What should it feel like ?

[PutUpOrShutUpIsThisNormal]

Name changer. Been on Mumsnet for about 2 years.

I often read the relationships threads trying to make sense of my own relationship. Compared to what some posters are going through and have been through I guess my confusion into my own relationship pales into insignificance. However i am now at the point where I need some perspective.

Been with OH 12 years. Have one child (10). He is a great dad and does his fair share around the house - no worries there.

We live a fairly good life - both work in jobs we love, financially secure, own cars, nice house, good group of friends, great family, great social life, we never argue, can come and go as we please, no jealously between us......

but... there is no passion. We hardly ever talk (round the dinner table for 20 minutes a night) and don't laugh together, sex is once in a blue moon. I don't feel cared about on an emotional level. He does kiss me in the mornings and sometimes when he comes home from work - but its a peck on the cheek and seems some what 'staged' - we tell each other we love each other daily - again feels slightly staged.

One example among many: A few months ago i had an offer which would mean a change in our circumstances. I tried to talk to him about it - to try and get his opinion, so we could discuss the pros and cons of the decision ... he just said he would support me with what ever decision i made - but i wanted support with the decision!!

Someone described our relationship as great flat mates (minus the occasional shag).

I have tried on several occasions to tell him how i feel ... I end up crying and talking 'at' him ... he doesn't say much back and nothing changes.

So is this normal ?? Do we just have to 'try' a little harder?

To answer your last question no its not normal and this relationship sounds like it withered and died on the vine a long time ago.

A great dad you write?. Not at all if he treats the mother of his child like this.

Women often write the "great dad" comment too when they themselves can think of nothing at all positive to say about their man.

No point yourself trying harder if he is himself resistant to making any changes within the relationship. Your friend's description of "great flat mates" sounds apt.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what keeps you within this?

This is no ideal relationship model to show your son is it?. What happens to the two of you when he leaves home?. Both of you are in your own ways imparting damaging lessons on relationships to him.

Thank you for your reply - I have read it several times.

I think i have fallen into a trap of looking around at other peoples really bad relationships and thinking mine isn't so bad.

I am also not sure that he can only be to blame for the state of our relationship - surly it takes two?

He is a good dad - he is kind, caring, supportive & loving towards our child... just not towards me... I guess we do have a laugh together but only when it involves our child.

Sounds to me like you both need to rediscover exactly what it was about each other you fell for and get some 'zing' back into the relationship. But that's going to be pretty hard to do if he's not on board. I don't know really what to suggest - a date night maybe, and attempt to broach the subject then?

I was going to add that both of you have contributed to letting the relationship get to this state but seemingly only you wants to do something about it. If he continues not to want to change things then you cannot force change alone. He seems quite happy bumbling along like this for goodness knows how long because he is getting what he wants out of it. You are not worthy of his consideration. And what happens when your son leaves home and its just the two of you?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What keeps you within this?. Are you staying for the lifestyle or for the sake of your son?. I always think that staying for the sake of the child does that person nor the child any real favours.

Him only being kind, considerate and caring solely towards your child does not actually make him a good Dad does it?. He is not a good Dad to him if he is showing your son that he can and does treat you like this. married.

It might be 'normal' for a lot of people, but what do you want? I would want more than this out of a relationship

So much to think about - thank you all.

Attila - What keeps me here ? I think it is/was my understanding that in a relationship you need to compromise. My compromise is that i dont get my needs fully met .... i guess i got the wrong end of the stick as to what compromising meant ! A lot of my emotional needs are met through friends with whom i spend a lot of time talking too mulling over life and all its complexities. Id like that with my OH but dont get it - is that really his fault tho ? I dont mull over the latest car or football match with him...we have very little in common.... and i do of course love him.

My life style wouldn't change if we were apart. I have an older child and was a single parent for many years - i have no problem in doing that again if need be.

I dont think he is cold or uncaring at all (even towards me) it's not like her purposefully ignores me - I just think he thinks he is being all the things I want - he just doesn't know what to say to me when i bring it up - it is almost like he is scared of saying the wrong thing.

I sometimes wonder because i find my job so rewarding on so many levels that i am expecting too much from a relationship.

Thank you for the advice and feed back so far. It has been very helpful.