Feeling completely drained by my Mother again

[EraseandRewind]

I feel very confused about my relationship with my Mother and could really do with some wise words from people to help me try and make sense of it.

What has caused frustration and my normal feelings of confusion are that she has just looked after my children for a night whilst I and DH went away. When we got back yesterday she was being really nit picky with everything I said or did. Like she was angry with me, but couldn't say it. Questioning everything I said or did to show that she was right and I was wrong. About stupid things, things that don't matter. I just wanted to shout at her, why does it matter!? Who cares how you pronounce a word, or where I should buy something from.

It's like whenever she does anything for me the price I have to pay in attention to her makes what she did not worth it in the first place.

And then this morning she apologised that I am finding her annoying.

I think she is very needy, but then I worry that maybe it is me who is needy.
And then I feel guilty, because often we have a good relationship as long as she doesn't have to give too much.

I just feel so sad because I don't know how to have a normal adult relationship with her. She has not idea what she is like. If I tried to tell her she would get upset and I would end up apologising for making her feel bad. There is no point. So we go through life with her thinking we have a great relationship and me thinking that we don't because you don't know anything of how I feel.

Maybe it's me that is too needy though? I don't know what it should be like.

Does this echo your experience with your mother?

And here's a list of the 100 most common behaviours of dysfunctional people. If you see any that correspond to your mother's behaviour, that would certainly go some way to explaining why she leaves you feeling drained.

I've had a quick look and she isn't that extreme.

She is very needy. Everything is about her and everything is viewed from how it makes her feel. She hasn't got much self confidence and worries about what others think.

So; we had to behave, achieve at school etc because otherwise she would worry about what others would think of her. She would achieve her goal through a combination of manipulation and sulking.

I don't know. My needs are not important. Her needs trump everything. And yet she would be mortified if she thought this was how we viewed her.. Her mother was like thus and she hated her for it.

She thinks she is different and she's not.

Sounds like a narcissist to me -- or if you find it more palatable, someone with pronounced narcissist traits:

• very needy
• everything all about her
• excessively focused on how others view her
• uses her children as sources of emotional supply
• manipulates her children
• ignores her child's needs
• would be unable to face a critical view of her

I can see how that would be draining, yes.

Would you like book recommendations for adult children of self-absorbed parents? Not receiving unconditional love and support when you are a developing human being has enduring consequences on your psyche.

What I really want to ensure is that I don 't keep repeating it. I want to be a safe person for my own children and worry that because I have a 'hole' in me caused by having to essentially be the strong one that I am not capable of unconditional love.

So yes. Maybe a book would be good. :)

Your children are lucky to have you as their mother.

Face-to-face therapy would be best, if that's at all an option for you. Book and website recommendations include:

• Toxic parents
• When you and your mother can't be friends
• Children of the self-absorbed
• Pete Walker's site
• Alice Miller's site

The books have "look inside" features, so you can see if the content and style suit you. And there are other Amazon recommendations along the same themes that you could dip into.

I understand that your focus is on parenting your children, but I believe that healing yourself filling the emotional gaps of your own childhood is the best way to ensure that you face your children as a whole and emotionally healthy person, unlikely to pass on the previous generation's issues to them.

You might also enjoy reading or venting on the Stately Homes thread whenever you need to.

"I don't know. My needs are not important. Her needs trump everything. And yet she would be mortified if she thought this was how we viewed her.. Her mother was like thus and she hated her for it.

She thinks she is different and she's not."

I could have written exactly that. I haven't got time to post at length but mine is so similar to that and I know how soul-destroying it is. It makes you feel worthless, insignificant and less entitled to breathe than everyone else. Yet she is probably never outright nasty to your face. It's the years of insinuating, belittling, pointlessly comparing you to everyone else's children (to illustrate your deficiencies). Eg. I've always had a weight issue and am relatively plain with mousey hair, and have no interest in designer clothes (all of which mum finds irritating), so every time my mum tells me about bumping into old school friends of mine with their mums (to emphasise the fact they they are ALWAYS with their mums and I'm not....) she starts with "bumped into so-and so and she's so slim and pretty these days, you'd never guess she has 7 children! She has lovely blond hair now and was wearing a lovely tailored suit from......) I can never understand why it bothers me so much as I am not bothered about looks but it does because of the subliminal difference...

Irony is, as you've so aptly pointed out, her mother was the same and she thinks she's so different - always telling me and trying to get me to agree that she's so much better/nicer than her mother was.

You have my sympathy because it sucks. The only change I've been able to make is to put down more boundaries. Counselling helps enormously.

I think that's what I am realising - that I need to put some boundaries in place. But I feel guilty as she will be hurt and it's so not worth trying to put myself first.

It's the lack of insight she has (or doesn't have?) that makes it feel like we are occupying parallel universes.

I think as long as I ask nothing of her it will be better. But she would be so hurt if I asked others..

Crap. It's so hard.

it's so not worth trying to put myself first.

It so is, though! Her reaction to you putting down healthy and reasonable boundaries are her problem. You have no reason to feel guilty for stating your needs. None.

As the child of a narc mother, I know how hard this is. But it gets easier with practice, and easier the more you move to a healthier place where you instictively know that your "stuff" is your stuff (ie. that your needs are valid), and her stuff is her stuff (ie. that it's up to her to deal with her feelings of unjust martyrdom because you haven't phoned her, for example).