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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thrown DP out - last straw DV

55 replies

mrskeithlemon · 31/10/2011 10:04

Attacked me again this weekend twice

He has gone. Still terrorising me but at least only over the phone. Hold my hand please.....

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 31/10/2011 10:47

Are you in the north east? Could this be my ex you were with? Sounds identical.

He sounds hideous.

Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 31/10/2011 10:55

no I am in NW.

He is hideous :(

OP posts:
screamqueenrollo · 31/10/2011 10:57

well done and stay strong.

I understand what you are saying about the police. My friends ex was 'not afraid' of the police and involivng them always infuritated him - but bringing the police into this situation is the right thing to do. Keeping them informed every step of the way will be the best way to get shot of him. Really. Are you scared that his violence will escalate if you bring the police into this?

Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 31/10/2011 10:59

screamqueenrollo exactly. He doesn't care what happens to him, he has that much hatred for me

OP posts:
Onemorning · 31/10/2011 11:02

Well done you, he sounds beyond awful.

Please keep a note of everything and do go to the police. They can help and take DV very seriously.

Big hugs.

GypsyMoth · 31/10/2011 11:07

So is your property secure? If he has lived there he will know weak spots/security issues
He will also know your routes. Your routine. Which buttons to press to sabotage your life.

Doesn't sound like he will go away quietly and you may need a restraining order, at the very least. This is why police are necessary, they need to build a picture.

Does he have convictions already?

screamqueenrollo · 31/10/2011 11:08

you will get some better, more insightful advice from other Mnetters who have been in your situation. My advice is from the view of supporting my friend through years of DV and the aftermath of her leaving.

Her ex did escalate when there was police involvement, but I gently helped her to keep it up with the police and with the help of Womens Aid. It was a hard road, but eventually the police involvement is what stopped him. He reached a point where he knew he was going to prison if he carried on and while he gave the 'i don't care' attitude to everyone - the thought of actually losing his liberty didn't appeal and he gave up. Unfortunately for the next poor woman who ended up in his hands - because what happened was he met someone else and 'moved on'.

like i said you'll get better advice, but please DO contact the police. Others here will be able to reassure about the help available to you

Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 31/10/2011 11:18

ILoveTIFFANY seven sentences served before I met him. He assured me he had changed when I found out about them

OP posts:
screamqueenrollo · 31/10/2011 11:27

do you know what they were for?

Is he known to your local police force? because my friends ex was and this spurred them on to nail the bastard

SolidGoldVampireBat · 31/10/2011 11:28

The thing is, MrsKL, if he's got that long a record already, the police will arrest him, he will be charged, convicted and put back in prison. Which will mean you are safe from him.

GypsyMoth · 31/10/2011 11:29

You need it on record IMO ( I have been in bad dv situation as well as being ex police myself)

Sounds like he likes the attentions the British justice system gives him

BertieBotts · 31/10/2011 11:36

Agree it doesn't matter if he's afraid of the police or not. What matters is that they have the power to keep him away from you, and potentially others as well.

Have you got a copy of the lundy bancroft book? He's likely to pull some textbook stunts in the next few days and it will help to be prepared.

Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 31/10/2011 11:49

mostly for violent crimes.

I know I should call the police but its so scary

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 31/10/2011 11:59

surely is is more scary to let his violence towards you go unreported ?

report him

have a mark put on your address, so if you ever have to ring them they will be round like a flash

you need a non-molestation order...you need to help the police to use the substantial powers they do have

leaving his crimes unreported take away some of their power, I am afraid

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 31/10/2011 12:07

and has giving in to intimidation stopped his abuse in its tracks in the past?

SnakeOnCrack · 31/10/2011 12:07

love, please call the police, if only to log the incident and make them aware of the situation as Any says.

Are there any friends/family you can spend a few nights with?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 31/10/2011 14:02

Another one here who is urging you to report this to the police.

Who else can keep him away from you? no-one except the police can arrest him and put him in prison.

And as ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow says, giving in to him hasn't stopped it has it?

And make an appointment to see GP and get the back injury reported too.

Everything needs to be officially logged from now on as you need to start building up a case.

Be brave
Stay strong

Try speaking to these people

www.ncdv.org.uk/

WardrobeYeti · 31/10/2011 17:14

If it makes it any easier, think not of what the police will do to him, but what they can and will do for you if you contact them and keep contacting them whenever he does something. They will do what they can to keep you safe and provide you with resources to protect you from him. It must be hard to see what the point is if he isn't afraid of them, but they are there for you as well.

kunahero · 31/10/2011 19:49

Call the Police

They are not there to Scare him they are there to protect you.

Call the police. You may not live to regret it.

FabbyChic · 31/10/2011 19:55

Save any texts he sends that threatens you, call the non emergency number tell them about them and the fact he has history. they will send someone round to you.

tunaday · 31/10/2011 20:05

When my xH was making constant abusive calls, O2 were really sympathetic and v helpful and arranged a new number for me within an hour. There was no charge.
To dread the phone ringing is a horrible feeling and you shouldn't have to have that stress. Totally agree about police involvement. I found them very helpful and sensitive and my xH calmed down once he knew I'd phoned them. Keep strong.

luzluz · 31/10/2011 20:14

Pls ring police, he sounds like my dad. he eventually went down for 6 years for 'threats to kill'. they can only help if you let them get involved. do keep a history of any contact as everyone suggests - they don't have to do much to get a nice long sentence which will give you the breathing space to make a real break.

I feel your fear, your are so bloody brave for moving on. Can you move somewhere else for a bit so that he can't find you? Take care and (don't want to sound dramatic but will worry if don't point this out) check out who's around when you leave work too - my Mum was often sprung on when walking out in the office car park. keep posting.

Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 01/11/2011 09:27

Still not been to police - i know I should

No more threats though, so far anyway

Thanks for all the messages

OP posts:
Original poster
mrskeithlemon · 01/11/2011 09:27

gp appointment today for my back too, may mention to my gp

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 01/11/2011 09:36

That sounds like a good idea. It might be worth phoning women's aid as well, just to talk things over? They won't notify police for you or put any pressure on you but they will know about the procedure so you could ask questions.