How can i help her?

[citiesofgold]

Hi there, I need some advice about how best to help my friend. i don't want to give too many identifying details, but briefly, I found out today that her husband hit her in front of their children recently. He was drunk (and apparently has a serious alcohol problem). He is out of the house and has texted her saying how sorry he is.

She doesn't know what to do. I am concerned that she is focussing on how to help him deal with his problems - I have tried to say to her that she needs to leave him to sort himself out, but I don't know if I'm getting through. She is also worried about money - he is self employed and she doesn't work (can't because one of their children has serious health issues). I dont' live in the same area, so haven't seen her for a while, but it sounds as though he has been emotionally abusing her for months.

How on earth do I help her deal with all this?

Be there for her. Listen. Don't judge. As open questions (who what why where when, rather than "yes/no" questions) to help her work it out in her own words. Point her in the direction of WA if you think she'd be willing to talk to experts who will either just listen to her, or advise her if she asks for it.

And repeat the three Cs of alcoholism in your converstaions with her; they are just as relevant for abuse: No, she didn't cause him to hit her. No, she can't control his behaviour (make him act respectfully) by changing either him or herself, and no, she can't cure him of his abusiveness -- only he can do that, if he wants to and seeks help of his own volition.

The only person whose actions she can control are her own: so what does she want to do? Keep doing the same thing and getting the same result (abusive treatment for her and lifelong trauma for her kids), or get herself and her kids away from an out-of-control man who has no love or respect for her?

Thank you ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow. I guess that is the key thing - that she can't change him, she just needs to look after herself and the children now.