Concerned about difficulties with dear friend

[ohgawdherewegoagain]

I have had a friendship that has lasted almost 30 years and walking away is not an option. Too much history and just because a relationship can be troublesome, it doesn't follow that it should be terminated; that's not what I want at all. Trouble is, I need to try and understand some difficulties that exist between us and could do with some outside perspective - thanks in advance. My DF can be the most supportive and kind hearted person, ever. Other times, it seems as though she is trying to tug me down and concentrate on all the negatives in my life and I really think she "enjoys" it when things are not going my way. I've had a lot of downs in my life as many of us have, broken marriage, single parent most of my girls' lives, long term relationship then ended - best thing all round but then within the same period of time, also lost my father and my sister. Lots of loss. Lots of good things also though. I've two wonderful, well balanced and successful children. I've worked hard and been professionally successful and am respected and liked where I work and have formed some lovely new friendships along the way. I have a reasonably good life and I really shouldn't complain. I have a weight problem and my friend visibly shows her jealousy when I am being in control and losing weight but I wouldn't dream of doing that to her. We've just been away for the weekend and I dropped her off yesterday and I wouldn't have cared if we'd agreed not to see each other again. She tried to humilate in front of the other guests by one thing and another but I just laughed it off at the time. But she can spark my emotions and when I've had enough, I do react. Not in anger but I can fight my corner when I have to. She's older than me by 16 years (a widow just this last year) so I have this issue that I should be sensitive to her feelings but I don't get the same in return. Silly things really if I were to list some of them, but the overly negative way she phrases things can cause tensions and then there's this underlying feeling I have of her needing me to be needy - which I don't know whether is me being sensitve or whether my friend really prefers it when my confidence is low, I'm miserable and doubting myself. Anyone else have the same problem? If you have, have you been able to find a way to live with it and maintain the friendship without submitting yourself to being stuffed in the pigeon hole that they prefer to keep you in? (I should add that I have many faults of my own and by no means am a perfect friend - but I see my role in her life to support her, enjoy her company and pull her up when she's miserable, not drag her down when all's well in her world.) Appreciate your observersations - whatever side of the fence you sit.....

Can you talk to her about any of this? Talking about a relationship is really hard with a friend, as it seems threatening; you expect this kind of conversation with a dp or a sibling.
You sound extremely thoughtful, kind, and loyal, also fun to be with. She sounds jealous in general, (not just about weight issues), and not very happy.

I was in the same situation, funnily enough, also with a friend around 15 years older than me. In the end I decided to walk away from the friendship, I realised she made me feel bad much more than she made me feel good, many of the things you have said like humilating me in front of others, focusing on negatives, jealous and mean when I lost weight etc. Sometimes I miss her terribly and it crosses my mind to go and see her and try to explain how I felt and rebuild the friendship but then I remember particular events and the way she made me feel and overall I believe that my life is happier without her.

I hope it doesn't come to this in your case and hope someone can give you somne advice to help you. x

I am sorry but a friend is someone who celebrates your happiness. I am in a dreadful situation and my friends have been my rocks. Similarly, I enjoy all their success and time with families - I actually buzz if I hear their good news. I have NEVER felt jealous or bitter, even as my life crumbles.

I think you are too kind. If you just cannot talk about this with her...then you really must review how this is making you feel......

I would slowly freeze her out

You have other friends, right ?

A friend should make you feel good about yourself

She doesn't, so get her negativity out of your life...or at least not quite so central to it

Don't feel sorry for her, she likes to keep you pigeonholed as the "needy" one so she can feel superior to you

I think you should go with your instincts.
Have a break from her and see if you feel better or worse. Next time you see her, assess things again.
She sounds very damaging and I agree with others that that's not friendship.

Why is terminating or at least posr-poning this friendship not an option?

She sounds awful and you need to come down hard on her next time she humiliates you no amount of grief, upset excuses that kind of behaviour.

slowly withdraw from the friendship.

I've known my oldest friend for 32 years. We're the same age but she sounds a lot like your friend. I look back and realise now how badly she treated me when we were teenagers. It took me until adult-hood to figure out why she was like this with me. In the last 4 years i've put an emotional distance between us, and I feel so much better.

like beachedbabe i do sometimes miss the closeness and friendship we had. I think it's inevitable that you will when it's a friendship that has spanned such a big period of your life - but just because you have 30 years of history together doesn't mean that you should hang on to this friendship if it's making you unhappy.

My life has changed so much in the last 4 years, big lows and big highs and it was reaching the highs that suddenly triggered my changing the status of this relationship. Her jealousy at my 'luck' became so apparent I couldn't have her around me any more.

Oh everyone, thank you. I was afraid that this would be the common theme. Actually realised it as I was writing it. She came into my life when I was at a very low point. We're actually entirely different in lots of respects. We met when I was working at a factory when my kids were small and where as she is now retired from her working life, my career took off and I am now professionally qualified and really at the top of my game. She's often said that despite my professional changes, I have never changed from being the grounded down to earth person that I am (hope I have not either!) but obviously with the changes, I am different. Still naive at times though, obviously! Confidence is quiet but very much there and my understanding of people and their pychological workings has developed over the years. I guess I'm gong through my own emotional changes as I navigate my way through the menopause and also a big birthday looming..... which I am not entirely embracing. I think the one thing that I am hurt about is that to her only have I bared my soul. She knows everything about me and sometimes, she abuses this knowledge and goes in for the weak spots. That really isn't friendship is it? I'll need to think about next steps as I don't want any big showdown or to cause her any hurt, think the advice about emotionally withdrawing is the right approach and gradually tailing off our contact. Thank you again ladies.