One year on, I thought I would feel a whole lot better than I do

[ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats]

Enormous and unstructured rant alert. No need to reply, am just filled with a need to get it all written down so it isn't in my head any more.

My ex walked out on me and the 3 dcs a year ago - had been having an affair for several years with a family friend (began when my youngest was 5 months old), and is now living with her. I am proud of how far we've come - I navigated the divorce, am putting my finances to rights through hard work and parsimony, we've established a contact pattern for the dcs that they are comfortable with, and we have an uneasy truce. He desperately wants to be friends and for me to admit it was the right thing for all of us (!!) and I can just about bear to have a conversation with him without being rude. I've lost weight, and have a pretty good social life - my friends have been great and really rallied around.

But my goodness I am miserable. I don't have the same crushing despair I had at the start. I am over the anger (although I would not necessarily be able to restrain myself if I ran into the OW). I can see there is lots to be grateful for - we are all healthy, we are fine financially and I have lots of support.

So why do I feel so bleak? I look at my dcs, who I love so much, and see children whose lives have been turned upside down and who are never going to know the security and happiness that I had as a child and that they deserve. I wonder where I went wrong every day - I know that it was his decision, not mine, but if I'd been thinner, less distracted, more focused on trying to keep the marriage exciting, perhaps it would have been different. I don't particularly want him back - I can see all of his many flaws - but that doesn't mean I am happy about the fact that he appears to be having the time of his life (we live in a small-ish town, as do they, so plenty of people are happy to update me).

I also feel sick at the thought that they will at some point start a family of their own. I think that will destroy my dcs. They are more or less accustomed to the idea that their father doesn't live with them any more, but how are they going to come to terms with the idea that he now has a new child who he has chosen to live with. dd1 has already been in tears at the idea more than once (apparently he told her he was looking forward to having more children. He is such a tosser...)

I cannot begin to imagine ever meeting anyone else, and I can't really see where I would find the time or the energy. I don't really want another long term relationship but it would be nice to have some male company and the occasional date. I feel like I'm holding it together on the surface but am just so fed up with being responsible for all the decisions, and all the hard bits of parenting. He gets to dip in and out, and do the good stuff, then has the cheek to tell me when he dropped them off this evening that we "should both be really proud of them, as they are great children and we've done a great job".

You should be really proud of yourself for not murdering the twat yet!

It does take time but there is no set time. Everyone is different. It took me 18 months to get to a place where I was ready to be in another proper relationship. Luckily dw2 came along just where and when I least expected.

I went on to have another dc with dw2 and the dcs from m1 are fantastic with her and love her to bits with no jealously at all. Exdw also had another dc so maybe that helped.

Its really tough to keep it together for the kids especially when you bump into OW. I knew OM really well (good friend) and he avoided me like the plague, convinced I would kick the crap out of him ( I am the biggest wuss on planet earth) so I was always nothing but sweetness and loveliness to the OM and exdw which apparently freaked them out completely. That made me feel v good!

The harder you try to find someone the more you will come across as a desparate person to be avoided at all costs.
Take it easy, be kind to yourself and your kids and all will come up roses.

Everyone gets what they deserve in life. Good and Bad. My exdw has just been left by OM, for her bf, bankrupt and lonely.

Good luck. You are doing fine, you will all be ok.

First of all, my goodness, what a year you've been through. You sound amazing, a real fighter and a brilliant example to your children.

But it's only been a year. The heartache and spin-off feelings still have to run their course. You shouldn't place pressure on yourself like this.

And...speaking of pressure. Wtf are you thinking of, by blaming yourself for your ex's decisions? What if he had been thinner, less distracted by the OW, had put more effort into the marriage? Please set fire to these ridiculous thoughts and banish them from your mind.

Yes, marriages often fail because of action by both parties, but that means you should not be laying the responsibility solely at your door.

Arthur, I can ditto more or less every word you have just written. I can remember it all to clearly when my 1st exH used to seem to be having a whale of a time with OW and enjoying dipping in an out as a dad, he left when my DC were 9 and 11 and still says "we have done a good job of bringing them up they are such lovely children".

But that was a long time ago, he now lives with his regrets but has been a very good friend to me since my latest DH had affair and left. So although my DC are now grown up, I still feel the same as all of your other feelings, re being on my own and whether I will ever find love again. I am 16 months on and still have a lot of anger and sadness but I know I am moving in the right direction, im lucky that I dont have any contact with DH as we didnt have any children together.

Carry on how you are, you sound like your doing all things that are natural in the circumstances. Its the old adage that its just time, it seems to be taking me a lot of time but I know in the end there is a brighter future out there for all of us going through this sh*t time.

Read your post as I'm about to hit an anniversary of sorts in my former relationship and like you feel that ex compartmentalises the DCs from the relationship and appears so blinkered. Lots of posts here seem to suggest that being with the DCs is in the end the reward. Perhaps because we carried them, we know that you can't draw a neat line between the relationship with the DCs and the adult relationship. It must be hard as it is a significant moment, but there will be good things around the corner. It seems in the end children know which parent tucks them up and which one f*s them up. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself ... he was the one who couldn't keep it zipped and his glib remark shows just one more of his flaws.

'then has the cheek to tell me when he dropped them off this evening that we "should both be really proud of them, as they are great children and we've done a great job".'
Arthur, I'm thinking you must have to clench your fists in order to stop yourself from throttling him when he says that!!
However, I would suggest that he knows damn well that you are doing the lions share and he says that as a way of covering up his guilt.

Who cares about his ridiculous attempt at self deception, to echo what others have said your kids know who's really been there for them, and you are providing them with security and happiness (even if the set up isnt the same as when you were a child)

I think you're being a bit too hard on yourself and expecting too much. 12 months isn't really very long at all, especially when you've been hurt and betrayed to such an extent as this. All you need is time.

It's been nearly 5 years since my relationship ended. I'm still not interested in having a relationship because I rather like being single, but if I were interested in dating, I would say that realistically, it is only in the last 2 years that I have been emotionally and mentally ready for it.

Think of it as a similar process to grieving. You're well shot of your XH but you are grieving - for the loss of what you thought you had and the promise of the future that might have been. If someone you loved had died, you'd expect to feel exactly like you do after one year - better, but not there yet.

It doesn't matter if your X seems to be having the time of his life or whether his world falls down around his ears. None of that will matter to you when you eventually get your own life the way you want it. And you will.

Don't worry about your DC's reaction to having future siblings. Regardless of the circumstances, siblings are always a bonus. It is a relationship that will be ongoing long after you are gone and can offer great support for children. Also, parental love doesn't diminish with each extra child, it simply expands. You know this because you're a mother to more than one yourself. You can do a lot to help your DC feel positive about this and doing so doesn't mean you have to deny the anger and hurt your X caused you. The two are separate issues.

This stage where you feel overwhelmed with responsibility and the 'if onlys' will pass. Don't fight it. Embrace it. Think about it. Read up about it and bore the pants of your friends with your naval gazing about who you are and why this happened. You will come out the other end with a much clearer sense of yourself and how you want to define your future life, and your X's position in this will be solely because he is the father of your children - nothing more and nothing less.

It will get better. You've done the hardest part, which is some ways is the easier bit because you're running on adrenalin. Think of it as a marathon - you start off in a frenzy, then there's a middle bit of hard slog (where you are now), but the feeling when you get to the finish line... [hsmile]

Thank you so much everyone. It's reassuring to know people understand (though am so sorry for all of you who have been through this, it is horrible). So much of what you have written is really reassuring, especially about the dcs. I just feel as if we have let them down so badly, the poor darlings. They have done nothing to deserve this, and they are the ones who are suffering the most.

My instincts tell me to wait before dating - I'm just surrounded by people heavily hinting I should get on with it. As one of my friends said, at 37 I'm not getting any younger . But I'm just not ready to share myself with anyone else yet. The dcs are so in need of my full attention and I cannot imagine introducing anyone else into their life for a long long time.

I know it will take time. But I am so bored of it being at the front of my mind all the time. Every time we do something fun or go somewhere nice, I find myself wondering how much better it would have been if we were still a family. Of course it turns out for the last few years we weren't the family I thought we were as he was shagging the OW.

I'm 14 months on, and much better than I was, but I still feel dreadful - so much in your post(s) I could relate to. I wish that I could think of something inspiring to add, but maybe it's helpful to know that there are other people in the same boat, as well as those who have made it to the other side!

Hello, Arthur. I really enjoyed reading your OP (in a weltschmertzy sort of way) - I so recognise the battlefield humour and the grim focus on how good life is

Just two things. You know them already, but here goes anyway:

Those nagging self-doubts - which amount to "could I have prevented the pile-up?" - are just what a human mind does after a disaster. It's no more or less than what a road accident victim goes through after they wake up in hospital; reliving the event, going "If only I hadn't crossed the road / the bus hadn't been a No.37 / that pretty girl hadn't distracted the drive ..." It's post-traumatic stress. It should ease off, and you can help it along by doing just what you are doing: focusing on positives.

The bleakish blankness is also a post-stress reaction. All that time, when you 'knew' he was cheating, but didn't want to know, and tried blaming yourself and got down about it, then tried investing more into your relationship, and feeling both despair and hope at once - well, it's pretty intense isn't it? And here you are, nearly sorted and perfectly safe. Much pleasanter, but less exciting huh? Just enjoy it :) Before long, you'll get used to it - at which point, you'll look back on those times and go "WTF was I thinking???!!"

Dickhead sounds like a dickhead, btw.

I agree, hold off dating until you've got used to feeling happy. Because that's what you are.