. He's hopeless with money. Spends all he earns. Borrows money and expects me to pay it back without even asking me.
Love? No
Care? No
Respect? No
Value? No
Communicate? No
Have fun? No
Enjoy company? No
You're probably right in that maybe some of my expectations are too high. I dont expect him to literally read my mind but after several years together i expect him to be able to pick up on my emotions. I think he should, by now, have an idea of what i want/like. Is this unreasonable?
We dont have wants as a couple. He never says 'we' and sees us as 2 seperate individuals rather than a unit
The 'instructing' bit, does that make me sound bad? He really doesnt know how 'to do' relationships. He has the sexual prowess of a fumbling teenager. He has no social/emotional skills.

Im so pissed off. It's not even worth me writing this anymore. He's not bad, I just dont like him.

Good job you are not married.
Read your last post. You know what you should do, don't you?
Not always easy though

What's the straw?

Well what are you asking about then?

The stalemate, we can't give an opinion because we don't know what it's about.

Whether you should be together, obviously the answer is no.

How do you separate, if that's what you want, people here can help you but it sounds to me as if you want some more of this pointless relationship to complain about before you are ready to do that.

If you had another man to go to I'm sure you'd be out of there like a shot.

Sorry to be blunt but, unless there is something you're not telling us it seems as if you are using him and blaming him for all your unhappiness when, in reality, no-one is forcing you to live with him.

Where do you get that im using him? He is the one using me.

Im not unhappy, never said i was. Im not happy with him but that is just one part of my life.

I tried not to just give a one sided version of this, feel like im being punished for that now.

I am currently dependent on him for childcare and money, all our debt is in my name so we're going to have to stay under one roof for the near future.

As for the long term, yes, it would be nice to have a little support, going out into the big bad world of single motherhood and dating, esp after all the support ive given to others on this board.

He used me for a free meal ticket, ran up loads of debt in my name to fund his overspending on frivolities.

He uses me as a way of staying with his DCs. He has told me he is only with me because of them. He puts me down in cruel belittleing ways and the only way I can cope is by hurting myself. But this time, when I was in the bathroom, I had the realisation that I shouldn't be with someone who causes me so much distress that I have to do this to numb the pain. He knows about my 'habit' but doesn't care.

So you are self-harming? Please OP, this man is no good. Just leave. As much as it all seems insurmountable now, and it WILL be difficult in the beginning, it will get better really quickly.

Lela, I didn't get the courage to leave my marriage (which I knew was wrong very soon after we tied the knot) for 23 years. Even then it was only after I'd discovered he'd taken out huge debts in my name, stolen my inheritance money and harrassed my father into parting with a goodly chunk of his life savings. I wanted to leave but never thought I'd be able to manage on my own. Looking back I so wish now that I hadn't wasted such a huge part of my life on a person who I was just not compatible with and more than that did not like or respect. Although I was left in a huge mess financially and am now in a council flat with no hope of renting anywhere nicer, I am happier now than I ever have been. There is no loneliness worse than being in a relationship where your OH just doesn't get you, isn't affectionate, has to have the basics spelled out to him and with whom you can't communicate intimately. I can really empathise with all this. In my case my OH just got worse not better over the years, until I despised him. I remember asking my brother how he made the decision to leave his partner after 25 years and his answer was that he left because the thought of staying was worse than the thought of leaving. And eventually I reached that point too. I was worried about illness as well but without the stress of being in a toxic, frustrating, exhausting, resentful relationship, my health has improved since I left. And I have built up a circle of friends who I know would help practically if I was ill, just as I would if they were. By the sounds of things, there's more to lose by staying than by going. I hope you work out what to do. I think this stage of being in limbo is just nightmareish and very scary and I do really feel for you.

Second what tunaday said.

I feel for you too.

lela I'm sorry if I got the 'wrong end of the stick'. I was going on what you had written and it seemed that you were only staying with him because the benefits outweighed leaving him.

He uses me as a way of staying with his DCs. He has told me he is only with me because of them. He puts me down in cruel belittleing ways and the only way I can cope is by hurting myself. But this time, when I was in the bathroom, I had the realisation that I shouldn't be with someone who causes me so much distress that I have to do this to numb the pain. He knows about my 'habit' but doesn't care

Please listen to your own feelings. If you are self harming you need to speak with your GP and get some help.

I had the realisation that I shouldn't be with someone who causes me so much distress that I have to do this to numb the pain

So there is your answer then.