In a state...

[boschy]

hi - new here, but I have been lurking for a while and finally screwed up the courage to post in the hope that maybe you can help me. Here's the situation, I will try and not drip feed!

Been with DH 30 years; got 2 teenage DDs; he has his own (v. small) company; I'm freelance and work from home. For I would say two thirds of our lives I have been the biggest earner. For the last 4 years, since DH started his business I have supported us - mortgage, council tax, all the bills etc - with sporadic input from him, ie as and when he had the money he would put some into the account etc. We get no benefit other than CB.

We are now in significant debt and its all coming tumbling down, because he has financed the business - to the tune of £35k - on personal credit cards; he cant make the payments and at the same time my income has just about halved so am not able to keep paying everything all on my own.

So HERE is the thing: I am frantic about the situation, constantly trying to come up with new, creative ways to sort things out, phoned up CCCS, been on MoneySavingExpert etc etc etc. I have been to GP, got anti-anxiety drugs because I feel constantly wired but still cant sleep - hence why posting at this early hour. I am basically terrified all the time.

He doesnt seem that worried (although I'm sure he is, I guess its a man thing) but more to the point, doesnt seem to be doing anything to sort things. for example, I've found him business debt advisors to call but he hasnt phoned; he's supposed to be opening a new bank account away from existing bankers but he hasnt; he is supposed to be chasing his business partner about a different payment structure which means he could take more money out of the business but he hasnt.

whenever I say have you done such and such, or what shall we do about such and such he makes me feel like I'm nagging, or he snaps at me, and I dont know what to do. We love each other, it is and has been a good marriage, but I am finding it so hard to cope at the moment. I am honestly not resentful about the money side but I am beginning to resent that I seem to be the one doing the worrying/trying to find a solution to this nightmare.

That was long, thanks for reading.

I don't really know what to say, except that you must be feeling under a great deal of pressure and really quite alone. It sounds like your husband is taking rather an ostrich approach which is useless. I don't know how to go about getting him to take responsibility, but he does need to face up to it. Hopefully someone will be able to offer you some more practical advice soon.

Can you make an appointment for you both at the CAB, and if he won't go, go alone, and find outwhere you stand. You need to protect your house etc, as far as you can. If he won't do it, do what you can for yourself and yours IMO.

I agree this must be horrible for you...what I am thinking, is do the practical stuff first if you can, then maybe try and do the emotional stuff if that makes sense....really think you need to act, particularly if you think the house might be at risk.

Hmmm... I used to have one of these. It was almost as if he didn't face up to it and deal with it, it wasn't really happening. No real advice other than for you to deal with your bit and, obviously, ensure (if you can) that your home is safe. This is not exactly the spirit of a marriage/partnership but if he won't deal with this you may need to safeguard yourself as much as you can.

GodKeepsGiving (sorry havent worked out the boldy thing), thank you that's the thing, I do feel so ALONE. All I want him to do is help me, but he just says things like "well if I had the answer I'd be doing it wouldn't I?" which is no help at all.

Parsley and BellaDonna, the house is not currently in danger, we are not in arrears or anything yet, its just that I am trying to find a way out and every avenue seems to have a gate slammed across it - the financial situation is so complicated, and I'm beginning to resent that it is just me that trying to untangle and keep us safe.

This morning I asked him if he had spoken to his business partner about the change to payments and he said "well it wont give us any more money, it just means the expenses will be paid a bit quicker". if the expenses are paid a bit quicker he will be able to reduce the credit card debts more - or at least meet the monthly minimum payments - which means that we will be able to stop hiding behind the answerphone in case its one of his credit card companies on the line.

I dont think he knows what it is like being here and being unable to answer the phone, or if I do having to lie and say I dont know where he is. Tears are pretty close to the surface today.

It seems that one way or another the buck always stops at you re finances... so he's never taken proper responsibility for himself.

He needs to grow up quite frankley and start taking some of the weight from your shoulders x

I think you're going to have get tough with him and explain that his decisions impact on you because in marriage, you are liable for any debts. This is not 'nagging', this is you quite rightly refusing to consent to your own liability getting worse.

Next, explain what all this is doing to your feelings about him and the marriage. If he values you and his marriage as much as you say, it might shock him to realise that this has eroded your respect for him and that if it continues, you will not be able to stay in the marriage.

It's not quite correct to say that in marriage you are liable for each other's debts.

You are liable for any joint debts - joint account, mortgage. Your husband is liable for debts such as the personal credit cards which are in his name only.

Good to see you've been on the moneysavingexpert website. Stick with them, especially the debt free wannabe board which will be able to give you excellent advice. There are ways of stopping debt collectors/bailiffs from calling you at home, ask on that board and people will advise you. If you follow their guidance you should be able to stop the calls very quickly. Meantime, can you just let the phone go to answerphone and use your mobile for your freelance work? Put it somewhere you can't hear it.

You should try to find out the true extent of your DH's indebdtedness. He may have hidden loans and other borrowing from you.

Sorry, my reply is focusing more on the practical side of things. I am really sorry to hear how alone you are feeling. Others on here will be able to give you better advice on the emotional side.

oh god. just phoned b.soc and even if we could sell the house we will only be able to get a tiny mortgage for the next one owing to fall in income and lousy credit ratings. so we are stuck in this crumbling money pit.

business debtline people I spoke to this morning were very helpful tho.

need to see if we can get any benefits next - never claimed apart from CB in my life. also got to phone scottish power and see why we are paying £260 a month for gas/elec when we seem to be £350 in credit.

this is really doing my head in; he's at work and I just want to cry. hellonheels, I dont think he is hiding any other debts. I know they are 'his' debts, but they're ours really, we're a team and I couldnt morally not be part of paying them back. just dont understand how the situation has got so bad, why he didnt do something about it before.

Ok, well we seem to have formed a sort of plan which should work and talked a bit last night.

not sure how I feel really; he obviously understands the seriousness of the situation but it somehow doesnt feel as if he is as 'gripped' by the need to sort things out as I am. but this could be because he is doing the stiff upper lip thing.