Can you help us work this out?

[WestsAwake]

DH works away from home from time-to-time. In the last 6 weeks he has been away for three one-week periods. He isn't usually this busy - usually it would be more like three one-week trips away in a year.

The problem is that I have found it so, so hard to cope on my own with the kids, specifically with our DS, who is autistic and has very challenging behaviour. I do get a lot of help from my mum, but I still find it incredibly difficult. My DS also finds it really hard when DH is away and reacts really badly to it, becoming easily upset and really testing the boundaries with me.

So, DH has just got back. He has had a 12-hour flight and is understandably tired. However, I am also exhausted (both kids unwell while he was away and up multiple times in the night) and my nerves are frayed. I have had moments of utter despair this week - moments when I cried my eyes out to my mum with the strain of it all - and l feel like I need to make DH understand the strain I am under when he is away, as I honestly don't think he has a clue. I sent a snippy text to him a few days ago (i know it was pointless and wrong) and he reacted badly to it, telling me it was mean to try to make him feel guilty when he is hundreds of miles away and cannot do anything about it. I know he is right on that front. But I also know that I cannot cope with another week like this week - I have felt I was going to crack up at some points - and I have to somehow make him see this.

AIBU? WWYD?

What do you want to happen? Does your DH have to go away - is it likely he will be away again soon / more often?
What would help you? Are there things you could do to plan you week better? Are you entitled to any respite for your DS or any other sort of support? Is there any other help you could get for that week - cleaner / help with house / laundry?
Is there anything you could do to help you DS understand / cope better with your DH being away that might mean he is less challenging?
Is it that you just need your DH to understand your perspective more? How about writing him a letter - then you could really think about what to say & how to say it.
Don't know if this is any help - more questions than answers!
Hope you are ok.

OP, I have been there, except with only one DC at the time, and no autism. It was fecking hard work. I tried to decamp to my parents' house or have them to stay when possible. But when DH would walk in the door jet-lagged on Saturday morning, I would still only allow him one or two hours' sleep before allowing DD to wake him up and demand Daddy-time.

Prior to having DD, I also went away on lots of business trips myself. So I also know how knackering that can be.

What your DH won't be able to appreciate is that you think he's had five or so nights of uninterrupted child-free sleep, possibly in a nice hotel although probably not if he's going to Silicon Valley.

What you won't be able to appreciate is that he spent the first 2-3 days recovering from jet-lag and woke early every day. He spent the next two nights at dinners and drinks with colleagues or clients until stupid o'clock. Or he worked late, because what else are you going to do on your own in a strange city?

I'm sure he feels guilty. My DH has recently changed to a job that only needs European travel, so that now we have DC2, he only has to be away for a night at a time. I realise that in this economy your DH may not have that kind of option. My DH still works hugely long hours and barely sees our DCs during the week, but at least he's here most nights if I need him.

Talk to your DH. Is his job really worth it? Can he move to something less stressful on you? Is there an end in sight?

Can you just get a one-night break, perhaps, where you sleep at your Mum's house? I felt at the end of my tether a couple of weeks back, then had a good night and my batteries were recharged.

Don't be afraid to ask your Mum or MIL for more help. Take care x