I need some practical advice for my friend, can you help?

[HomemadeCakes]

Hi there,

Sorry, this is a long one...

So, my BF has been married for 12 years and has one 9 year old DD. Both her and her (soon-to-be) ExH work for the NHS full-time. Anyway, I need to give some background...

For quite some time after they married, her H said that he didn't think that she needed to work if she didn't want to (before her DD came along) so she didn't. It was a choice they both made. She was a housewife and he worked for a high-street bank as a 'Personal Banker', which may sound grand but the salary wasn't particularly fantastic, only about £15k. She had no control over Finance and he managed all the incomings and outgoings. Once she'd had her DD, she went back to work part-time, working for the NHS.

Well about 3 years ago (a few months before I got married - I remember the night vividly), she called me to say that she needed to see me. Well I met up with her and she was in a right state. Apparently she'd noticed an increased amount of post coming to the house addressed to her husband and out of curiosity, opened one letter from the bank. Well, the bottom fell out of her world. And it just got worse. Basically, over all that time, her H had run up debts of nearly £100k against the house, on credit cards and various overdrafts. She had no idea. Because he worked for a bank she completely trusted that he had everything under control.

So she made a number of dramatic changes, practical things while trying to keep their family together as she felt that she couldn't trust him. She took over all the finances, immediately started working full-time (she was lucky to have such a good reputation with the NHS that they were happy to increase her hours), even started working weekends on top of her full-time work to get them out of the mess. Her H changed his job to try and get more money and they cut back on everything, even living on out-of-date food to get by. Over the last three years, they have cleared off nearly all their debts. They've had to increase their mortgage but were lucky enough to get some money by claiming for some PPI that they were mis-sold previously, so that helped.

She did so well keeping it all together. Since then there have been a couple more lapses, finance-wise by her H but she managed to sort those out aswell and he made all the promises that he'd never do it again etc etc. So basically she stuck by him through all of it, taking part of the blame for going along with his agreement to her being a house-wife aswell.

Anyway, after such a difficult 3 years, many ups and downs for them, they were starting to get there. Even talking about having another baby.

Then last week, she noticed that he wasn't quite himself... She had it out with him on Friday morning last week. He told her that he didn't love her anymore, that she wasn't fun anymore (bastard - after everything he's put her through ) and that he's leaving her. She phoned me this morning. She's told their families (he even suggested that she phone his family and tell them - which she did) and she has told their DD.

She knows now that there is also someone else. She found a hidden phone with various texts on it between him and a colleague that he used to work with, that he's recently got back in touch with on Facebook.

Her heart is breaking. He is moving back in with his DParents while he finds somewhere else to live. This is 40 miles away, so she is going to have to do all the school runs, which means that she's going to have to cut her hours. The last thing she wants is her DD to have to be in after-school clubs, not until things have calmed down. She wants to be there for her.

So, now to what I told her I would try and find out from those MNers that have been in her situation:-

1. She is a Band 4 at the NHS (Full-time) and he is a Band 2 in the NHS again full-time. I don't know what that means financially, other than she is the higher earner, but I understand that the salaries are not huge.

1. They have a mortgage and a joint account. They also both have separate accounts in their own names. He has just one and then an ISA that they have for their holiday. But it's in his own name and even though she can access it (she has the passwords), I told her not to touch that one as legally it's in his name and he could get nasty. She has several accounts that she has set up (DD's birthday, Xmas, Dog Insurance, Car costs etc etc), all in her name and an ISA in her DD's name. None of the accounts have huge amounts of money in but she saves every penny they have left over a month so they can occasionally afford nice things. All of those accounts are in her name. There is also a credit card in his name. So the question is, with his history with finance, what can she do to safeguard herself?

1. She will struggle (like a lot of people do) to make ends meet on her own and is very much expecting that she will need to eventually sell the marital home and go into rented. But she doesn't know how she will afford that either. The average 2-bed down here is around £700 a month... If she is on her own with her DD, what is she entitled to in regards Council-Tax, Utility Bills etc?

1. She wants to reduce her hours to be there for her DD, if she dropped to 25 hours a week, will she be entitled to anymore in relation to Tax-Credits? At the moment she works standard hours (Monday-Friday - 37.5 hours a week) but her H works shifts, evenings and weekends so they haven't had to worry about Childcare.

1. If they do go down the divorce route, where will she stand in terms of an 'Emotional Affair'? She has no evidence that they've actually met up because she lives 40 miles away and he has no car, so it's unlikely. By the time she got the phone this morning, after telling him last night that she'd seen the messages, he's changed the password and she can't get into it. I've told her to get the phone and give it to one of her family to look after so he can't get it, but is there anyway of getting to the messages if she can't unlock the phone, assuming that he hasn't already deleted them of course...

I'm sure there's loads that I've forgotten. But my heart is just breaking for her. She's such a good, kind person and she doesn't deserve this. She's been through so much over the last few years and now apparently she's the one that's no fun anymore - hardly surprising really...

If you've amazingly managed to stay reading this, thank you. Any help or advice I can give her, please tell me.

I am not an expert but I think with regard to:

2. She should inform the bank that she is separated from her husband, set up new passwords on her accounts. She should also ensure that the ISA in her DDs name requires both parents to sign for, not just one.

3. Depending on her income she will be entitled to a reduction on her Council tax for single occupancy, she may get more of a discount but it depends on her income. She has to call her utility providers and, again depending on her income, she may get put on cheaper tariffs (I am on income support and I don't get any reduction though...). She may be able to stay in her house as, again depending on income, she may get assistance from Social Security on the interest on her mortgage. She would also get her salary, any WFTC she is entitled to, child benefit and child maintenance. She can call Child Maintenance Options and they will tell her how much her STBXH has to pay based on his salary.

4. She may get more tax credits but she may also get assistance via the tax credit system to claim for childcare (breakfast/after school club/child minder) or her STBXH could still provide child care.

5. She might be better off going down the unreasonable behaviour route based on his financial fuckwittery.

She should make an appointment with the Lone Parent Advisor at the Jiob Centre, CAB and a Solicitor.

HTH

It does Saggy, thank you so much. I told her earlier to get herself to the CAB first thing tomorrow to get all the info she can and she also has a friend who is a Solicitor who she was going to call today.

Thank you again. I'll be speaking to her tomorrow and pass on the information.

I wish her the best of luck, I had similar issues with my STBXH and even though I have less money coming in I am actually better off financially as I am not constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul.

She is lucky to have a friend like you as well so that's a bonus too!

Thanks Saggy. I just want to take her pain away and I know from being on MN and reading lots of threads on here that she's got a really long road ahead of her. In a way though... I think she may be stronger because of the Finance situation that he put her through because I don't think they ever got back what they had. The first thing her Mum said when she told her was "Thank goodness for that, he's never been good enough for you" and she's right. Although it was probably a shock for her, hearing that from her Mum! But Mum's often know best...

Thanks again.

I get tax credits while working 25 hours - HTH.

If I were her I would tell her boss and also the HR dept what's going on. Both so that if her performance does suffer for a while they know what's going on, and also there might be some support they can offer - e.g. workplace counselling? a band 5 job??

So he's moved back to the area where the OW lives then?

An emotional affair is considered as unreasonable behaviour as far as divorce is concerned, along with telling her that he longer loves her. Add that to the financial infidelity and she'd have no trouble getting a divorce.

Before I even got to the bit about his current affair, I was speculating about how a man could spend £100K unnoticed. Unless your friend knows exactly what that money was spent on, I'd be suspicious that her husband had an addiction to escorts.

By the way, it is hugely unlikely that he would leave for an affair that wasn't yet physical, so she'd be better off assuming he has had sex with the OW. 40 miles is nothing really and any assignations are likely to have taken place while he was meant to be at work.

Windsor and Joan, thank you both so much for your responses.

The £100k came about completely un-noticed. Basically, because he was happy for her to be a housewife, she had no idea they had any financial problems. They went on holidays, ate out every week, bought lovely furniture and nice things and basically their outgoings massively exceeded their incomings over a 3 year period. They always bought 'nice' food (local Farm-shop butchers, that sort of thing).

That an addiction he had to WoW (is it World of War, something like that?), and this caused the latest financial issues aswell, she found a credit card statement (that she didn't know he had) where he'd paid out loads of money to it. He was playing it virtually all day when she was at work (once he woke up from his night shifts).

The OW has two school-age children and their DD is 8, so I am starting to think that maybe she travelled up to see him during the day when my BF was at work. Who would know? I haven't voiced this to her yet though, things are still too raw. Although knowing what she's like (similar to me) she will be analysing everything now and it will no doubt be in her mind already...

Thank you again for the advice re the tax-credits Joan, I will let her know.

Unfortunately Band 5 jobs are difficult to come-by for Clerical posts ATM. She is in a very Senior job that should be a Band 5 (PA to the Chief Exec of a PCT) but they won't re-grade it because of the current cuts.

Yes I know Band 5s are a bit like gold dust at the mo but i still think she should tell them. The only counselling I have ever had that was any use was via my HR at work and it was absolutely excellent.

Thank you Joan. I spoke to her last night and she has been in touch with work because her GP has signed her off for two weeks. Her boss has been brilliant and has said that they will arrange for her to have a secondment to another department for 6 months and she can choose which hours she wants to do. After that, if things have settled a bit she can go back to her previous role or they will try and make the secondment a permanent role. The relief for her is immense that they're being so supportive.

Than you again.