How to get the relationship you want?

[DitzyLiz]

Hey ladies,

Reading all the threads in this topic, my problems do seem minor but are becoming increasingly significant to me so thought I would ask for some advice.

DP is lovely most of the time, but in our relationship there are loads of things he does that he thinks are fine but I find disrespectful. On their own, each thing seems small and petty, but because of the regularity of me feeling this way, it has turned into a big issue.

I do tell him each time I feel he has been out of order, but I end up feeling like a nag as I do it so often! Again, only small things and he will apologise and say all the right things, but then act disrespectfully again 2 weeks later.

I know Im being vague, but there are so many examples I would go on forever if I was specific.

I guess what I'm asking is how do I get the relationship that I want and get him to act more respectfully towards me? Its difficult especially as he claims ignorance each time and I end up feeling like Im asking too much.

I had a difficult upbringing and no real positive role models so part of me feels so clueless and unsure of what is normal. Maybe I am wanting too much, but I just hate feeling like Im being treated like a mug.

Is therapy an option for you? It can help you understand why these things matter to you so much, and either they can stop mattering, or you can understand how to convey their importance to your DP ...

Go ahead and go on forever. I'm listening and would like to hear some examples of things he does that you find disrespectful and have asked him to stop doing.

How to get the relationship you want - stop trying to get it from someone who isn't prepared to give it :(

I'm listening too.

I would prefer not to resort to therapy if I can at all help it as I don't want to open up a big can of worms!

The thing is though, although I think Im hard to please, I do feel he acts disrespectfully towards me, and talking to him doesn't help. He can say all the right lines, but nothing changes

Are you really hard to please?

Or are you unhappy because your feelings are being ignored, or only paid lip service to? That would make me unhappy too. Especially if I were then told I was "nagging".

Thank you for your replies, it will be nice to chat to people who are totally unbiased (most people I know are also friends with him).

I don't want to say too much as don't want anybody who knows me to read this and figure out it's me!

Most recent examples though include me accidentally stumbling upon messages between himself and a female friend. Nothing dodgy between them, but she was asking about me and he replied that we were still together but had our ups and downs. She was talking about being single and he replied that being single sometimes seemed very appealing and the sex isnt worth the hassle sometimes.

This is especially upsetting as we very rarely have sex anymore. Used to all the time, and I still do want an active sex life, but he just never seems up for it. We talk and he is all 'I still fancy you, I love having sex with you blah blah blah' but then nothing changes.

Im probably being too sensitive but I find it difficult not to be.

Another example is us being out in a club in a big group. Everyone was wandering round so I asked him to wait for me whilst I went the toilet. He didnt wait for me but went somewhere else with his mate so I was left looking for people I knew for ages.

Again, a minor thing but these incidents are not isolated, they happen aboout on a weekly basis and its just getting me down

"the sex isnt worth the hassle"

So that's what you're for, is it? To have sex with?

Who is saying you're "too sensitive" about this? -- him, I'll bet.

I haven't talked to him about it yet. He wouldn't say I was being too sensitive he would say 'oh I didnt mean it like that, yada yada' and then apologise and say he will try harder to be a better partner but then do absolutely nothing differently.

He always agrees with me when I confront him with something I feel he has done wrong, but I just feel its lip service as I see no evidence of him trying to act differently.

DitzyLiz, you are not being oversensitive or nagging - the incidents you describe are totally disrespectful, and must be very upsetting - especially if part of a pattern.

How long have you been with DP? How long has he been behaving in this way? It does seem like you need to have a serious talk about your relationship, but I know how hard that is if he is refusing to engage with the issues.

I'm sure other people here will be able to offer more helpful advice, but I just wanted to assure you that this isn't insignificant or 'all in your head'. He's behaviour is very hurtful and his insensitivity towards your feelings is very worrying - don't let him influence you into thinking you are the problem.

Rule one; you can't get people to do anything they don't want to.

Tell him he is of no use to you unless he adores you

It's such a relief to hear others find this sort of behaviour disrespectful too. I half expected everyone to tell me to get over myself and stop expecting everything to be so perfect.

Its so difficult to try to sort things out with him though. He will act all sorry and im left thinking we have sorted everything out but then something else happens a few days later and im left feeling like crap again.

He will act all sorry and im left thinking we have sorted everything out but then something else happens a few days later and im left feeling like crap again.

That indicates to me that he doesn't actually care about your feelings.

That's the conclusion Ive come to as well unfortunately.

In a lot of ways he is lovely, so Im very reluctant to end it, but I suppose nobody is horrible all the time otherwise those men would stay single forever :)

I think I have a hard time separating what is a normal mistake and a bad time as part of a normal relationship, and what is actually a bad relationship.

I once read somewhere there is no such thing as "too sensitive". If people care about you they will try to do what it takes not to upset you - if they infer you're too sensitive the problem is with them not with you.

I think the way he spoke about you to a third party is particularly disrespectful. Do you have kids with this guy or some other strong reason to try to make the relationship work? If not I would think about calling it a day.

After you have "pulled him up" on behaviour that has upset you , does he repeat the same behaviour again, and take no notice of your comments.

I think I have a hard time separating what is a normal mistake and a bad time as part of a normal relationship, and what is actually a bad relationship.

Look, you have a right to have your own feelings, your own needs, your own limits. Those may differ from another person's, but that doesn't make them wrong.

If he does things that upset you, but it is important for him to keep doing them, then the relationship might be incompatible, or there might be a need for some hammering out of a compromise.

If he does things that upset you, and he doesn't care, then the relationship is bad.

No kids yet (thank goodness) but wouldnt be easy to split. However I wouldnt let this stop me if I felt that I needed to end thiings.

After I have 'pulled him up' he has been know to repeat the behaviour. Sometimes he does try to act differently and things have improved, but usually he will do something else that I find unacceptable.

When we are on our own he is so affectionate and lovely, but when we are with other people its like I dont exist. After complaining about this more times than I can even remember, he has improved and is now more attentive when we are out, but still not how I want him to be.

The thing is, it's hard to know whether he cares or not. He will tell me he does, but then his actions make me think otherwise. We almost split last month, instigated by me,and he was crying and telling me how he thought our relationship was great. I was honestly shocked at how he could think it was good when Im constantly telling him how disrespectful his behaviour is. It was almost like he hadnt been listening because he thought our relationship was fine.

The thing is, it's hard to know whether he cares or not.

No it isn't. See here:

After I have 'pulled him up' he has been know to repeat the behaviour.

It was almost like he hadnt been listening because he thought our relationship was fine.

...or it's almost like he hadn't been listening because it suits him fine to keep on like this, including carrying on ignoring your feelings, because they don't matter to him.

Its hard to read but I know you're right. I can't go on like this it will drive me crazy and crush my self-esteem.

My father was (and im sure still is) a horrible person but to speak to him you would think he was lovely. Always agreeable and reasonable in person but then acting badly. I fear that despite trying to stay away from this type of man I have chosen someone who is similar, which is upsetting.

Im just not sure where to go from here. I honestly dont want to end things but then I know I cant continue in a relationship like this. Not sure what else I can do though, I have made my feelings clear from the off but it hasnt made much of a difference.

I can't go on like this it will drive me crazy and crush my self-esteem.

Well, you're no kind of ditz, Liz. That is wisdom and a half!

I'm not surprised to hear about your father. My own parents are in an abusive relationship, but I only noticed when I left my own abusive marriage. I also thought I had found a different kind of person - ha! We do tend to repeat the mistakes of the past, repeat what we know, until something makes us take a long hard look at what we're actually doing, and what is actually motivating us.

You say you're not sure where to go from here. One thing I would highly, highly recommend is counselling. Solo counselling, for you. You've already put your finger on the link between your father and your current relationship. A therapist will help you unravel what's going on there, heal the gaps in your emotional development left from your childhood, and avoid ever having to make the same mistake again.

As someone wise told me in the aftermath of my breakup: you'll go on to make other mistakes in life. But make new mistakes, not the same old ones; they're more fun!

Apart from all the other things you've mentioned, your radar needs seriously re-calibrating if you thought there was 'nothing dodgy' about that text exchange with the female friend. He may as well have added a footnote: "By the way, I'm up for an affair....."