Pushing DP away when he's being lovely- why?

[chosenone]

Why am I intent on ruining my relationship? background is myself and exDH split amicably 18 months ago, both in new relationships. My DP and I together just over a year and its great, he is caring and sensitive to me and respectful and fun. He has made an amazing effort with DC and my friends and totally giving up some of his bad habits to fit in with a more family friendly lifestyle. However when all is going well i seem to throw a spanner in the works about all sorts of issues I must harbour e.g.; why commit when long term relationships go stale (as previous ones did) will we get bored, can I be with someone so different to my ex etc. he is reassuring and lovely when I start moaning about this crap and I hate that I upset him by being weird/controlling/manipulative etc. He wants to commmit, live together and be a family, i want to too so wtf am I doing???

Are you the one who made him give up these bad habits of his? If so, i can see why he would find you controlling and manipulative.

Regarding commitment, you do seem to be holding conflicting feelings: "why commit when long term relationships go stale" versus "He wants to commmit, live together and be a family, i want to too"

Which one of the two is your gut really leaning towards?

Of course you want to be with someone different to your ex. Otherwise you may as well just get back with your ex and carry on where you left off.

Give him a chance. Let him in. He sounds, from what you have said, deserving of that. Keep it up and he'll end up resenting you for it, and he will move onto somebody who is willing to embrace him and his good qualities and not push him away, as you would do if the roles were reversed.

If you don't think you can let him, and if your view on relationships is so fucked up from previous ones, then you shouldn't be in a relationship right now imo.

thank you. I want to commit really i do but i've just got a bit cynical in my old age! Plus im worried about my DC they have coped so well with me and exdh seperating im worried about letting them douwn, but DP is in my life now and theirs and its going well. I could do with stopping talking/moaning I reckon and letting him in. Regarding his habits, it was cannabis and I said i would have a bf who smoked regularly but not a live in partner so he gave up. I have no idea why i over complicate everything

Don't be so quick to put yourself down. Maybe you're not "over-complicating" things. if you are this conflicted and confused right now, that's a signal that there's something that isn't yet resolved.

It could be something inside you, or it could be something external. But it's worth digging around to figure out what it is before you make any major life decisions in this state.

yes- possibly. Plus we dont need to rush Im happy living apart for now but I know he hopes that will change soon. Maybe I need to go to relate. Im hoping time will tell. Thank you

Could it be that you are in some way trying to punish yourself? Sort of as if at some level you feel that you don't 'deserve' him.

I used to think that about myself, tb. I have, indeed, got abandonment issues and problems of self-worth. But now I realise ItsMe's reply is nearer the mark: a signal that there's something that isn't yet resolved.

While a healthy level of self-interrogation is essential relationship maintenance, it easily tips over into unhealthy self-blaming. The whole dynamic needs to be addressed.

I agree, chosen, it's a good idea to chew it over with a professional :)